Relationships

[IncarnatedDemon]

My advice is to be patient and stay sharp. If someone tells you "I like you alot", and then they go do something that contradicts that, then give up on that person.
However, if someone meets you and really likes being with you but then that person goes away and you dont see much of him or her, then a little patience may be appropriate.
You can never go wrong waiting a little for someone unless that person is two faced.
What matters is how the person your into treats you, how you feel about him or her, and how he/she feels about you.

Hope this can be of any help to you.

 

[TWOxACROSS]

So what if I already met the one that was for me? And yes I'm talking about the guy that moved to Hawaii. The way we met the first time it was nothing I've ever encountered before. It was like we had that immediate connection. And then after a week of meeting we saw each other yet again and it was crazy. And then we started seeing each other more. We were very much alike and we had moments that seemed that they would last forever. He wasn't a douche like I made him out to seem. It wasn't his doing at all. It was myself doubt, I didn't think that he liked me anymore. Cause he left. But then we always kept in touch. Then a friend of mine told me that he was just playing with my emotions. And I listened to her...he was not a douchebag. He was the best think that ever happened to me. In my heart I felt I had found the one for me. That he was my soul mate. It was never his fault. I felt that he was perfect for me. We were so much alike it was scary. But in a good way. Now my heart has never felt the same after he left. After he left he regretted it. And now he's just searching for himself. He was adopted and he wants to know where he came from and why he was given up. He wants to know who his parents were. If he had any brother or sisters. That's the pain he's always going to have. Until he does something about it. He drinks a lot cause of it to numb the pain. He works so hard he has his own place. His own convertable, in paradise.

There are always going to be people like that. Those great relationships that we ruined somehow, or those ones that we can always look back on fondly despite how regretfully they ended. It's possible to have smooth relationships that end, but they still end for a reason; maybe it's because one or both of you needed to grow, or you were just in different stages in life. You mentioned that he's searching for himself - everyone needs to do that at some point, and it's difficult to do when you're also with another person, because then you're not sure if you're finding yourself, or someone that's part of a relationship.

It's not bad to have those feelings for someone you've been with, but you have to remember that it's in the past, and sometimes we hide away there when neither the present nor the future seem very inviting. Good or bad, you're better for the experiences you've had, and now you know better. Although, you might also be feeling regretful right now because of the current "relationship" you're in (if you're still in it), using a past relationship as a standard for the current one - don't do that. Each relationship is different than the next, and first things first you need to communicate your concerns with your partner. If they aren't vocal, then...maybe it's about time to let go. Don' be afraid to let go of a possibly toxic or useless relationship just for fear of being alone, because you never are, you've got friends and family who will always have your back. I know I myself will be prayin' for you, even though I don't know you beyond the words you type here, I care about any person finding happiness, because it's a universal feeling that transcends everything else. You've got my support.

However, if you truly think your guy from Hawaii is "the one", then reach out and communicate more, but don't just jump headfirst thinking something good will come of it. Don't think your past relationship with him will instantly have any bearing on a second attempt, you're both different people now, so it's time to see if you're both up for it, and whatever hardships come.

Also - try not to think about "the one" as someone who you can meet and then lose. The one is not a person who you could pass up in your life, it's the one who will be there for the rest of it.

 

[Vergillicious]

There are always going to be people like that. Those great relationships that we ruined somehow, or those ones that we can always look back on fondly despite how regretfully they ended. It's possible to have smooth relationships that end, but they still end for a reason; maybe it's because one or both of you needed to grow, or you were just in different stages in life. You mentioned that he's searching for himself - everyone needs to do that at some point, and it's difficult to do when you're also with another person, because then you're not sure if you're finding yourself, or someone that's part of a relationship.

It's not bad to have those feelings for someone you've been with, but you have to remember that it's in the past, and sometimes we hide away there when neither the present nor the future seem very inviting. Good or bad, you're better for the experiences you've had, and now you know better. Although, you might also be feeling regretful right now because of the current "relationship" you're in (if you're still in it), using a past relationship as a standard for the current one - don't do that. Each relationship is different than the next, and first things first you need to communicate your concerns with your partner. If they aren't vocal, then...maybe it's about time to let go. Don' be afraid to let go of a possibly toxic or useless relationship just for fear of being alone, because you never are, you've got friends and family who will always have your back. I know I myself will be prayin' for you, even though I don't know you beyond the words you type here, I care about any person finding happiness, because it's a universal feeling that transcends everything else. You've got my support.

However, if you truly think your guy from Hawaii is "the one", then reach out and communicate more, but don't just jump headfirst thinking something good will come of it. Don't think your past relationship with him will instantly have any bearing on a second attempt, you're both different people now, so it's time to see if you're both up for it, and whatever hardships come.

Also - try not to think about "the one" as someone who you can meet and then lose. The one is not a person who you could pass up in your life, it's the one who will be there for the rest of it.

I understand..and thank for your support and prayers. I'm just in a mess right now. The reason that I let go of that person was cause of myself the fact that I had doubts..

He told me on the phone that if I decided to come that I needed to call him ahead of time. So that he could pick me up and take me home. He told me that it was the man's responsibility to make sure that his woman was taken care of. At one point he told me that he wanted me to meet his dad someday. I had recorded myself singing to him. But I just recorded my voice, and when he listened to it he started to cry. He said that it was as if I was right there singing it to him. And we had sung a song to each other over the phone. We still have the same interests we still have everything in common..well just about. And we look similar to each other. Our body structures are the same our hands are the same size. He's only a few inches taller than I am. There are so many reason why I feel this way. And I will not be able to tell you guys just how we made each other feel cause it's not possible to put how it made us feel.

 

[TWOxACROSS]

Seems like you two have a great connection. I can understand coming back to that, and thinking on it a lot.

Just remember, communicate with your current partner. If you think it might be time for you to head for Hawaii, then do the right thing and talk to your partner first, let them go, as it were.

 

[Vergillicious]

Seems like you two have a great connection. I can understand coming back to that, and thinking on it a lot.

Just remember, communicate with your current partner. If you think it might be time for you to head for Hawaii, then do the right thing and talk to your partner first, let them go, as it were.

But I forgot to mention..that this was quite awhile ago. Before I began my current relationship. So I don't think he feels the same anymore. His best friend in Hawaii told me that he needs me..that he's got a feeling. But I don't know if I should believe that. Cause he doesn't really see him that much.

 

[TWOxACROSS]

Hrm...well...then it may be a bit too late. Granted, I can't say for sure, I don't know him, but, you can at least try reaching out.

Although if this was quite a while ago like you say, it might not be worth putting yourself through. Remember, it's okay to look back on those old relationships, but please don't let it be a standard in your mind, try to work on the relationship you're in now to see if it alone is worth it for the both of you.

 

[Vergillicious]

On Christmas Eve I wrote him a message how his night was going. And he said that it was ok he guess, he wanted to call his parents. But he said that he doesn't want to talk to them cause they don't like what he has become. And I said what have you become? What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with you..not at all. Why do you say that? And he didn't reply. And I told him that I was sorry that I wasn't always there for you..I'm sorry. But I'm here if you want to talk about it. And still nothing. He was like this before I got into a relationship. He keeps a lot inside. He blames himself for his parents giving him up for adoption. That he's a bastard that the parents that he has now don't love him cause he's a bastard alcoholic. And I got on his case about that. But he knows that I get on myself too.

 

[Dark Drakan]

In general in relationships you should always appreciate the time you DID get to spend with them and look back on the good times and be thankful for them. My failed relationships taught me a lot, not just about people but about myself too and I have come out the other side a better person. You always think you will never find someone as good as them but relationships can also make you blind and only see the good and forget the bad. The relationship ended for a reason and afterwards when I have reflected and got my head straight I have always found that they ended for the better. Doesnt stop you being sad about it and having regrets but that just proves that maybe you cared more than they did. I have always dusted myself off, picked myself back up and moved on. I still remember the good times I shared with those people and the fond memories and experiences we had but you have a life to live too and cant stay hung up on people who have moved on with their life or whose lives have taken them away from you somehow. If they really cared as much as you then they will find their way back at some point when they are ready.

 

[Loopy]

But I forgot to mention..that this was quite awhile ago. Before I began my current relationship. So I don't think he feels the same anymore. His best friend in Hawaii told me that he needs me..that he's got a feeling. But I don't know if I should believe that. Cause he doesn't really see him that much.

You shouldn't be relying on his friends to give you messages. If he really wanted to talk to you, he would do it himself. You said before than when he's drunk, he's perfectly capable of contacting you.

We still have the same interests we still have everything in common..well just about. And we look similar to each other. Our body structures are the same our hands are the same size. He's only a few inches taller than I am. There are so many reason why I feel this way. And I will not be able to tell you guys just how we made each other feel cause it's not possible to put how it made us feel.

Interests and the other things you have listed do not make up for things you have said about him on other threads, like when he kept talking about another girlfriend and it hurt you. Why would you want to be with a guy like that? From all the other messages you've posted in other topics, it is clear this guy has hurt you a lot. Why are you idealising him after everything else you have posted?

I still remember the good times I shared with those people and the fond memories and experiences we had but you have a life to live too and cant stay hung up on people who have moved on with their life or whose lives have taken them away from you somehow. If they really cared as much as you then they will find their way back at some point when they are ready.

Exactly. Otherwise it just becomes fixation on something from the past, and that's no way to live, especially if the relationship was a nasty one.

What I don't get is people who say how terrible their ex was one moment, then say how they want them back and turn all the bad events in the relationship into an idealised image. If it's getting to that stage, then the person clearly needs to move on or seek counselling/ a psychological evaluation, because clearly there is something not right with that kind of thinking. It reminds me of being brainwashed in a cult.

If the ex was a lowlife who made you feel like crap, toyed with your feelings and made self esteem drop, don't turn around later and say how wonderful they were and how you want to be with them. It's either one way or the other. People like that need alone time and a therapist, not another crummy relationship to worsen their already fragile mental state. Then again, people who think like that have usually been abused in some way and just latch on to the first person who gives them attention....it's quite sad really.

 

[V]

"At the end of the day there's more to life than people"

-advice from my novelist friend.

 

[Lionheart]

Would you like to have someone special or are you a lonewolf type?

I've actually subscribed to a (semi) free dating site. I think it can be really useful if you want to find the right type of person right away, without needing to go on two or three dates before knowing you're not quite right for each other. I suppose it's always important to have some things in common, and you can see that right away when you've filled out an entire page devoted to it. :laugh: I'm a lone wolf myself, so I'd appreciate somebody who's more vocal than me and has the patience to get to know me... though I also hate self-proclaimed 'bubbly' types. Having a relationship would just be a plus for me, though. I don't know about you, but 've always been quite happy by myself, and my parents aren't really bugging me about wanting grandchildren.

Well I've got a boyfriend like that. But he doesn't treat me like I'm his girlfriend, he says he wants no body else. But he doesn't show it. And I've only been with him for almost 2 months. And we rarely see each other. And there's no communication. He's the one that asked me to be his girl to want to have a serious relationship. Now I'm not so sure about that. He doesn't open up. He wasn't me to fully trust him. I have some trust for him. But I'm not just going to give my trust 100% right away. Especially not the way this relationship is going.

We all have different ways of showing our love. If he doesn't communicate with you much and acts a bit iffy, I'd just ask him what's wrong. Maybe he's not proud of some things he's done, or he's just really shy. Or maybe he's afraid of the future. OR... if he says he wants you to trust him, maybe he's had trust issues in the past, due to his demeanor. If that's just the way he is, and you can't handle that, then you're not right for each other. Anyway, I really suggest just talking about it - with a mediator, if necessary.
But then, I don't know what he's like, and I don't even really know what you're like. I can only give you a few tips, even though I have no experience myself. :frown: Just my thoughts. I hope it all works out for you - love is a rare thing.

 

[Loopy]

But then, I don't know what he's like, and I don't even really know what you're like. I can only give you a few tips, even though I have no experience myself. :frown: Just my thoughts. I hope it all works out for you - love is a rare thing.

Exactly. None of us are in this situation, only OP is. Besides, none of us are trained relationship therapists or psychiatrists...least I don't think anyone on here is. So it's not like we can give professional advice.

Most we can do is give advice based on our own experience. But, I don't think a forum is a place to get answers to something so serious. Only the individual can make a choice by themselves. Failing that, do it with the help of friends and family.

 

[Lionheart]

Exactly. None of us are in this situation, only OP is. Besides, none of us are trained relationship therapists or psychiatrists...least I don't think anyone on here is. So it's not like we can give professional advice.

Most we can do is give advice based on our own experience. But, I don't think a forum is a place to get answers to something so serious. Only the individual can make a choice by themselves. Failing that, do it with the help of friends and family.

Yeah. But still, it's good to get some feedback every now and then. It's always best to be patient with the person you're in a relationship with. People make mistakes, and I do have experience with one girl who just couldn't tolerate any mistake. Forgot to come online because you were very busy, and bam! Relationship over. Patience, understanding, and dialog. That's all we can advise at this point. The rest is up to the TS herself.

 

[Loopy]

Yeah. But still, it's good to get some feedback every now and then. It's always best to be patient with the person you're in a relationship with. People make mistakes, and I do have experience with one girl who just couldn't tolerate any mistake. Forgot to come online because you were very busy, and bam! Relationship over. Patience, understanding, and dialog. That's all we can advise at this point. The rest is up to the TS herself.

True, people make mistakes, but when they are repeated things such as alcoholism, using inconsistent affection as a lure to keep a person hooked, using a sob story to gain pity, periods of ignoring contact, and emotional manipulation...those things can't be forgiven in my book and should never be tolerated. That sort of behaviour has all the markings of an abusive relationship in the making.

If a guy or girl is like that, they can't be fixed and are looking for someone to drag down with them, or someone to bully to make themselves feel better.
Then they get you so low that you want to move away from all friends and family to be with them because you think you are the one to fix them.

Being in a relationship for the right reason is also something to think about. For example, being in a relationships just because the guy or girl gives you attention that you don't normally have is a very bad reason.
Then again, people who are in a relationship for that reason usually have a bad childhood, low self esteem, or some sort of abuse history, which makes them just go with anyone who seems to treat them right or give them attention Then they just end up blaming themselves when the other person shows their true nature. Anyway...I'm rambling.

 

[VineBigBoss]

I'm a strange mix of these two types of creatures: i like having someone to care about and share some of my life, but at the same time i have a strong tendency to be alone with my own **** and forget about the world; i'm generally a good lover in the moments i'm with the person, but when i'm with my friends or alone, i generally like to appreciate these moments and forget about anything else, so: i'm passionate when i'm together and distant when i'm not around. I have a hard time expressing too much my emotions too, i feel too "exposed" when i talk sincerely about how i feel and i prefer to just leave some hints to the other person instead of putting it in words. And i'm a hard person to deal with too, i have to admit it, if something is not on my terms when it comes to a relationship, i GTFO as soon as possible given i not have the patience to deal with the bullshit women always tried to throw at me along my life.

But i think that i'll end with someone sooner or later, i already had some relationships that could have turned to be a family but the circunstances were not too good (the girl lived kinda far from here, and i was moving to attend to university when we had like 9 months together).

Btw, your guy seems kinda like me. If we really share that similar personality, i would say for you to have some patience, some people have some difficulties to show their emotions, or they are just too invested on their own things that they forget about their other passions when doing something. It's kinda strange to explain, but, take it easy and try to see where this is going, if you suspect something just keep your eyes open and GTFO if you notice something too wrong.

 

[Vergillicious]

I'm a strange mix of these two types of creatures: i like having someone to care about and share some of my life, but at the same time i have a strong tendency to be alone with my own **** and forget about the world; i'm generally a good lover in the moments i'm with the person, but when i'm with my friends or alone, i generally like to appreciate these moments and forget about anything else, so: i'm passionate when i'm together and distant when i'm not around. I have a hard time expressing too much my emotions too, i feel too "exposed" when i talk sincerely about how i feel and i prefer to just leave some hints to the other person instead of putting it in words. And i'm a hard person to deal with too, i have to admit it, if something is not on my terms when it comes to a relationship, i GTFO as soon as possible given i not have the patience to deal with the bullshit women always tried to throw at me along my life.

But i think that i'll end with someone sooner or later, i already had some relationships that could have turned to be a family but the circunstances were not too good (the girl lived kinda far from here, and i was moving to attend to university when we had like 9 months together).

Btw, your guy seems kinda like me. If we really share that similar personality, i would say for you to have some patience, some people have some difficulties to show their emotions, or they are just too invested on their own things that they forget about their other passions when doing something. It's kinda strange to explain, but, take it easy and try to see where this is going, if you suspect something just keep your eyes open and GTFO if you notice something too wrong.

I show my emotions too much as well. And I think the more people are more open the more they are easily hurt. I'm a very passionate/compationate person. I can't help but to care so much for the person that that I'm with. But it leaves me very vaulter able as well. It's hard to find someone they you immediately "click" with. I've only had that happen once, the times that we had were very short lived. But it was worth it. And for a very long time I felt myself wanting to be with that person again more than anything. But I need to face the facts that it's over that there's nothing left. I wasn't sure if the he was playing with my emotions the whole time or what. He was one of those people that would "beat around the bush"

The guy that I'm with now or the guy that moved to Hawaii?

 

[VineBigBoss]

I think it's good to be this way, i mean, at least you tell things whenever you want and your lovers will never have any doubt. But, yeah, it's kinda like opening your defenses. I think that ultimately we have to try and understand others personalities when in a relationship, and decide if we can deal with them or not.

The guy you described in your fourth post, i think.

And don't get yourself trapped in the past, i've done this before and it's just a waste of time. My ex-girlfriends sometimes call me out of some nostalgia, i always try to give some advice not to pay too much attention to the past or the future, just on what they can do right now. It's not like it is impossible for you to be with the guy that moved to Hawaii again (the same way me and the girl i mentioned before), for example, but if the moment comes, you will certainly know about it, sometimes we just have to put faith on our intuition instead of creating expectations or keep dealing with ghosts from the past.

 

[Vergillicious]

Wow..it sucks to posting anything on mobile without sounding like a silly nanny *face palm*

 

[Vergillicious]

I think it's good to be this way, i mean, at least you tell things whenever you want and your lovers will never have any doubt. But, yeah, it's kinda like opening your defenses. I think that ultimately we have to try and understand others personalities when in a relationship, and decide if we can deal with them or not.

The guy you described in your fourth post, i think.

And don't get yourself trapped in the past, i've done this before and it's just a waste of time. My ex-girlfriends sometimes call me out of some nostalgia, i always try to give some advice not to pay too much attention to the past or the future, just on what they can do right now. It's not like it is impossible for you to be with the guy that moved to Hawaii again (the same way me and the girl i mentioned before), for example, but if the moment comes, you will certainly know about it, sometimes we just have to put faith on our intuition instead of creating expectations or keep dealing with ghosts from the past.

Truth be told I don't know why I waste my time honestly. I think that everyone is right that I should just forget everything with him in general and don't dwell on the past. Searching for things in the past to go back to is pointless. Cause there's nothing left, nothing there..nothing.