Ask the Staff Anything

[GamblingGambitCloud]

I meant it more as a "I'm a very very anxious person and I want to learn coping methods for that", not so much anger lol...but thank you both so much for giving me tips

 

[Dark Drakan]

I meant it more as a "I'm a very very anxious person and I want to learn coping methods for that", not so much anger lol...but thank you both so much for giving me tips

Ah then you shouldnt have been so general. :lol:

Worrying about something normally makes anxiety worse so should run over situations and outcomes in your head and always try and be prepared. Things go wrong but if you fail to plan you plan to fail, just have to adapt to different situations and try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[Chimera Khaos]

Yup, changing a thread's title is easy. Tell me the detailsXD

EDIT: Nevermind, found it. Should be ok; )

Ok, cheers...:w00t:

 

[GamblingGambitCloud]

Ah then you shouldnt have been so general. :lol:

Worrying about something normally makes anxiety worse so should run over situations and outcomes in your head and always try and be prepared. Things go wrong but if you fail to plan you plan to fail, just have to adapt to different situations and try not to be too hard on yourself.

what about when the possibility of someone letting you down and hurting you arises?

 

[Tony_Redgrave]

Oh, that's what I meant about having expectations of certain people/situations. 90% of humanity is purely thinking only about the well-being of one's self. We all are being good to people because we love them, and are indifferent/hostile to strangers/people we don't like.

However, even regarding people we love, it's not like our understanding of love matches theirs. Each person understands it differently and seeks different stuff to actually feel loved/respected/content/all that stuff. And of course she/he only provides what she/he feels should be provided.

Which leads us to a bit of a problem. Since every person seeks and provides different stuff which seem quite obvious/second nature to them, it means nothing if the other person doesn't require those. It's as if you're not giving anything in return, when in truth you DO, but what you do give, isn't as important as it is to you, to the other person necessarily.

Therefore, never expect too much of people. They will definitely let you down (not even on purpose).
As to how to cope with this? Have a talk with them. Let the thing subside a bit by doing stuff that you like and then decide your next course of action. Depending on your personality you have infinite possible routes to take regarding this.

 

[GamblingGambitCloud]

Thanks Tony...that helps..i'm just somewhat worried since my girlfriend is older than me and in a couple weeks she's gonna go to a party...and a lot of people hit on her (even in front of me) and when alcohol is served, it's not the best for judgement...I trust, but it's just a thing at the back of my mind that I want gone

 

[Dark Drakan]

what about when the possibility of someone letting you down and hurting you arises?

Everyone can let you down, but cant tar everyone with the same brush and 'expect' everyone to let you down. Would never fully be able to trust anyone if you thought that way all the time and its unfair to think that everyone would do that to you. Some people do have more morals than others and others will let you down but you live and learn from experience.

Thanks Tony...that helps..i'm just somewhat worried since my girlfriend is older than me and in a couple weeks she's gonna go to a party...and a lot of people hit on her (even in front of me) and when alcohol is served, it's not the best for judgement...I trust, but it's just a thing at the back of my mind that I want gone

These situations are commonplace in relationships and there will always be doubt in your mind but if you trust and respect her and shes given you no reason to think she would look elsewhere your worrying over nothing. Ive been let down in the past quite a few times by women but cant expect all of them to be the same. How would you feel if she was constantly worried you were going to do the same thing a past boyfriend had done to her?

 

[GamblingGambitCloud]

^you make a very good point...and it's happened...I didn't think of it that way, an I kinda wish I had before posting here...thank you so much

 

[Meg]

*pokes head in*
Hello. I've have an idea if Mr. Steve would be interested.

I like making wallpapers, avatars, and sigs for fun. I have some really cool ideas for DMC/DmC themed ones. I thought it might be cool to offer them on the main site for people to use. (Like the avatars that are already available.) Let me know if you are interested, or if you want to see some samples first.

:blush:

 

[Dark Drakan]

^you make a very good point...and it's happened...I didn't think of it that way, an I kinda wish I had before posting here...thank you so much

No problem. ^_^

*pokes head in*
Hello. I've have an idea if Mr. Steve would be interested.

I like making wallpapers, avatars, and sigs for fun. I have some really cool ideas for DMC/DmC themed ones. I thought it might be cool to offer them on the main site for people to use. (Like the avatars that are already available.) Let me know if you are interested, or if you want to see some samples first.

:blush:

Personally I think its a nice idea, have to see what Steve says. Could always create a thread first with avatars and sigs in it that people can use and see how it goes.

 

[Chimera Khaos]

Well I'm not exactly sure if I can ask a question like this, but here goes...

Dear Staff,
What age do you think is too early to get married and do you think I (me personally) should get married at my age? (btw, I'm 21)
I'm only asking cuz my bf proposed to me and I said yes but he wants to get married soon and I don't know if I should go through with it.

Help?

I'd really appreciate it!

 

[Tony_Redgrave]

Ιt doesn't have to do with age as much as it has to do with what you're prepared to face. Despite this sounding funny, getting married is some serious bussiness. Excluding all the fuss and money spending you need to go through in order to actually schedule the event. At least you'll have fun(?) during the actual thing. So it's kinda worth it. (?)

But seriously creating a family means you're prepared to grow up and live your years, with someone that supposedly super understands you and would support you/take the worst of you and still be with you. And the same is required from your side as well.

Usually, because "young" people are less experienced in life, both in what kind of partner they want, what kind of life they wish for etc etc and require to face the trial called "life" in order to understand themselves more, gain the necessary wisdom etc etc. So yeah, possibly the older you get, it can be said that your chances of a successful marriage increase, but that doesn't work for everyone.

Other than that it's your choice. In this era, marriages come and go. They are experiences as well. So in the end, the "why not?" factor comes in the game. I mean, in ages before we were born, marriage was technically for life, but it's not the case now, so even if the worst happens (let's take a huge breath and shout at the worst to go away) you can take a divorce.

So yeah, it's pretty much up to you. Are you prepared to share most of your life with someone else? If yes...

But if you're also thinking of having children shortly after that.... That is a completely different issue.

 

[Chimera Khaos]

Kids? Ha, don't make me laugh Tony, that's the next thing on his list he wants after marriage, I mean I love the guy to bits, but seriously, i think he rushes into things and wants a lot from me.
Oh well, well get through the years with eachother, just hopefully there's no divorce, I don't think I could handle filling out the paperwork.

But thanks anyway Tony, you give great advice! Maybe if things don't go well, you could be my marriage counsellor, lol (jokes btw)...
:w00t:

 

[Angel]

Well, Steve was 20 when we got married and he's managed ok so far

Do not get married if you're not ready yet. And how do you know you're ready? When you are no longer even contemplating the question "Am I ready yet?" in the first place. Marriage is hard - don't let anyone fool you otherwise. It's not about gooey feelings and roses with your breakfast. It's about choosing to stay together even when things are really tough, money is tight, you've barely got a roof over your head and every morning you wake up, look at each other and think, "did I really marry THAT?".

It takes effort to keep it going - if you're prepared to make such a serious and lifelong commitment then go for it and enjoy everything marriage has to offer. But if in your heart of hearts you do not feel you are ready for a big step like this then there is nothing wrong with holding it off for a bit. If he's that serious about marrying you then he won't mind waiting for you to be completely ready. No one should ever enter into marriage with the back-up plan of divorce in mind - it kind of negates the whole point of bothering to get married in the first place if you're not intending for it to be for life. People split up, of course they do, but it should never be part of the initial plan.

I would probably advise seeing if there are any marriage courses being run in your local area. They're not for very long and they can help couples get their priorities right before marriage to make sure the pair of you are on the same page. Money, kids, employment, living arrangements - these are all things that couples inevitably argue over and it helps to have that sort of thing worked out insofar as it is possible before you tie the knot rather than figuring it out as you go along.

/old married woman

 

[GamblingGambitCloud]

^ well said Angel. I'm going to definitely keep that in mind

 

[Chimera Khaos]

Well, Steve was 20 when we got married and he's managed ok so far

Do not get married if you're not ready yet. And how do you know you're ready? When you are no longer even contemplating the question "Am I ready yet?" in the first place. Marriage is hard - don't let anyone fool you otherwise. It's not about gooey feelings and roses with your breakfast. It's about choosing to stay together even when things are really tough, money is tight, you've barely got a roof over your head and every morning you wake up, look at each other and think, "did I really marry THAT?".

It takes effort to keep it going - if you're prepared to make such a serious and lifelong commitment then go for it and enjoy everything marriage has to offer. But if in your heart of hearts you do not feel you are ready for a big step like this then there is nothing wrong with holding it off for a bit. If he's that serious about marrying you then he won't mind waiting for you to be completely ready. No one should ever enter into marriage with the back-up plan of divorce in mind - it kind of negates the whole point of bothering to get married in the first place if you're not intending for it to be for life. People split up, of course they do, but it should never be part of the initial plan.

I would probably advise seeing if there are any marriage courses being run in your local area. They're not for very long and they can help couples get their priorities right before marriage to make sure the pair of you are on the same page. Money, kids, employment, living arrangements - these are all things that couples inevitably argue over and it helps to have that sort of thing worked out insofar as it is possible before you tie the knot rather than figuring it out as you go along.

/old married woman

Thanks for the advice Angel, I completely understand where you're coming from.
He and I have discussed a lot of things that come with marriage after the whole thing and he thinks we're well sorted. I do too, but I don't want him to think I'm a Gold Digger, y'know, that's not the way I do things. I work for what I want and don't expect everything to be given to me, like he often does.
Is there a polite way of refusing something he gives me without hurting his feelings and having him hate me?

Your quote earlier, I'm not married to him yet, but I do think sometimes, "I'm with THAT?" But when I feel like that, he knows somethings up and makes me feel better about what I was thinking and that I shouldn't be thinking that stuff in the first place, since I feel I owe him quite a lot.

The kids department, I don't really mind that he wants them cause I'd like some too, but I'd also like to finish my education and study to become something more before I completely fall off the wagon and can't get a job when my kids are grown up. If you don't mind me asking, how do you manage to have kids and work at the same time, or did you leave the kids till later when you felt you were ready to have them?

I feel I'm burdening you guys with all my problems about marriage and stuff so I completely understand if you take offence or don't want to answer my questions, but you and Steve have been so much help to me( I'm so glad I found this site, it's awesome!)and I think it's great you have a thread like this...

 

[Dante's Stalker]

^Don't feel like you owe it to him to say yes. If things are working between you now, then there isn't a reason why it won't continue to work once you're married. Do tell him that you expect to have your first child at 26 or 27, however long it takes you to finish your studies and get your foot into the career of your choice. It's the kindest way you can let him know that you're not ready to have kids as soon as the wedding bells go quiet.

The working mom scenario, I can't give you much advice on since I only worked for a full three months after I had my first kid, but I can give you pre-warning that it is very very difficult, and it changes the relationship you have with your children. My mom used to work when I was little, and that effected the relationship we had. I know this because I've been a stay-at-home mom for the past five years (less the three months) and I know my children far better than my mom knows me, simply because I'm with them practically 24/7. But I do have a friend and my sister in-law who have both recently gone back to work. The one has an 11 week old and the other has a 9 month old, and they're both lamenting how they miss their babies so much on facebook while they're at work. But working also has it's pros: like getting a good long break from the kids!!! There's nothing more exhausting than kids! (and idiots at work, but what can you do right?) AND you've got the cash to go buy pretty, and probably expensive, brand clothing for your darlings rather than having to settle for the cheapskate stuff that wears out or shrinks after a month.

Just take things one step at a time. Marriage is a big thing. It will effect your relationship with your boyfriend/fiance, so I think that's what you should tell him. He's got you for forever, you're still young, babies can wait for a few more years. Tell him you want an easy, stress-free life with him. Having a baby is lifechanging, in the fact that it turns your world upside down and it turns you both inside out. It changes you as individuals and it changes the way you look at things and it changes your relationship. In short, it makes you grow up really quick (and with you I mean YOU, not him, because boys will be boys).

Anyway good luck with what you decide to do Roselia, and I'm sure the staff will have some good answers for you too.

 

[Chimera Khaos]

Quick Question to the staff,

I can't seem to focus properly in class anymore (maybe its due to the fact of my other half being here, who knows) but do you guys (and girls) have any advice to stay focused on what I'm meant to be doing and things I can do to distract myself whilst doing my work to stop becoming distracted?

I think that makes sense...

 

[Angel]

Is there a polite way of refusing something he gives me without hurting his feelings and having him hate me?

Haha - I don't think there is a foolproof way of doing that with anyone! Simply saying, "I appreciate the gesture but it's not something I'd use/normally have/some other 'nicer' word" will have to suffice and if he gets upset then that is kind of his problem. It's not your responsibility to ensure his total happiness. And if he were to hate you for not wanting something he gives you then that's just silly - sure, he might be a bit put out but it's the only way he'll learn what you do and do not like. Or you can just be like my sister with her husband: "What the **** is that? Do I look like the sort of person who would even be remotely interested in that? Get it out of my sight and do it now. Moron."

Your quote earlier, I'm not married to him yet, but I do think sometimes, "I'm with THAT?" But when I feel like that, he knows somethings up and makes me feel better about what I was thinking and that I shouldn't be thinking that stuff in the first place, since I feel I owe him quite a lot.

I'll be honest, that last bit of your last sentence there made me a tad concerned. You should never feel that you owe your other half - it's not about favours or making another person feel beholden to you. If you think certain stuff, think away. If that's how you are feeling at the time then that's perfectly ok otherwise you'd be a repressed mess! If he does something that consistently makes you think "I'm with you because...?" then perhaps you should talk to him about it, if you can.

The kids department, I don't really mind that he wants them cause I'd like some too, but I'd also like to finish my education and study to become something more before I completely fall off the wagon and can't get a job when my kids are grown up. If you don't mind me asking, how do you manage to have kids and work at the same time, or did you leave the kids till later when you felt you were ready to have them?

Well, I had Jessica when I was 18 and with someone else. That didn't pan out so good and she was 4 when Steve and I met. Jake came about in 2009 after we decided to have a baby, thinking it would take years before conceiving thanks to a nasty problem I had two years previously which resulted in my losing twins before birth. But it was only 5 months into trying before I fell pregnant and then less than 2 years later, I was pregnant with Joshua. My job is very relaxed and I can do everything from home aside from the AGM each year down the south of the country but it's like one weekend out of 52 so hardly taxing. I haven't had proper employment since I was 17/18 so I'm not the most qualified person on the planet - Steve works for himself from home and we use his income solely to live off. I don't think I'll ever have a career anyway but I'm ok with that - if you want to get your qualifications and stuff before having kids then that is one thing you guys are going to have to agree on. Kids, whilst a blessing, are hard work and it's harder when the responsibility of having them is put upon you under duress rather than by choice. My sister had her one and only child because her husband was desperate for kids - it's seriously caused some resentment now because she wasn't ready or willing to have any children. Ever. Don't ever do something like that for someone else because it's to huge to be just one person's decision in a relationship.

You can work and have kids - loads of people do. It can take some juggling but depending on where you live on the planet, there are options for how to manage it effectively.

I feel I'm burdening you guys with all my problems about marriage and stuff so I completely understand if you take offence or don't want to answer my questions, but you and Steve have been so much help to me( I'm so glad I found this site, it's awesome!)and I think it's great you have a thread like this...

Now you're just being silly - you can ask all the questions you like either in this thread or via PM or however suits you. More than happy to attempt to answer them in my own backwards way

P.S. - about your last post? I'm the most easily distracted person in the world. It's a miracle I can cross a road without getting killed. If there is something specific that is causing the attention to wander then it might help to discuss it with someone just to get it out in the open and out of your system. If you can't do that, when you have the time and space just write everything down that you feel is causing your mind to be elsewhere in class and see if that helps to see it in black and white.

 

[Blitz]

Cristiano Ronaldo, Messi, Beckham (in his playing days), Ronaldinho, or Kaká?