Asuka and Kasumi story..

[Ai-Katsumi Haru]

Asuka is a japanese photographer.
some years ago, Asuka and his wife Kasumi were looking forward to going home from a trip to Thailand, Kasumi was driving them along a jungle road on the way to the airport in Bangkok, the capital, in order to fly to Tokyo. "Stop please, Kasumi" Asuka said "there's a waterfall near here and I want to take a picture of it".

"If u r going to go into the jungle alone u must be careful, " Kasumi said.
"Don't worry," Asuke replied. "I'm used to going into the jungles. the waterfall is only two kilometers from here. u wait in the car, i'll be back in an hour."

Asuka set off. he heard water crashing onto rocks so he decided to walk in the direction of the noise, there were alots of trees and walking was hard. After he'd walked for an hour, he passed a pool. but now he could hardly hear the waterfall. As he saw the sun going down, he began to think "I must get back to the car"
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TO BE CONTINUED" this story producted by me ^^
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guess, what will happen to Asuka?
and will Kasumi be worried about her husband Asuka??

 

[Black Angel]

Asuka is a girls name.

 

[Vauxchen]

^That's what I thought. Oh well.

Good story. ^_^

 

[Ai-Katsumi Haru]

It's time to continue this little story... ^_^
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When it was so dark that she couldn't see, Kasumi said to herself, "I have to go for help. Asuka must have injured himself." she took a shirt from the car, left it on a tree by the road, and then, drove quickly away.
In the jungle, Asuka thought, "I can't find the car. I don't mind being in the jungle, but I must find somewhere safe. I can't stay at the pool. Dangerous animals drink here." He covered himself in mud to protect himself against insects. Then he walked from the pool and climbed a tree. He would have to stay there all night.
Kasumi drove for half an hour and saw neither people nor cars. suddenly, there were lights. she stopped and shouted "Help! my husband is lost in the jungle" People ran to her but no one said anything then, Kasumi understood that no one spoke english because they r from the villages of Thailand.
--------------------------TO BE CONTINUED >>>
and thanks for reading ^_^

 

[Vauxchen]

You need to write more... It's a must read for me. XD

 

[Ai-Katsumi Haru]

:lol: ok, just wait cuz i am thinking of how can i continue this little story ^

 

[Vauxchen]

:dry: Fine. You will do a good job. ^_^

 

[Ai-Katsumi Haru]

oh thanks ^^

 

[Black Angel]

Your dialogue could use some work in general, they just state their intentions out loud and point out the obvious allot. You could probably think of a more creative way for the characters to express intentions and motivations without just flatly stating them out loud.

Also, they are married right? So why do they refer to each-other by name all the time?

And why is she trying to get help be speaking in english if they are both Japanese? Where does this take place?

Lastly Asuka is still a girls name.

 

[DeviRyuuD]

May i indulge with some criticism as well?
For the first, Asuka is indeed a girls name, but ah well, let`s pretend it`s a *guy*.
Quite an irresponsibility toward his wife, leaving her on the road in the car. ALONE.
You should focus writing the monologues/dialogues in new paragraphs, it`d be easier to read.
Ah well, nnothing comes without practice, just keep writing =)

 

[Ai-Katsumi Haru]

thanks everyone to advise me, but it's the first time i producted a little story like this one
so, iam not good at the producting ....thanks again ^^

 

[Black Angel]

^No problem, just want to see young writers get better.^_^

You'll write some interesting stuff with some practice.