Unfailing Innocence

[DreadnoughtDT]

Chapter 5
Brief Respite

Micheal groggily opened his eyes and looked around slowly. He was in his apartment, lying in bed with only his boxers on, and it was still dark. He sighed. "It was a dream...?" He muttered and moved to scoot over when he bumped someone. A person. His breath caught. "Not a dream." He said to himself and got up a bit to look.

Krystal stirred and got up slowly, looking at the digital clock that softly illuminated the room with it's green glow. It read 4:00 AM. She looked over to Micheal and smiled softly. "That was some scary stuff last night, wouldn't you agree?"

Micheal rubbed his eyes and laid back down. "Yeah. It was."

Krystal laid on her side, facing Micheal, and held his hand. "But we made it out alive. That's the important part, right?"

Micheal sighed. "Yes, but I can't believe that all was real..." He looked at Krystal, a look of slight disbelief on his face.

Krystal nodded. "I can imagine it's a lot for someone to take it. Also..." She leaned over to Micheal and kissed him gently on the cheek. "I didn't get to thank you for rescuing me before. So consider that your thanks." She smiled sweetly.

Micheal put a hand to where Krystal had kissed him and stammered a bit. "Th...Thanks, I guess." He then looked at her, wearing only her two-piece. "Y'know, those clothes you had before really didn't suit you. They were old and mucky. I'll find something more suitable for you." He got out of bed and cracked his back, then his neck and knuckles. His shoulder was sore because he had slept on his side all night. He walked to his closet and moved all his clothes out of the way. At the back of the closet was a small box. He opened it, taking out a black t-shirt and some tight fitting jeans. He turned to Krystal, the clothes in his hands. "Would these fit you?"

Krystal ****ed her head to the side. "Maybe. We'd have to cut a hole for my tail, though."

Micheal smiled. "What's with the "we" stuff? You're gonna have to do it. I don't know where to cut." He grabbed a shirt and pants from the closet and quickly put them on, then walked to the kitchen and opened a drawer, taking a scissors. He returned to the bedroom and handed the clothes to Krystal, then the scissors. He then walked to the living room and turned on the TV, sitting on the two-seat couch.

Less than a minute later, Krystal walked into the room wearing the clothes Micheal had given her. Needless to say, they made her look a lot different than the loose, baggy clothes she'd been wearing before. She smiled when she noticed that Micheal was staring. "I take it you like what you see?" She said jokingly.

Micheal nodded. "Those clothes fit you." He said. "I like them. But they have a bad history behind how I got them."

Krystal sat next to him on the couch. "What is that?" She said, intrigued.

Micheal thought for a moment, then started speaking. "They belong to my ex." He said quietly. "She didn't want anything to do with me after a certain incident, and she left those clothes here to remind me of "what a terrible boyfriend" I was." He chuckled bitterly. "She was stuck up anyway. I didn't like her."

Krystal nodded. "From your memories, I can deduce that she was selfish, cruel, and not at all pleasant to be around." She smiled deviously. "She wasn't much to look at either."

Micheal laughed. "No, no she wasn't. In fact, she was pretty ugly. Don't know why I went out with her..." The reason why escaped him at the moment.

Krystal shrugged. "Not like it matters, right?" She put a hand on Micheal's shoulder. "You have me now."

Micheal nodded and leaned his head on Krystal's shoulder. "That I do. That I do." He said. He finally felt love for the first time, and he was savoring every moment of it.

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James turned to Leonard and Wolfgang. "How long until she's ready for activation?"

Leonard looked at his brother. "If the tests are correct, which they often are, then she could be awakened now. All we need to do is give her a name."

James shook his head. "A name? She doesn't need such petty..." He trailed off as a perfect name came to mind. "She will be called "Kursed". I think that fits her perfectly." He turned to Wolfgang, who was manning the controls to the stasis tank. "Now. Awaken her."

Wolfgang nodded and pressed a button, then entered a code into a keypad. The stasis tank opened into several sections, the violet liquid that was inside spilling out. The figure inside slowly was revealed as the liquid spilled out more and more. She was a fox-woman, like Krystal, but her fur was a dark, almost black shade of purple and the runes on her wrists, ankles and back were a bright red. She was almost nude, wearing nothing but a two-piece undergarment. She opened her bright red eyes suddenly, and they fixed on James right away.

James walked forward. "Good morning, Kursed." He said in a bright tone. "I trust you slept well?"

Kursed ripped the cords from her arms and legs and jumped out of the tank. "Fairly well, all things considered." She said in a flat tone. "Now, what is it you want?"

James folded his hands. "Ah yes, of course. I need you to kill this person." He dug in his pocket for a photograph of Krystal and showed it to Kursed. "She has been impersonating you. Rather poorly, too."

Kursed took the photograph forcefully and studied it closely. "She couldn't pass herself off as me if she tried." She said sternly. "She is a very flawed copy." She added.

James nodded. "This I know. All we need for you to do is track her down and kill her, along with the man that ran off with her. That isn't too much trouble, is it?"

Kursed looked at the photograph in her hand again and watched with destructive delight as it burst into flames and crumbled in her hand. "No. No it is not."

James smiled. "Perfect! We've got a car for you already outsi-"

"I don't require transportation." Kursed said quickly, cutting James off. "I prefer walking." With that, she walked briskly out of the room and to the barracks, taking a gang member's clothes and putting them on. She pulled a hood over her head and put her hands into the pockets of her jeans, then walked out of the building, keeping her face in shadow.

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Krystal suddenly noticed that she had a headache, as if someone's thoughts were in direct conflict with her's. She put a hand to her forehead, thinking it may be a fever of some kind, but it felt normal. She looked at Micheal. "Micheal, can you get me something for my head?" She asked, trying to mask the pain.

Micheal nodded. "Sure. Hold on." He got up from the couch and came back with a pill and a glass of water in hand. "Put the pill under your tongue, take a swig of water and then swallow the pill. That's what I do."

Krystal did as she was instructed. "Alright. Hopefully that fixes it..." She didn't sound very sure of herself.

Half an hour passed, and Krystal's headache wasn't improving. In fact, it was getting worse. She felt like something was getting closer. There was a knock at the door of the apartment. Micheal checked the peephole. He saw a hooded figure with it's hands in it's pockets...

(let me know if I'm overdoing the cliffhanger junk, guys. I only put this one in because I didn't want to make the chapter too long.)

 

[Daring Dylan]

it's hands in it's

Just "its", not "it's".

Anyways, I can taste the romance between them <3. And, er...can't wait for more action, too. <.< Oh! You can never have too many cliffhangers.

 

[DreadnoughtDT]

Just "its", not "it's".

Anyways, I can taste the romance between them <3. And, er...can't wait for more action, too. <.< Oh! You can never have too many cliffhangers.

Ah. Thanks for pointing that out.

You like the romance between the two, eh? :3 I've been told I write good romance. Guess I was right.

Also, it's come to my attention that not many people here know what Krystal looks like, so here, have a picture.

http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk34/Vixen2005/Krystal/Blue_Krystal_2.jpg

 

[Daring Dylan]

Ah. Thanks for pointing that out.

You like the romance between the two, eh? :3 I've been told I write good romance. Guess I was right.

Also, it's come to my attention that not many people here know what Krystal looks like, so here, have a picture.

http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk34/Vixen2005/Krystal/Blue_Krystal_2.jpg

I'm probably the biggest hopeless romantic on this forum. Of course I love the romance.

And now I feel icky for finding that picture slightly attractive. ._.

 

[DreadnoughtDT]

And now I feel icky for finding that picture slightly attractive. ._.

I bet it was meant to make people feel that way. Funny thing is, that image is a cropped out and blown up version of something that pops up in the game's promotional art! XD

 

[Marisa]

Awesome Story DT

 

[Daring Dylan]

I'm going to do one chapter at a time, since I'm being lazy. I'll do the others later tonight or tomorrow. Here's chapter one's review.

"I dunno." The first muttered. "That doesn't sound quite right." His voice had that sort of "I can't clear my throat" sound to it. The second scoffed.

You might want to think of a better way to describe what the man's voice sounded like. It could be described just as well with one word. Like “scratchy”. It works just as well while eliminating unnecessary detail, and it makes the flow of the sentence much better. The length of a story =/= the quality of it.

Both their eyes widened. Simmons gulped this time. "Um... Alright, let's check that out."

This is a story. You DO want the dialouge to sound realistic, but the “Um,”s “Er,”s and “Uh”s we use in real life are unneeded.

Both their eyes widened. Simmons gulped this time. "Um... Alright, let's check that out." He raised his pistol, ready for anything. Griff started creeping away, which Simmons responded to by grabbing his collar and dragging him up forward. He was shaking in his boots, his pistol barely held in his sweaty hands. They both walked forward slowly. They rounded the corner, seeing what looked like a human figure laying in a blanket. Simmons gritted his teeth. "Dammit Griff! It's just a fricking hobo!"

It should look like this:

Both their eyes widened. Simmons gulped this time. "Um... Alright, let's check that out." He raised his pistol, ready for anything.

Griff started creeping away, which Simmons responded to by grabbing his collar and dragging him up forward. He was shaking in his boots, his pistol barely held in his sweaty hands. They both walked forward slowly. They rounded the corner, seeing what looked like a human figure laying in a blanket.

Simmons gritted his teeth. "Dammit Griff! It's just a fricking hobo!"

Otherwise, you have a run on paragraph. This applies to your other run-on paragraph's you have as well.

She pulled away her hand. "No. I won't go." Simmons' expression went dry. If he blew it now, he'd never have a shot at the big leagues. He sighed. "Alright, fine. If that's the way you want it..." He started to turn away, and then slyly took a small dart gun out of his pocket. He turned back around and shot the woman with it, knocking her out instantly. Simmons looked at Griff. "You carry her and I'll try to find another patrol. Maybe they'll have a car." He walked out of the alley and waved down a car. The driver rolled down his window. "What'chu want?" He said in a gruff voice. Simmons kept his face calm. "We have a code Moonlight. We've found something interesting." The driver narrowed his eyes. "If it's like last time..." He warned.

I have no idea whatsoever who's talking here. You need to paragraph space every time someone new speaks or you'll end up confusing the reader.

Just a couple more things: You spend too much time on how characters look, and hardly any on the setting. I mean, you don't need to describe every little thing, but just enough so we know where we are.
I suggest getting a beta, since you have some minor errors here and there.
Also, you need to use “he said” or “she said” more. I know that it's boring to use, but it's so simple the readers need not to dwell on it after they read it.

And, er...this was my first REAL review, so forgive me if it sucks. /failreviewisfail

 

[Dante's Stalker]

He got out of bed and cracked his back, then his neck and knuckles.

I'm thinking the word 'creaked' would work better here. 'Cracked' just sounds like he's hurting himself. That is just me though.

With that, she walked briskly out of the room and to the barracks, taking a gang member's clothes and putting them on.

That's pretty vague. Why not just have her be given a hooded cloak to hide her identity instead of having to go out looking for one? They don't want her to be spotted, right? So why wouldn't they provide that for her?

She put a hand to her forehead, thinking it may be a fever of some kind, but it felt normal.

Revise the sentence structure here. How can it feel normal to have a fever of 'some' kind? I know that's not what you're implying but that's how the sentence can be misunderstood.

Half an hour passed, and Krystal's headache wasn't improving. In fact, it was getting worse. She felt like something was getting closer.

If you're going to make that paragraph work, you need to establish the link between her headache and her feeling an approaching menace earlier on. Don't skip it, even if we all already know what is causing the headache and will understand, it's neglecting the character herself. SHE doesn't know why the sudden headache, and if she's made the assumption that something bad is coming her way, it needs to be mentioned earlier so it doesn't read as 'author threw this here line in for suspense-building only'.

Okay, concrits aside, I'm glad to see you're taking the romance slow and steady and not just jumping it out at us. Makes it more believable, and the journey to really get that love blossoming is always sweet and worth the read.

I like cliffhangers.
MORE CLIFFHANGERS!!!
How else can you get people to stay tuned in, right?
Good job DT, I look forward to the next chapter.

 

[DreadnoughtDT]

So, I think you guys may be wondering "Where's the next chapter?"

I haven't even started on it... I'm drawing a huge blank. So if anyone wants to hit me up over MSN or something, just PM me and I'll give you my e-mail address so we can brainstorm. K?

 

[The crazy demon]

^Too bad i dont have MSM in this computer

 

[DreadnoughtDT]

I would like everyone to know this story ain't dead, it's just going a bit slowly. But I recently have gotten a few good ideas and they're going to be put to good use very soon. Expect work on this to quicken in pace very, VERY soon.

 

[DreadnoughtDT]

Chapter 6
What We Are

The door burst into splinters, sending Micheal flying. Krystal was immediately on her feet and she ran to the door, tackling the hooded figure.


The figure laughed."You are my imitation?" She said in an amused tone. "You couldn't pass as me if you tried."

Krystal got up and grabbed the figure's throat, then slammed her against the wall. Several confused shouts came from the other apartments, distracting Krystal for a brief moment.


That was all the time the figure needed to kick her in the gut, making her release her grip, and then spin kick her in the side of the head. "How pathetic." She said as she walked over to the prone Krystal and looked down on her. "Your power is nothing compared to mine." She heard a click behind her and quickly turned to see Micheal aiming a small pistol at her head.

"Leave her alone." He said in a low tone of voice. "Or you'll have a hole in your head."

The figure laughed again. "Not likely." She said. The gun began to heat up in Micheal's hands and he dropped it, causing it to misfire, the bullet going through the window.


Krystal was soon on her feet again. "Why do you call me an imitation?" She said, confused.

The figure took her hood off, revealing her face, and her bright red eyes. "Because you are my fake." She said in a dark tone.

Krystal scoffed. "Nonsense! You are my fake." She said, sure of herself. "What's your name then?" She asked.

The figure smiled evilly. "I am Kursed."

Micheal laughed despite his burned hand. "The name suits you, lady." He said, aiming a punch at Kursed with his uninjured hand. Kursed's eyes glowed red and Micheal started to float in midair. Krystal took the opportunity to grab Kursed and throw her into the kitchen. Kursed growled and took a butcher knife from the small knife set there. She threw it at Krystal, who stopped it in midair and made it harmlessly drop to the ground. Kursed clenched her fists and her eyes glowed again, causing the refrigerator to fly towards Krystal.


Krystal just barely moved out of the way, and grabbed the knife that was on the ground. Micheal, still in the living room, had picked up his pistol and was again trying to aim a shot. Krystal and Kursed threw punch after kick after punch at each other, decimating the kitchen. Kursed took the entire knife set and threw them all at Krystal, who threw them back. Kursed then finally had had enough and sent a wave of telekinetic energy at Krystal, making her fly backwards and through the wall into the adjacent bedroom.

"Krystal!" Micheal yelled, running to her. She lay on the floor of the bedroom, coughing up small amounts of blood. Kursed walked through the hole in the wall, a confident smirk on her face.

"You are so pathetic, you two!" She threw her head back and laughed. "I cannot believe that you had given my master so much trouble."

Krystal looked at Kursed suddenly, her eyes glowing bright white. "I am not pathetic. We are not pathetic." She said in a dark tone. "You are the pathetic one!" She yelled as she threw Kursed out the window and onto the street outside using her telekinetic abilities. Kursed shook her head to clear it, and her eyes widened as she saw a car coming at her. She threw it out of the way just in time, then got up and looked Krystal in the eye, who was now standing at the window.

"This is not over." She said, tearing the bumper off a nearby parked car and pointing it at Micheal and Krystal. Krystal jumped at Kursed and tore the other bumper off the car. They both swung at each other, clashing, causing sparks fly. Micheal lined up a shot and fired, shooting Kursed in the arm. She screamed and threw her weapon at Micheal, who was unable to dodge it. He was hit in the legs, tripping him over and breaking his ankle. Krystal started running to Micheal's side, but was held back. Kursed had Krystal in her grasp, and threw her into a car, and then into the side of the building, then onto the ground. Krystal coughed up more blood and looked at Micheal, who was lining up another shot. He fired again, putting a hole through Kursed's ear. She screamed again and started marching towards him, furious. Micheal fired three more times, but the bullets just bounced off. Kursed picked Micheal up by the throat and squeezed hard, slamming him against the nearby wall.

"You are starting to annoy me." She said, snarling. She dropped him to the ground and was about to stomp on his head when she was sent flying into the wall, smashing through it and into another apartment's bedroom. The residents of the apartment had left, apparently, after the fight had started. Micheal looked at the hole in the wall, at Kursed's unmoving body, and then to the hole towards the street, where Krystal now shakily stood. Micheal got to his feet and fell to his knees for a moment because of his broken ankle, but he took a deep breath and stood up, then walked to Krystal.

"We gotta leave." He said, worried. "Where's my car?"

Krystal pointed to the car that was missing both bumpers. "That's it..." She said. In her battle fury, she had forgotten that it was their car. Micheal shook his head.

"Doesn't matter. It still runs, we take it." He hoisted Krystal onto his shoulder and hobbled to the car. He got in and put Krystal in the backseat, buckling her in for her. "Save your strength." He said, knowing Krystal had been internally wounded, because she was coughing up blood.


She groaned. "Where are we going...?" She said distantly.

Micheal bit his lip and started the car. "A friend of mine, not far from here, but out of town. He's a doctor, he'll take care of you. I promise." I won't let you die, He thought.

"That's sweet of you..." Krystal muttered, hearing Micheal's thoughts. Then another thought pushed its way into her head.

I failed...? Against an imitation...? Impossible...! But yet... It's happened...

It faded away as soon as it came, but Krystal knew who it was from. "Micheal, she's not..."

Micheal nodded. "I know, I heard it too. You projected it to me from her, I think."

Krystal looked at her bloodied hands, wet from her own blood and that of Kursed. Then she coughed up some more blood and passed out.

Micheal looked at her for a second. "Dammit! Don't you die on me!" He yelled, and floored the gas pedal. He shot past car after car, nearly hitting several on the way. He took a sharp right and almost hit a building, but managed to regain control. He saw his friend's building come up and he slammed on the brakes, nearly snapping his seat belt. He got out of the car quickly and ran inside as fast as he could with his broken ankle. The place was musty and looked slightly run down, with only a few light bulbs to light up the place. "Nick!" He yelled. "Nick, c'mon, where are you?"

A man wearing a white smock and a pair of glasses while smoking a cigarette walked down a set of stairs. "Micheal, you must learn not to yell at me, you know." He said in a refined tone of voice. Micheal shook his head.

"No time for formalities, I have a friend that's in critical condition." He looked outside at his car. "But she's not something you've ever seen before, I bet..."

Nick smiled. "She can't be all that different. Go bring her here." He said, obviously unaware of who Krystal was. Micheal nodded and walked outside wordlessly. He went to his car and unbuckled Krystal, then lugged her over his shoulder back to Nick. Nick's cigarette fell out of his mouth. "What IS she?" He said, fascinated.

Micheal grabbed Nick's head and turned it to face him. "I'll tell you AFTER you save her." He said in a low tone of voice.

Nick gulped and nodded. Micheal gently handed Krystal to him. "Then go do your thing." Nick ran upstairs and shut the door, indicating that he was working on her. Micheal sighed, sat on an overstuffed chair, and waited.

------------------------------------------

"She WHAT?!" James yelled, making Leonard and Wolfgang cower.

"She failed, sir." Leonard said in a low tone of voice. "Her wounds are great as well. She's lucky to still be alive."

James yelled and slammed his fist against the wall. "Imbeciles! You said she was the perfect copy!"

"She is in the simulations, sir!" Wolfgang said. "But something makes her weak..."

James growled. "You find out what that is and fix her, is that understood?" He said darkly to the two scientist brothers.

Leonard and Wolfgang both looked at each other and gulped. "Y-yes sir!" They both said, and ran off.