So, I don't end up getting the job I reaaaally wanted, I'm bummed out about it and you don't have any words of encouragement for me. Then I tell you that I've signed up to be a rep for Avon and you laugh at me. Not a surprised 'haha, so you've got a backup then, great job!' kind of laugh but a sarcastic laugh that says 'phu-lease, haven't we been through this kind of thing before?'
No, we haven't. I wanted to, but I wasn't mentally ready for that commitment of hard work. Now that I am, and I have everything set up, YOU make me feel like I can't do ****. And you know what? Life doesn't just ****ing snowball for you. It does to me too ALL THE ****ING TIME. Last night I tried to change the lightbulbs in the kids' rooms - I felt like a total idiot because I can't do it. I try to help you with the computer, you snap at me to just leave it alone. I tell you I've always wanted to run my own guesthouse, I want to run a daycare, I CAN DO THIS, that's the kind of business I KNOW I'm cut out for.
You don't want more kids, okay, I don't want to be 30 and pregnant so if you're not keen for kids before I hit that mark, I'm not getting knocked up again. That doesn't mean I don't want more kids. I would love, love, love to adopt.
You tell me sure when I've got AT LEAST 5 books published, at least two in HARD COPY, and a writing contract with a publisher, we can look at adopting.
**** YOU. Seriously. First, you have no idea how hard it is just to grab an agents' attention, let alone get published OR signed for a contract deal. I don't have that kind of luck. I don't have the connections. This is basically you stating that me wanting to self-publish is a stupid idea. Thanks.
Now I'm not going to do the guesthouse thing because, yeah you're right, I can barely keep my own house organised and running smoothly.
I'm not going to do the daycare thing because, yeah you're right, I can hardly maintain my own children.
I'm not going to adopt because, yeah you're right, I probably wouldn't be fit or qualify to become an adoptive parent. Why'd I want to screw up somebody else's kids when I'm already doing such a splendid job at ****ing up own kids, right?
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This means so much to me that I feel like I could die.
Thank you for putting me on the downhill again. All I needed was that one little ****ing push from you. Thanks. You're my ****ing hero.