Isn't it just great when you get pressured into reading someone else's stuff? They don't even ask you if you want to read it, or if you have time--and you're supposed to feel flattered because "you're part of the reason they got into it". And of course said person's father (hubby's biological uncle), great as he is, drops that on you. Which makes you feel even more obligated to do it, even though there are a ton of things you'd rather be reading right now, you have more than enough work of your own, and plenty more in real life coming up. :facepalm:
Look, I don't want to discourage you, kid. Really, I don't. But for one, you're basically writing an old videogame out line-for-line, and some of that dialogue is just...painful. Good games don't always come with good dialogue. I know this, I'm replaying one such game, now (it has some good dialogue, but other times it's....ugh. >.>) Moreover, I'm not going to tell you everything you need to work on--that will take far too long.
Know what's a real good teacher for writing? Reading. Pick up novels, all different kinds, and you will learn so much about syntax, grammar, and punctuation without even trying to. And if you are having trouble, make it a priority to take note of how said technical aspects are done.
It's one thing when I offer to read it, or if I know your work so I know it'll be an enjoyable read; it's another when I'm basically being coerced into playing editor, just because I supposedly "inspired" someone. -_-
