Blast Back (an episodic dungeonpunk adventure)

[TWOxACROSS]

Hey everyone! I finally got the next chapter up! Go give it a look-see

 

[Rebel Dynasty]

I read chapter one, and it was quite good. Pretty much what Elidawn said, though; a lot of repetition, but honestly, I have a rough time of it, too, and in this situation, it's understandable that certain words wound up being used more frequently.

The fight scene was really well written, IMO; I could picture it all really clearly. There was a good flow to your writing, and the descriptions made it all the more enjoyable.

I just had the strongest sense of de ja vu, and now I know why; you put part of this in the quotes thread. Man, I'm loving this! You have a knack for dialogue.

I'm also interested to see what becomes of Chorem's talents, as well...but, I shall hold off on reading chapter 2 until later.

 

[TWOxACROSS]

I read chapter one, and it was quite good. Pretty much what Elidawn said, though; a lot of repetition, but honestly, I have a rough time of it, too, and in this situation, it's understandable that certain words wound up being used more frequently.

IT'S SO ROUGH! I hate word repetition, but when everyone is bandits and using swords, holy sh!t it tests your synonym use.

The fight scene was really well written, IMO; I could picture it all really clearly. There was a good flow to your writing, and the descriptions made it all the more enjoyable.

I've begun to pride myself on choreography a bit. Trying to be more confident, but of course the problem is making sure that I can properly translate what's in my head onto the page...sometimes it doesn't come out perfectly :C

You have a knack for dialogue.

I've been hearing this quite a lot, and it's great to hear, because I value dialogue quite a bit n.n

I'm also interested to see what becomes of Chorem's talents, as well...

Trust me, there's quite a bit of awesomeness to come

 

[Rebel Dynasty]

IT'S SO ROUGH! I hate word repetition, but when everyone is bandits and using swords, holy sh!t it tests your synonym use.

Lmao! You're preaching to the choir, man. I can't even begin to tell you how wounded my ego gets, when I can't think of or don't know a particular synonym. Drives me bat-sh*t crazy. :laugh:

I've begun to pride myself on choreography a bit. Trying to be more confident, but of course the problem is making sure that I can properly translate what's in my head onto the page...sometimes it doesn't come out perfectly :C

I hear you; I'm sort of hit and miss with fight scenes; even when I do them well, I'm like, "WTF?! I can see this in my head...why can't I put it in the exact words, necessary?" But really, you did exceptionally well. Keep at it! ^_^

I've been hearing this quite a lot, and it's great to hear, because I value dialogue quite a bit n.n

Nothing tickles me more than snappy dialogue; that bit between Din and Orvine was just *fangirls* awesome. I love that kind of thing.

Trust me, there's quite a bit of awesomeness to come

I promise, I'm reading chapter 2 first thing tomorrow; I really look forward to what happens, and of course, I'll give you feedback.

 

[Rebel Dynasty]

I've read Chapter 2, and thus, here are the highlights (to me):

-I loved the descriptive flow, especially when you were focusing on Din's remembrance of the life he once led, and what it felt like to be a part of that.

-I really liked what Din said to Dylock, about what war truly signifies, and about in order for lives to be spared, others would have to be lost.

-While he was a complete a$$ to Dylock at the start, I felt some sympathy for Chorem; it's hard to decide if he really wants to be a mage, or if he only thinks he wants to, simply because of his family. I've never felt it was fair, for parents to push all their expectations and hopes on their children; a child should live their own life, not the failed dreams of their parents. I think you touched on this scenario quite well.

-I loved the part while they were up in the bell tower for detention; I wouldn't be surprised if a teacher had cast a spell on it to slow down time as punishment. XD I also liked how Dylock jumped to his defense, without a second thought.

-The dialogue is entertaining, as always, and I suppose given the realm they exist in, it's only natural that they're vocabulary exceeds most their age. I chuckled at the end of their dialogue in the tower (dazzler).

All in all, I find myself really enjoying this story, and I look forward to seeing more. ^^

 

[TWOxACROSS]

The hardest part about the detention scene was making it sound like they were ungodly bored without making the reader bored, too >.<

Interesting that you found that underlying theme of Chorem worried about what he wants to be. I expected most people would only see it at its base, where Chorem only fails because he doesn't want to get hassled by his classmates, but there is some overall uncertainty in the kid, and it's a much larger part of what makes Chorem who he is, and what's to come.

Also for everyone, I talked about this in my newest blarg post, but I suppose I should post it here for good measure, too...

In this chapter we hear some students tossing out odd words, insults specifically, at each other, here’s what they mean in the context of Blast Back‘s universe.

Breadcutter
A derogatory term for squires or really any blade-using warrior. Refers to the person being useful for nothing more than cutting a soft loaf of bread. Especially attributed to squires of the Luna Caeruleum Academy, who use training sabers with incredibly dull edges up until they are gifted a sharpened sword at graduation.

Dazzler
A derogatory term for acolytes studying the magical arts. Dazzling is an extremely basic low-level spell that emits simple sparks like fireworks from the hands. As it is such a low-level spell, it’s one of the simplest to learn, and so to call a mage a dazzler is to call them a simpleton. Fans of Dungeons & Dragons might know of a similar low-level spell.

Spoonsucker
Aristocrats are already often mentioned as having been born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and this insult takes it a step further, implying that the aristocrat not only has privilege, but wants and expects more, like trying to suck more soup from a spoon that can only give so much. In essence, a spoonsucker isn’t just an aristocrat, it’s one that demands more and more simply because of their privilege.

 

[Rebel Dynasty]

The hardest part about the detention scene was making it sound like they were ungodly bored without making the reader bored, too >.<

Lol, don't worry. You conveyed their boredom without boring me, quite well.

Interesting that you found that underlying theme of Chorem worried about what he wants to be. I expected most people would only see it at its base, where Chorem only fails because he doesn't want to get hassled by his classmates, but there is some overall uncertainty in the kid, and it's a much larger part of what makes Chorem who he is, and what's to come.

I think it's just because I know people who have been in Chorem's shoes-I've been there-so it kind of just jumped out at me. ^^;

Also for everyone, I talked about this in my newest blarg post, but I suppose I should post it here for good measure, too...

For the most part, I'd more or less figured out the meanings, but it's good to have something concrete for everyone to go on.

 

[TWOxACROSS]

So, I have one of these now. I've been coerced, but I guess it's a good idea.

 

[Rebel Dynasty]

I totally would if I could. ^^; If I ever get around to creating a PayPal account, I'll do what I can.

 

[TWOxACROSS]

Ha, well don't strain yourself. I don't wanna feel like I'm begging people for money now :S I wish I could make the Support tab more out of the way, and not part of the other tabs >.<

 

[Rebel Dynasty]

No no, it's okay; you don't come off like that, at all. ^^;

Still, I'll help in whatever meager ways I can-spreading the word or otherwise.

 

[TWOxACROSS]

I greatly appreciate spreading the word n.n

 

[Erian1Mortal]

Same here, I'll be spreading the word, seeing as I can not donate anything righ now.
As an artist myself I know how hard it is to get exposure... I mean I'm still a student but I really wanna publish an illustrations book one day and without exposure no one is gonna buy it.
I wish you the best of luck with it!
I'm gonna give out my thoughts on chapter 2 later today^^

 

[TWOxACROSS]

Same here, I'll be spreading the word, seeing as I can not donate anything righ now.
As an artist myself I know how hard it is to get exposure... I mean I'm still a student but I really wanna publish an illustrations book one day and without exposure no one is gonna buy it.
I wish you the best of luck with it!
I'm gonna give out my thoughts on chapter 2 later today^^

And I appreciate your support too Likewise, if you've got anymore fanart you wanna do, I'll certainly be showing it off on muh blarg. It's a mutual thing, hahaha.

 

[Erian1Mortal]

And I appreciate your support too Likewise, if you've got anymore fanart you wanna do, I'll certainly be showing it off on muh blarg. It's a mutual thing, hahaha.

There certainly is something in the works^^

Well my thoughts on chapter 2:

I didn't mind the time skip as much as I thought I would, but it wasn't that long and the dialouge between the characters pretty much summed up the events of that time perfectly. They are also one of your greatest assets, none of them sound forced and they all flow pretty well. Which brings me to the characters. I really like what you're doing with the archetypes that they represent. You seem to have them fleshed out pretty well, since I do have the feeling that they are actual characters, with layers of personality.
All in all I really liked the chapter, the background informations you posted on your blog are also a nice read.


On a side note, I really don't know why, but that scene with Volnen reminded me of the first Harry Potter book where they meet Draco for the first time XD

I can't wait to read the next chapter, but do take your time, I know it'll be worth the wait!

 

[TWOxACROSS]

I didn't mind the time skip as much as I thought I would, but it wasn't that long and the dialouge between the characters pretty much summed up the events of that time perfectly. They are also one of your greatest assets, none of them sound forced and they all flow pretty well.

I'm glad to hear this. I was worried about skipping that time, but friends assured me that if I write the character responses correctly, readers should be able to understand how relationships have developed, and even certain events that took place. Glad it paid off though

I'm always concerned about the worst possible outcome >.< I suppose it's better to be concerned that confident

Which brings me to the characters. I really like what you're doing with the archetypes that they represent. You seem to have them fleshed out pretty well, since I do have the feeling that they are actual characters, with layers of personality.

Hmmmmmm...what archetypes do you think they represent? Not skeptical or anything, just super-curious :3

On a side note, I really don't know why, but that scene with Volnen reminded me of the first Harry Potter book where they meet Draco for the first time XD

Haha! Well, it's actually a slight parody of Back to the Future's scene where Marty is in the cafe in the past, sitting next to young father. Notice how both Dylock and Chorem both respond to the name the bully calls Chorem. This isn't the only Back to the Future reference I have inadvertently planned

 

[Erian1Mortal]

Hmmmmmm...what archetypes do you think they represent? Not skeptical or anything, just super-curious :3

Well Din is the wise old man, with a mysterious past.
Dylock is the young hot headed hero type. Those are pretty much always figthers and often not the brightst (not actually the case with Dylock)
And Chorem is pretty much the intelligent and shy one. These characters mostly don't know what they want in life or what they are supposed to do with themselves.

Thats just the stuff I've picked up over time, while watching animes, writing storys and studying character design. It's always good to see those archetypes pulled of in a good and competent way.

Haha! Well, it's actually a slight parody of Back to the Future's scene where Marty is in the cafe in the past, sitting next to young father. Notice how both Dylock and Chorem both respond to the name the bully calls Chorem. This isn't the only Back to the Future reference I have inadvertently planned

That reminds me to watch these movies again, it's been kind of a long time since I've watched them. But I remember that scene, I'll look for references down the line

 

[TWOxACROSS]

Here's a little Chapter III teaser for yah


“I fail see how that’s my fault, considering sahuagin don’t have a habitat anywhere close to here for one to have wandered into a busy capitol, let alone a café,” Chorem said. “They should have known it was an illusion.”
“Most people don’t know such irrelevant trivia, Chorem,” Dylock responded.
“Irrelevant trivia? We learned that last week in survival class, it’s in our bestiary,” Chorem explained.
“Ho…so that means it’s going to be on the test this week…doesn’t it?” Dylock asked.

 

[Rebel Dynasty]

Here's a little Chapter III teaser for yah


“I fail see how that’s my fault, considering sahuagin don’t have a habitat anywhere close to here for one to have wandered into a busy capitol, let alone a café,” Chorem said. “They should have known it was an illusion.”
“Most people don’t know such irrelevant trivia, Chorem,” Dylock responded.
“Irrelevant trivia? We learned that last week in survival class, it’s in our bestiary,” Chorem explained.
“Ho…so that means it’s going to be on the test this week…doesn’t it?” Dylock asked.

Hmm...now I'm really curious as to what they're talking about.

Also, you omitted the word "to" at the very start of the sentence. ^^; (I fail to see).

You've got my attention, lol.

 

[TWOxACROSS]

Also, you omitted the word "to" at the very start of the sentence. ^^; (I fail to see).

Wewps >.< Good thing it's still a rough draft, haha. I'm sure my girlfriend would have caught it while editing