Why do people still judge me? Why am I always getting misunderstood? Why do people think that I don't have skills?
Putting me up in a corner like that. No wonder I start thinking that myself. I am more than enough capable of doing things.
I have seen it and people have told me so. Yet they don't understand the details and the whole background. Being outside emotions and enduring pain everyday, no wonder selfconfidence drops to zero. If I turn this saying. If people took me as I am. If people respected me. If peopel listened to me. If peopel helped me. If I was not alone in taking care of that explaination on top of every regular things that everyone needs. I would changed even more and prevented me from getting thrown into my solitude that I have already decided to go out from. Still people don't see how much I am changing. I am changing and they see some of it but from their perspective. Not mine. They say I won't listen to others and being non social. Look at them. They are not better themselves. They won't listen to me either. On top of that I tried seeing things from their perspective but that is walking on thin ice. Of course becasue being alone, comforting myself, trying to not be alone and tell people that I won't be alone yet people think I want to be alone. Of course I don't want that anymore. But by looking at my situation in facts I really have to give these advices from my own. No wonder I am being selfish. That is a bad circle I don't want to be in. No one want's to be in something like that. I did more than enough and yet still people take me as a nobody. Then I feel the same but I am not a nobody. When I feel that way it is already because they distanced themselves from me. Now I don't want their help but I don't have any others to help. Yet they don't understand me. yet I want them to understand. I am really trying all I can and they don't think I am. They don't listen to me even I do ''all in'' sacking my body life energy that I never wanted to begin with. Tossing myself like a puppet without arms, legs or heart. I only have a will. I want to live and have a good life like everyone that felt soem happiness in their life wants. I have strengths and weaknessess like everyone has. I despise my strengths and people give me salt in my weaknessess. No wonder thigns turned out to this. No matter waht happened or happens I will not surrender. For me that is not an option. No more. I don't feel that bad anymore that I have to say: '' I will never give up'' Of course I never will as long as I can get healthy and respected again. Again? I never was taken like that but I want that. This is the despair that currently runs into my head telling me to go on. Push my own limits. I wish for love, happiness, being together, giving compassions, helping each other, trusting each other, protect each other and do whatever I can to stay together with the people that I care about. Still I have this emptiness. I have family love but I never had friend love or romantic love. My dreams. Being accepted for who I am. On second place I want to show my skills and how good person I can be. I want to be remembered but I don't have anyone that close to me. I never had but I do whatever I can to get that.
It's not that I don't thank the people that have helped me in the past but all this is too complicated for me to understand myself and explain to people. Someday I wish I have the courage and what I need to tell someone how my life has been and being understood. I help my friends with my strenghts on their weaknesses and they help my weaknessess with their strengths. I suppose that is common in society. I cannot expect anything but I can trust, hope and believe. I need to see that things are actually happening and progressing. For now I put this belief in myself that I can put trust in others and recieve gratitude. Unselfish friendship is hard. Everyone does mistakes but that's what makes us so awesome too. No one is perfect and I never want to. If everything was perfect. If I had achieved all my dreams, got maximum income and had everything I would not have anything to reach out for ya? Things arn't suppose to be perfect. Humans arn't suppose to be that. That's how I see it. On this road in life I reach out for the stars of dreams.
I Shall Never Surrender!
because raising more than 2 kids at once is not easy
