Try not to laugh
- Thread starter Angel
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Nicodemus Zamoran
The Hellslayer Knight
Actually, the story idea is good, IMO. Can you add a space between each paragraph? It helps. A little more detail would also be appreciated, but I want to see what happens next. I will leave the major crits to the proffesionals
DreadnoughtDT
God of Hyperdeath
I second what Nic said. As long as a story is good, I don't care if it's been done to death. ^_^
Chaos Raiden
Avid Gamer & Reviewer
The story is good, with many detailed expressions. I take it that Aulud is the antagonist?
Angel
Is not rat, is hamster
Yeah, he is. This is one of my very old never-got-around-to-doing-anything-with stories that I can combine with pretty much any of the others. The basic outline, such as it is, is about several species collected under one race known as Bestians. You've got Feralines, Ulfgars, Vermets, Draigana and Madar - each has a distinct similarity to species we have here: Cats, dogs, rodents, reptiles and birds (in order of the races I have written). Then you've got the humans, who by way of their aggressive nature, cannot be ruled by anyone but themselves and they revolt against the Bestians, despite there not being an awful lot to revolt against, and establish a totally human rule over all, with the exception of a handful of Bestians who defect to the human side.Chaos Master;263908 said:
Aulud leads all this and the Bestians are all but enslaved, despite their superior numbers. There are human sympathisers, exiled to a place called Northern Wey in the mountains and the Bestians are separated according to race and encouraged to hate each other in order to prevent an uprising.
The main protagonist is Rasarr, a Feraline, who basically sees a whole bunch of injustices and after Aulud purges the original Dissidents, Rasarr goes about reforming it but including the humans in Northern Wey as well. There's the usual problems in trying to convince humans to join in, as well as the other races; some old personal wars resurfacing that needs sorting out and a couple of surprise entries from people no one factored into the equation. There's no magic, so perhaps this won't count as a fantasy tale, but I can probably manage a sorcerer or two screwing things up for both sides if necessary.
Like I said, crap story and I don't even know if I can fix it up to be halfway decent enough to read but that excerpt up there is part of the prologue - the first part is the uprising of the humans itself, but I deleted it by accident so that will need re-writing.
Chaos Raiden
Avid Gamer & Reviewer
Angel;263998 said:
I see. The concept is very interesting. So basically, the themes of the story is kinda like unity, uprising, freedom, and war?
Angel
Is not rat, is hamster
Endings are one of my biggest problems - I can't end anything satisfactorily. I don't have a creation, as such, but the prologue begins with the arrival of the humans in the land and what occurs leading up to the rebellion against the humans, the division of the land and the creation of the Dissidents.
V
Oldschool DMC fan
If you have problems with endings, do what I do and try a draft from the end - conceive an awesome ending with your characters exactly the way you'd like it played out, (think film) and work backwards a ways detailing the events and motivations leading up to that ending. If you've got the start and the end, the middle can evolve accordingly.
Angelo Credo
Kept you waiting, huh?
Whenever I struggle to end things that culminate in some epic final battle sort of thing, I tend to give a brief summary of events, as well as give an overview of the aftermath of events, not only does it nicely tie everything up, as well as dealing with any loose ends in a somewhat satisfactory nature, it also gives the reader something to think about.
It's a great tool to use when a war or rebellion is the ultimate climax of a story, writing the aftermath and your character's involvement in it portrays the devastation that usually follows such events, not only that, but if you end it in a specific way, you can set yourself up for a sequel.
Here's one of my favourite examples that what I'm currently reading happens to use, it wraps up the last couple pages with an aftermath of a great, bloody, insanely visual and graphic battle against demons by telling you about survivors burying bodies of their fallen friends, comrades and family and then it closes with this.
"So many had to die, thought Alaric as he looked over the barren surface of Mimas, the huge, glowing disc of Saturn overhead. So many had to suffer. But sometimes, the fight was worth it, that's why the Grey Knights existed, the fight would never be over, but sometimes, it could be won."
Something like that, while a little cliché, does draw a nice, closing conclusion to a story, I was never good at endings, but I tend to find that doing that sort of thing helps you to bring about a satisfactory ending to whatever you've written, give it a go.
It's a great tool to use when a war or rebellion is the ultimate climax of a story, writing the aftermath and your character's involvement in it portrays the devastation that usually follows such events, not only that, but if you end it in a specific way, you can set yourself up for a sequel.
Here's one of my favourite examples that what I'm currently reading happens to use, it wraps up the last couple pages with an aftermath of a great, bloody, insanely visual and graphic battle against demons by telling you about survivors burying bodies of their fallen friends, comrades and family and then it closes with this.
"So many had to die, thought Alaric as he looked over the barren surface of Mimas, the huge, glowing disc of Saturn overhead. So many had to suffer. But sometimes, the fight was worth it, that's why the Grey Knights existed, the fight would never be over, but sometimes, it could be won."
Something like that, while a little cliché, does draw a nice, closing conclusion to a story, I was never good at endings, but I tend to find that doing that sort of thing helps you to bring about a satisfactory ending to whatever you've written, give it a go.
cheezMcNASTY
Entertain me.
i don't write fan fiction or anything public like that (i do scribble to myself)
but i think i can offer you 2 little pieces of advice you may find useful.
1. Thesaurus that ****: there were some bits that got redundant from your use of a single word (usually nouns or verbs for this rule) within a paragraph. If you find yourself reusing a word like that, consider using a synonym. Otherwise, maybe it's best to restructure the sentence so that using the word again isn't a problem. The exception to this is, of course if your repeating a word to increase emphasis. I.E. He got up from the bar, I stared. He walked over the the table where I sat, I continued staring.
Piece of Advice #2 this one is less a rule of thumb and more just an observation of your writing style. Just because it's the fanciest word in your vocabulary doesn't make it the right tool for the job. catch my drift? this isn't a major issue for you, as you don't do it all over the place. but if you maximize your vocabulary in every nook and cranny you can the piece over all can start to sound a little pretentious. as i said that only seems to really be emerging in certain spots. maybe try and consider which term for the adjective/verb/noun better suits the mood of the scene you are trying to convey or the persona of the character?
just some food for thought. take it or leave it
but i think i can offer you 2 little pieces of advice you may find useful.
1. Thesaurus that ****: there were some bits that got redundant from your use of a single word (usually nouns or verbs for this rule) within a paragraph. If you find yourself reusing a word like that, consider using a synonym. Otherwise, maybe it's best to restructure the sentence so that using the word again isn't a problem. The exception to this is, of course if your repeating a word to increase emphasis. I.E. He got up from the bar, I stared. He walked over the the table where I sat, I continued staring.
Piece of Advice #2 this one is less a rule of thumb and more just an observation of your writing style. Just because it's the fanciest word in your vocabulary doesn't make it the right tool for the job. catch my drift? this isn't a major issue for you, as you don't do it all over the place. but if you maximize your vocabulary in every nook and cranny you can the piece over all can start to sound a little pretentious. as i said that only seems to really be emerging in certain spots. maybe try and consider which term for the adjective/verb/noun better suits the mood of the scene you are trying to convey or the persona of the character?
just some food for thought. take it or leave it
cheezMcNASTY
Entertain me.
sure! i'll just skim through the first paragraph as it seems to be the most void of dialogue and write 'em as i see 'em
-fervently
-"thin lipped" (grin): somewhat unnecessary. if you introduced the character that way and you wanted to talk about his lips like they were somewhat creepy and fixating you could use that.
-decanter
-fervently
-"thin lipped" (grin): somewhat unnecessary. if you introduced the character that way and you wanted to talk about his lips like they were somewhat creepy and fixating you could use that.
-decanter
cheezMcNASTY
Entertain me.
honestly, i would cut out fervently. nervously does a good job on it's own. when you add fervently it is somewhat unnecessary, makes the narrative sound a little wishy washy.
thin lipped is entirely your call. i don't know what sort of character developement your planning. if anything you could change it to "he grinned through his <adjective> thin lips" if you want to make him seem somewhat creepy or even a little suspicious!
and for decanter. these characters seem like they are very cultured. judging from where they stand in the hierarchy of your universe. i would stick to something simple such as bottle in the narrative. that way a reader who doesn't understand what a decanter is would be able to follow along. then you could go on and have the characters refer to it as a decanter to further convey their status or persona or whatever you want to call it.
am i making any sense? :lol:
thin lipped is entirely your call. i don't know what sort of character developement your planning. if anything you could change it to "he grinned through his <adjective> thin lips" if you want to make him seem somewhat creepy or even a little suspicious!
and for decanter. these characters seem like they are very cultured. judging from where they stand in the hierarchy of your universe. i would stick to something simple such as bottle in the narrative. that way a reader who doesn't understand what a decanter is would be able to follow along. then you could go on and have the characters refer to it as a decanter to further convey their status or persona or whatever you want to call it.
am i making any sense? :lol:
cheezMcNASTY
Entertain me.
Angel;264856 said:Most definitely - like I've said before, I'm crap at writing and my use of language is shocking :lol:
Thanking you!
any time! ^_^