I've got a massive headache, I'm tired as, and I have to hide all evidence of baby's existence before 10am today because we live in a 3 bedroom house and we're already one tenant over with the big kids as it is. I wish hubby would just get his bloody ass in gear and buy us a damn house. I'm over this renting bs and over the stress of house inspection.
I've been screaming like a banshee at my kids all morning because I can't put the ****ing pram down, no idea how this damn thing works, and it's also probably because I'm too tired to think straight! Yeah, mother of the year award does NOT go to the mum losing her **** on her kids. Especially considering two of them are special needs and they in turn freaked out at my screaming. Yes it was THAT sort of screaming. Oh, and then the eldest boy WOULD give the younger one a bleeding lip too.
WTF.
I still need to vaccuum and wipe down all the damn condensation on the windows. And that ****ing pram. I want to rip it apart right now. We can't afford to get kicked out right now. I HAVE to get this place in good shape. I'm not even dressed yet and I have to get the kids to school and kindy. How in the bloody world do people just expect mums to do all this **** on their own?
No, don't call me mommy. I don't deserve to be called your mommy after this morning. I'm always scared I'll end up being like my dad, but the reality is I'm so much ****ing worse than he ever was, and that's saying a lot because I'm NOT an alcoholic like he was. This after my BF praised me yesterday about how well I'm doing.
How well I'm doing.
Everyone keeps saying 'you're looking well', you're doing well, good on you, yay hurrah.
Yeah, well. Look at me, keeping my **** together and all today.
So when my therapist rings me today to ask how my sleep has been for the past two nights? No better than the rest of the week, and oh, hey, I thought I should mention that I have this strong urge to do something stupid because I'm so angry and so sad and WHY do I have to keep this up when I make everyone miserable and scared around me anyway? I can't deal with life. I've been trying really ****ing hard. I'm eating well, I'm exercising, I'm talking to people, I'm communicating more, I'm doing the mindfulness ****, I've got legions of support behind me, I'm taking my meds. I'm doing everything right so WHY am I still sinking?
**** it.