There are two stories I always wanted to put together. Well, that's not true, there dozens of stories I wanted to write, but there really are only two I I've developed over the years. One was an Evangelion story and the other was a DMC story. Like anyone else's, this story was something I thought up for a hypothetical game I dreamed up. Yeah, I know: Everyone and their mthfckn' grandma, right? Still, these were things I had put a lot of my idle time thinking up. While listening to music or exercising. Daydreaming a way to make these thoughts into cohesive stories. Or, you know what, scratch that, fanfics. That's really what they'd be. Saying stories might sound more eminent, and they are stories, that much is true, they are sequences of events put together to conform narratives, but ultimately, they'd just be fanfics.
Here's the thing, though, they only exist in my head. I've never put them to paper or page and if something only exists in your head then it doesn't exist at all. It has no shape, it cannot be measured, observed or judged. It has not tangible form or presence. It cannot be seen, heard or experienced by anyone except the one who is conscious of it and, well, with a description like that, it might as well all equate to a symptom of madness. They are dreams, and dreams are less than air. It might have no substances nor can it be seen, but can be measured and felt and it has a real impact here, in reality.
I never put any of my ideas into paper because I never felt they were ever good enough. That what I'd create would ever measure up to what those who were doing the real thing could do. When I started my YT channel I wanted it to be substantial. Not something sloppy and mediocre. I put so much work and thought and attention to all of my videos but, even so, I often still feel like I ended up with incohesive drivel whenever I watched them again. Well. Learn and grow. Improve. That's how I see that. I'm still proud of the work I do in them, some of them were downright herculean tasks to put together and I will always take pride in being able to say I made that, but I still feel like I dropped the ball with most of them.
This obsessive compulsive want for doing things right or not at all is why I never worked the effort to put my thoughts to the page. If it's not good enough then what's the point? It'd just get lost in a sea of more just like it. I wanted to make my work stand out but the older I get the less time I have to polish my thoughts and take on substantial projects. I wanted to draw them, maybe, but there are just not enough hours left in the day. In my case, putting my dreams down is not good enough, I really do want to lay down the threaded clothes of heaven (yeah, f**k off. I know how pretentious that sounds. I'm venting here).
I've always been a tremendous daydreamer. My teachers had a grand time making an example out of me, so I know I'll probably continue to dream up these stories and try to polish them up for my self, but I've gotten to a point where I've realized that if they really are just in my head then they are not real. I think to myself, should I, shouldn't I? Do I want to? ... I guess... Oh, yeah, showing some real commitment, right there, ain't you, lad? And, well, yeah, that's not to be dismissed, I have other things I committed myself to, so, could I do it? I don't know. I am trapped in a limbo of 'can I/should I/how?'
When my brother died all of his dreams went with him. He was musician. He was in a band and I had to clear out the files from our computer. It was full of songs that never were because he never completed them and I felt rather hollow for it. I couldn't do anything with them because I'm not a musician, anymore. Not like he was. Even if some stupid BS fanfics would I be ok if I let my thoughts go with me? It's why I started my channel, because I have thoughts I feel strongly enough about to want to share them. Even as I type this, though, I feel silly, I feel childish. They are just fan stories. Whoopty fkn' doo! Will the content of the universe really be altered in any substantial way if I put them on paper or not? As it is, we are in the age of vanity, the age of egos. Each and everyone of them is interconnected by an extensive network of fiber optic cables and wireless fidelity signals that try to seek validation over the most empty of whims so when the question 'does it really matter, though' comes up saying 'well, it does to me' feels like a rather shallow and meaningless concern in a realm basically composed of shallow and meaningless concerns.
I really do feel foolish agonizing over this because, well, does it really matter? I am even really ever going to commit myself to it? Add to that The work I tried to do in order to finance my projects just isn't helping me get the resources I need, either, so I don't have, nor do I think I will ever have, the tools to make what I want to the degree I want to pull off. Were I to die today, though (No, I'm not dying! I'm speaking hypothetically, in case someone actually thought that), would I be ok letting my dreams go with me? My dreams dreams, not my aspirations or hopes. Just the vain thoughts of my idle brain, though, I guess those other ones would go with me, as well. Maybe I should call them my daydreams. I just don't know which I'd find worse: that they'd die off with me never to have existed or that they'd be forever lost and in the ether because it was all so incredibly who gives a s***. Who knows. Maybe I want too much. Add to that, when you take into consideration the nature of the things I'm talking about it all seems rather puerile.
I've had my work torn down before, too. It's terribly demoralizing. You feel downright defeated. All that work and effort. All that thought and study and time basically thrown out to the garbage. It slows you down and makes you feels heavy. Right now, I'm working on something that I think might be taken down. I'm hoping it won't, I really do, and I refuse to back down and leave it unmade, but, still, there's always that 'concern.' It's not necessarily a video taken down. There are other ways for something you made to be torn down and that is always on my mind.
You know, Rumiko Takahashi works like a mad woman. If you saw her schedule you'd think she'd be dead in a month. Me, on the other hand, can't seem to pull enough focus. I'm also not really a writer. I mean, clearly, if you take this unfocused melaky that really threads a bit too much into the pretentious as an example you can clearly see what I mean. Yet, I want to and I needed to say so, but I don't know that I can or will.