More XIII-2 satire! :lol:
Don't Mess With Lightning!
Hope was sitting at the computer minding his own business. He went onto Games Radar to get the latest game news when he saw-
“Lightning!” he yelled on the top of his lungs.
“Yeah?”
“Get in here!”
Lightning came over and he got up, so she could sit down. “What am I looking at?” she asked rather apathetically as she rubbed her eye.
“Look!” Hope yelled and pointed to the screen. It was an article about the recently announced direct sequel to Final Fantasy XIII. He played the trailer and Lightning stared at it blankly. After it ended she was still staring at the screen in confusion. Eventually she let out a-
“What the hell is that?”
“That’s the new you I guess.” Hope replied.
“No it isn’t. Not if I have anything to do with it.” Lightning got up and grabbed her gunblade and stormed out of the house.
She drove to where the new game was supposed to take place. She saw the two figures, Lino and some other person who she couldn’t tell if it was a guy or a girl, fighting. She slammed on the gas and sped toward them. The two idiots noticed her and got out of the way just in time before Lightning spun her motorcycle at them and jumped out, landing next to it with her weapon in hand. She waltzed over to Lino, who was lying on the ground.
“So…you think you can just replace me, huh? Well, that’s not how it works.” She said and pointed her gun at Lino. “Sorry, no hard feelings, right?” Lightning smirked and was a bout to pull the trigger when she realized who Lino was. “S-s-Serah?!” Lightning’s gun fell out of her hand and landed on the ground.
“Hi, Sis!” Serah smiled as she stood up.
“What…what the f***?!” Lightning gapped at her little sister. “What are you wearing?”
“Oh! You like?”
“No I don’t ‘like’! What’s going on?”
“Remember how Square Enix wanted to make a XIII-2, but you said know? Well they got me to play you’re part instead! We look enough alike, right? And with makeup and all I’d say it’ll work.
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope.” Serah smiled broadly.
“Son of a bitch.” Lightning sneered and got back on her motorcycle and drove away. She sped down the highway toward the place that was behind it all. Square Enix. As she got closer she drove off the road and faced the building. Without stopping she sped toward it. She pushed a button and held on as her motorcycle transformed into and a hover bike. She flew into the air leaving a very jealous Snow behind, muttering about how his bike can’t do that.
She used her vehicle’s Garmin to locate where the FFXIII-2 development room was. “Continue for .1 miles then turn right.” Lightning did as she was told only to hear the dreaded, “Recalculating.”
“Oh shut up! Forget it. I’ll just guess.” She flew down at top speed and crashed through the roof and landed right in the middle of the room, breaking the meeting table in half. She hopped off and looked around the room. A sign read “Final Fantasy XIII-2 development.”
“Oh perfect.” Lightning smirked and turned her attention to the game designers who were cowering in fear in the corner. One of them said something in Japanese and the rest chuckled. “Nomura.” she whispered. That had to be him. She walked over to them, her gun ready.
“So…you all are the masterminds behind XIII-2.” she paused for a moment. “Big mistake there. You see, no one messes with Sgt. Claire ‘Lightning’ Farron. And you know why?” she pointed her gun at them and they all started whimpering. “Because I don’t take to kindly to bull s***. So…who wants to go first?”
“WAAAAIIIT!!!!!!!” someone called from the hall.
Lightning wheeled around to face the intruder. It was Hope. He came in panting and stumbled over to Lightning. “Did you…run the whole way here?” she asked him and he nodded. “Why?”
“Because! You can’t kill the SE guys! The game isn’t that bad. In fact, you look really-”
“That is not me.”
“Well, whoever it is. She looks really...oooh.” Hope blushed and started giggling.
One of Lightning’s eyes started twitching as she realized what he meant. “Hope. You are 14. You shouldn’t say stuff like that.” she then turned back to the developers only to realize they had slithered out of the room. “Damn it, Hope!” she grabbed her hover bike and jumped on and sped down the hall. She saw Nomura and the others cram into the elevator. She got off and threw her bike at them and it got stuck in the door right as it closed. She could hear the sounds of them crying as they climbed out of the emergency hatch. She blasted a whole in the wall with her gun and climbed onto the top of the elevator. She snapped her fingers and her anti-gravity thing turned on. She jumped up and soared through the shaft after the developers as they climbed up the cable.
She flew past what looked like a group of toys trying to climb up the wall. The leader saw her and sighed. “Of course! What was I thinking? My anti gravity turbo!” he pressed something on his belt and let go of the wall. “To infinity….and BEOND!”
Lightning made a mental note to herself to get a CAT scan after this was over.
She blasted through the ceiling and landed on the roof, face to face with the developers. Nomura made another joke and they all chuckled again. “What the hell are they talking about?” Lightning muttered. She stormed up to them, corning them at the edge of the building. “Alright. That’s enough.” she said and pointed her gun at them all. “Cancel XIII-2, or else.”
They all exchanged glances before nodding vigorously. “Good.” Lightning lowered her gun and jumped off the roof, landing gracefully on the ground below thanks to her anti gravity thing. She brushed herself off and walked away.
---------Some time later---------
Lightning was on the computer and decided to check Games Radar. Right on the home page was brand new info on none other than
Final Fantasy XIII-2.
“Son…of…a…bitch.” she rubbed her forehead and decided that going through all that again just to get Square to cancel the game wasn’t worth it. So instead she logged onto her favorite forums, devilmaycry.org, “Let’s see…” she said to herself “Sign in…username, Meg.”
EDIT: Darn it! Double posted. >_<
Lightning: Fail.
Meg: Shut up! ;_;