Random Story Generator

[LordOfDarkness]

It all started when our (former movie) star, LoD, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly puzzled, LoD stroked a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved hand pistols were missing! Immediately he called his favourite Mormon, Meg. LoD had known Meg for 153 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Meg was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little...maniacal. LoD called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Meg reached up with a very mad LoD. Meg calmly assured him that most venomous koalas belch before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually wildly yawn after mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting LoD. Why was Meg trying to distract LoD? Because she had snuck out from LoD's place with the hand pistols only ten days prior. They were curious little hand pistols... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before LoD got back to the subject at hand: his hand pistols. Meg cringed. Reluctantly, Meg invited him over, assuring him they'd find the hand pistols. LoD grabbed his rhinoceros and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Meg realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the hand pistols and she had to do it skilfully. She figured that if LoD took the amphibious vehicle, she had take at least ten minutes before LoD would get there. But if he took the Flying banana shaped banana, then Meg would be exceedingly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Meg was interrupted by two abrasive Yogi Bears that were lured by her hand pistols. Meg sighed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she deftly reached for her banana and aptly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginary desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Flying banana shaped banana rolling up. It was LoD.

---------------

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, LoD was out of the Flying banana shaped banana and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Meg's front door. Meanwhile inside, Meg was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the hand pistols into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her time machine. Meg was frustrated but at least the hand pistols were concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Meg explosively purred. With a deft push, LoD opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive rationality-deprived retard in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Meg assured him. LoD took a seat mysteriously distant from where Meg had hidden the hand pistols. Meg turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But LoD was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Meg noticed an annoying look on LoD's face. LoD slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Meg felt a stabbing pain in her prostate when LoD asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the hand pistols right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on LoD's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. LoD nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Meg could react, LoD aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The hand pistols were plainly in view.

LoD stared at Meg for what what must've been eleven seconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Meg groped earnestly in LoD's direction, clearly desperate. LoD grabbed the hand pistols and bolted for the door. It was locked. Meg let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of those things, none of this would have happened, LoD,' she rebuked. Meg always had been a little pestering, so LoD knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Meg did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Giggling like a schoolgirl, he gripped his hand pistols tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Meg looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from LoD. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for LoD. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Meg walked over to the window and looked down. LoD was gone.

------------

Just yonder, LoD was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Meg's place. LoD had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Yogi Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the hand pistols. One by one they latched onto LoD. Already weakened from his injury, LoD yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Yogi Bears running off with his hand pistols.

But then God came down with His smart smile and restored LoD's hand pistols. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Yogi Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His home-made car and sputtered away with the fortitude of one million South American hissing sloths running from a huge pack of albino cats. LoD danced with joy when he saw this. His hand pistols were safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes his favourite TV show, iCarly, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet hand grenade'). LoD was elated. And so, everyone except Meg and weapons of mass destruction-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

Try it yourself...

http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

 

[Meg]

I'm not a mormon! XD

Annnnd I certainly don't have a prostate. I am a girl after all.

Other than that! BRILLIANT! *applauds*

 

[Vergil'sBitch]

I hope you don't ming me posting mine LoD...?

It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Nite, woke up in a bush. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling barely relieved, Nite poked a gerbil, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, she realized that her beloved Amulet was missing! Immediately she called her lover, Vergil. Nite had known Vergil for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were curious ones. Vergil was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... annoying. Nite called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Vergil picked up to a very happy Nite. Vergil calmly assured her that most long-haired sea monkeys sneeze before mating, yet legless puppies usually wildly sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Nite. Why was Vergil trying to distract Nite? Because he had snuck out from Nite's with the Amulet only three days prior. It was a electric little Amulet... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Nite got back to the subject at hand: her Amulet. Vergil yawned. Relunctantly, Vergil invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Amulet. Nite grabbed her giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Vergil realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Amulet and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Nite took the gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV, he had take at least eight minutes before Nite would get there. But if she took the Motorbike? Then Vergil would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Vergil was interrupted by five dimwitted Tigers that were lured by his Amulet. Vergil belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he carefully reached for his ripened avocado and carefully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Motorbike rolling up. It was Nite.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so she knew she was running late. With a heroic leap, Nite was out of the Motorbike and went sassily jaunting toward Vergil's front door. Meanwhile inside, Vergil was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Amulet into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Vergil was concerned but at least the Amulet was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Vergil earnestly purred. With a calculated push, Nite opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted noble genius in a spaceship,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Vergil assured her. Nite took a seat not remotely close to where Vergil had hidden the Amulet. Vergil panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Nite was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Vergil noticed a abrasive look on Nite's face. Nite slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Vergil felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Nite asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Amulet right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Nite's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Nite nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Vergil could react, Nite fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Amulet was plainly in view.

Nite stared at Vergil for what what must've been four nanoseconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Vergil groped wildly in Nite's direction, clearly desperate. Nite grabbed the Amulet and bolted for the door. It was locked. Vergil let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Nite,' he rebuked. Vergil always had been a little clueless, so Nite knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Vergil did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Absolutely thrilled, she gripped her Amulet tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Vergil looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Nite. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Nite. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Vergil walked over to the window and looked down. Nite was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Nite was struggling to make her way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Vergil's place. Nite had severely hurt her kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Tigers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Amulet. One by one they latched on to Nite. Already weakened from her injury, Nite yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Tigers running off with her Amulet.

But then God came down with His outgoing smile and restored Nite's Amulet. Feeling pleased, God smote the Tigers for their injustice. Then He got in His wannabe go-fast Civic and sped away with the fortitude of 153 man-eating capybaras running from a teensy pack of venomous koalas. Nite fell with joy when she saw this. Her Amulet was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes her favorite TV show, Glee, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet rusty razor blade'). Nite was excited. And so, everyone except Vergil and a few unborn fetus-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.

Weird...
I know...

 

[Ronan]

Couldn't resist. Here's mine :lol:

It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Alistair, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling really puzzled, Alistair stroked a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved potato was missing! Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Silias. Alistair had known Silias for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Silias was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Alistair called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Silias picked up to a very unhappy Alistair. Silias calmly assured him that most albino cats grimace before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually indiscriminately yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Alistair. Why was Silias trying to distract Alistair? Because he had snuck out from Alistair's with the potato only five days prior. It was a enchanting little potato... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Alistair got back to the subject at hand: his potato. Silias yawned. Relunctantly, Silias invited him over, assuring him they'd find the potato. Alistair grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Silias realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the potato and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Alistair took the noise-polluting import, he had take at least eight minutes before Alistair would get there. But if he took the magical kumquat? Then Silias would be abnormally screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Silias was interrupted by four funny-smelling iguanas that were lured by his potato. Silias yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he carefully reached for his banana and deftly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the magical kumquat rolling up. It was Alistair.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Alistair was out of the magical kumquat and went earnestly jaunting toward Silias's front door. Meanwhile inside, Silias was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the potato into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his time machine. Silias was displeased but at least the potato was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Silias flamboyantly purred. With a skillful push, Alistair opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive flaming idiot in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Silias assured him. Alistair took a seat just perfectly far from where Silias had hidden the potato. Silias belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Alistair was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Silias noticed a annoying look on Alistair's face. Alistair slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Silias felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when Alistair asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the potato right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Alistair's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Alistair nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Silias could react, Alistair aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The potato was plainly in view.

Alistair stared at Silias for what what must've been three days. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Silias groped explosively in Alistair's direction, clearly desperate. Alistair grabbed the potato and bolted for the door. It was locked. Silias let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Alistair,' he rebuked. Silias always had been a little pestering, so Alistair knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Silias did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he gripped his potato tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Silias looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Alistair. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Alistair. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Silias walked over to the window and looked down. Alistair was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Alistair was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Silias's place. Alistair had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral iguanas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the potato. One by one they latched on to Alistair. Already weakened from his injury, Alistair yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of iguanas running off with his potato.

About three hours later, Alistair awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and Alistair did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious haunted thicket, Alistair was excessively lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his potato was taken by the iguanas. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen iguana emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha iguana. Alistair opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the iguana sunk its teeth into Alistair's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Alistair's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than ten miles away, Silias was entombed by anguish over the loss of the potato. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Alistair... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the potato that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant iguanas, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end

 

[Esura]

Good find LoD, good find!
+rep

Here is my story, which I'm going to spoiler so it doesn't clutter the thread.

Spoiler

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Esura, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling very puzzled, Esura poked a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, he realized that his beloved Masamune was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, LordOfDarkness. Esura had known LordOfDarkness for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. LordOfDarkness was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... stupid. Esura called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

LordOfDarkness picked up to a very glad Esura. LordOfDarkness calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras cringe before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually scandalously cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Esura. Why was LordOfDarkness trying to distract Esura? Because he had snuck out from Esura's with the Masamune only five days prior. It was a eccentric little Masamune... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Esura got back to the subject at hand: his Masamune. LordOfDarkness shuddered. Relunctantly, LordOfDarkness invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Masamune. Esura grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, LordOfDarkness realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Masamune and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Esura took the wannabe go-fast Civic, he had take at least eleven minutes before Esura would get there. But if he took the Triple Threat? Then LordOfDarkness would be exceedingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, LordOfDarkness was interrupted by two dimwitted Servbots that were lured by his Masamune. LordOfDarkness sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he carefully reached for his ripened avocado and aggressively stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Triple Threat rolling up. It was Esura.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Esura was out of the Triple Threat and went exotically jaunting toward LordOfDarkness's front door. Meanwhile inside, LordOfDarkness was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Masamune into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his canoe. LordOfDarkness was angered but at least the Masamune was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' LordOfDarkness exotically purred. With a calculated push, Esura opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted coke fiend in a Jap Trap,' he lied. 'It's fine,' LordOfDarkness assured him. Esura took a seat conveniently far from where LordOfDarkness had hidden the Masamune. LordOfDarkness sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Esura was distracted. As if it really mattered LordOfDarkness noticed a clueless look on Esura's face. Esura slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

LordOfDarkness felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Esura asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Masamune right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Esura's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Esura nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before LordOfDarkness could react, Esura aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Masamune was plainly in view.

Esura stared at LordOfDarkness for what what must've been four minutes. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, LordOfDarkness groped charismatically in Esura's direction, clearly desperate. Esura grabbed the Masamune and bolted for the door. It was locked. LordOfDarkness let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Esura,' he rebuked. LordOfDarkness always had been a little stupid, so Esura knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before LordOfDarkness did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his Masamune tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

LordOfDarkness looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Esura. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Esura. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. LordOfDarkness walked over to the window and looked down. Esura was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Esura was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind LordOfDarkness's place. Esura had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Servbots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Masamune. One by one they latched on to Esura. Already weakened from his injury, Esura yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Servbots running off with his Masamune.

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Esura's Masamune. Feeling frustrated, God smote the Servbots for their injustice. Then He got in His gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV and bolted away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion albino cats running from a little pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Esura stumbled with joy when he saw this. His Masamune was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Dancing With The Stars, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet contraceptive'). Esura was ecstatic. And so, everyone except LordOfDarkness and a few hand grenade-toting Indonesian devil cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

EDIT: WTF Dancing with the Stars is NOT my favorite TV show. I hate that show. The random story thingy effed up.

 

[BlueDevil]

Mine

Spoiler

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Tyler, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously frustrated, Tyler punched a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Wedding Ring was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Isabel. Tyler had known Isabel for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Isabel was unique. She was ingenious though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Tyler called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Isabel picked up to a very mad Tyler. Isabel calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks shudder before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Tyler. Why was Isabel trying to distract Tyler? Because she had snuck out from Tyler's with the Wedding Ring only nine days prior. It was a exotic little Wedding Ring... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Tyler got back to the subject at hand: his Wedding Ring. Isabel shuddered. Relunctantly, Isabel invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Wedding Ring. Tyler grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Isabel realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Wedding Ring and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Tyler took the tricycle, she had take at least eight minutes before Tyler would get there. But if he took the Coolmobile? Then Isabel would be abundantly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Isabel was interrupted by ten stupid Penguins that were lured by her Wedding Ring. Isabel belched; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she recklessly reached for her dull pencil and skillfully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Coolmobile rolling up. It was Tyler.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, Tyler was out of the Coolmobile and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Isabel's front door. Meanwhile inside, Isabel was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Wedding Ring into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her rhinocerus. Isabel was pleased but at least the Wedding Ring was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Isabel exotically purred. With a hasty push, Tyler opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid spite-toting jerk in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Isabel assured him. Tyler took a seat uncomfortably close to where Isabel had hidden the Wedding Ring. Isabel panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Tyler was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Isabel noticed a funny-smelling look on Tyler's face. Tyler slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Isabel felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Tyler asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Wedding Ring right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Tyler's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tyler nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Isabel could react, Tyler skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Wedding Ring was plainly in view.

Tyler stared at Isabel for what what must've been three millseconds. Giggling like schoolgirl, Isabel groped sassily in Tyler's direction, clearly desperate. Tyler grabbed the Wedding Ring and bolted for the door. It was locked. Isabel let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tyler,' she rebuked. Isabel always had been a little oafish, so Tyler knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Isabel did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his Wedding Ring tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Isabel looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tyler. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Tyler. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Isabel walked over to the window and looked down. Tyler was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Tyler was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Isabel's place. Tyler had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Penguins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Wedding Ring. One by one they latched on to Tyler. Already weakened from his injury, Tyler yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Penguins running off with his Wedding Ring.

About eight hours later, Tyler awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and Tyler did not know where he was. Deep in the broad fanstic pumpkin patch, Tyler was really lost. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he remembered that his Wedding Ring was taken by the Penguins. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Penguin emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha Penguin. Tyler opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Penguin sunk its teeth into Tyler's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Tyler's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than two miles away, Isabel was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Wedding Ring. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a careful thrust, she buried it deeply into her double chin. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Tyler... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Wedding Ring that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Penguins, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

 

[darkslayer13]

i had nothing better to do so here's mine:

It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, bob, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling excessively puzzled, bob stroked a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he realized that his beloved hat was missing! Immediately he called his vicariously jealous friend, billy-bob. bob had known billy-bob for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. billy-bob was unique. She was outgoing though sometimes a little... dimwitted. bob called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
billy-bob picked up to a very mad bob. billy-bob calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters sigh before mating, yet albino cats usually wildly yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting bob. Why was billy-bob trying to distract bob? Because she had snuck out from bob's with the hat only eight days prior. It was a saucy little hat... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before bob got back to the subject at hand: his hat. billy-bob yawned. Relunctantly, billy-bob invited him over, assuring him they'd find the hat. bob grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, billy-bob realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the hat and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if bob took the Jap Trap, she had take at least ten minutes before bob would get there. But if he took the first wheel? Then billy-bob would be ridiculously screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, billy-bob was interrupted by six dimwitted aardvarks that were lured by her hat. billy-bob cringed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling displeased, she recklessly reached for her dull pencil and carefully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the first wheel rolling up. It was bob.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, bob was out of the first wheel and went sassily jaunting toward billy-bob's front door. Meanwhile inside, billy-bob was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the hat into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her canoe. billy-bob was exasperated but at least the hat was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' billy-bob flamboyantly purred. With a heroic push, bob opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying coke fiend in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' billy-bob assured him. bob took a seat tragically close to where billy-bob had hidden the hat. billy-bob panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But bob was distracted. As if it really mattered billy-bob noticed a dimwitted look on bob's face. bob slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
billy-bob felt a stabbing pain in her kidney when bob asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the hat right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on bob's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. bob nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before billy-bob could react, bob aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The hat was plainly in view.
bob stared at billy-bob for what what must've been three seconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, billy-bob groped indiscriminately in bob's direction, clearly desperate. bob grabbed the hat and bolted for the door. It was locked. billy-bob let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, bob,' she rebuked. billy-bob always had been a little dimwitted, so bob knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before billy-bob did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at her or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his hat tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
billy-bob looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from bob. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for bob. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. billy-bob walked over to the window and looked down. bob was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, bob was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind billy-bob's place. bob had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral aardvarks suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the hat. One by one they latched on to bob. Already weakened from his injury, bob yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of aardvarks running off with his hat.
About ten hours later, bob awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and bob did not know where he was. Deep in the humid swamp, bob was very lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his hat was taken by the aardvarks. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little aardvark emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha aardvark. bob opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the aardvark sunk its teeth into bob's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from bob's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than two miles away, billy-bob was entombed by anguish over the loss of the hat. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened potato. With a calculated thrust, she buried it deeply into her taint. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about bob... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the hat that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant aardvarks, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

 

[Mr Anderson]

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Mr. Anderson, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally stunned, Mr. Anderson stroked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unfulfilled decades later, he realized that his beloved Mountain Dew was missing! Immediately he called his annoying neighbor, creeper dude. Mr. Anderson had known creeper dude for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were saucy ones. creeper dude was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Mr. Anderson called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
creeper dude picked up to a very calm Mr. Anderson. creeper dude calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats yawn before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually exotically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Mr. Anderson. Why was creeper dude trying to distract Mr. Anderson? Because he had snuck out from Mr. Anderson's with the Mountain Dew only nine days prior. It was a flamboyant little Mountain Dew... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Mr. Anderson got back to the subject at hand: his Mountain Dew. creeper dude turned red. Relunctantly, creeper dude invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Mountain Dew. Mr. Anderson grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, creeper dude realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Mountain Dew and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Mr. Anderson took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, he had take at least three minutes before Mr. Anderson would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then creeper dude would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, creeper dude was interrupted by five annoying Pillow Pets that were lured by his Mountain Dew. creeper dude turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he thoughtfully reached for his ripened avocado and aimlessly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the time machine rolling up. It was Mr. Anderson.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Mr. Anderson was out of the time machine and went wildly jaunting toward creeper dude's front door. Meanwhile inside, creeper dude was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Mountain Dew into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. creeper dude was displeased but at least the Mountain Dew was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' creeper dude sassily purred. With a heroic push, Mr. Anderson opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish noble genius in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' creeper dude assured him. Mr. Anderson took a seat tragically close to where creeper dude had hidden the Mountain Dew. creeper dude grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Mr. Anderson was distracted. Just as zero people expected creeper dude noticed a insensitive look on Mr. Anderson's face. Mr. Anderson slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
creeper dude felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Mr. Anderson asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Mountain Dew right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Mr. Anderson's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Mr. Anderson nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before creeper dude could react, Mr. Anderson aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Mountain Dew was plainly in view.
Mr. Anderson stared at creeper dude for what what must've been seven days. As if it really mattered creeper dude groped sassily in Mr. Anderson's direction, clearly desperate. Mr. Anderson grabbed the Mountain Dew and bolted for the door. It was locked. creeper dude let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mr. Anderson,' he rebuked. creeper dude always had been a little dimwitted, so Mr. Anderson knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before creeper dude did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his Mountain Dew tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
creeper dude looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mr. Anderson. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Mr. Anderson. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. creeper dude walked over to the window and looked down. Mr. Anderson was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Mr. Anderson was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind creeper dude's place. Mr. Anderson had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Pillow Pets suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Mountain Dew. One by one they latched on to Mr. Anderson. Already weakened from his injury, Mr. Anderson yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Pillow Pets running off with his Mountain Dew.
About nine hours later, Mr. Anderson awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and Mr. Anderson did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely disease-infested jungle, Mr. Anderson was alarmingly lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his Mountain Dew was taken by the Pillow Pets. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Pillow Pet emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha Pillow Pet. Mr. Anderson opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Pillow Pet sunk its teeth into Mr. Anderson's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Mr. Anderson's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than nine miles away, creeper dude was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Mountain Dew. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Mr. Anderson... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Mountain Dew that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Pillow Pets, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

 

[Dante's Stalker]

XDDDDDDDDD
OMG!
This is the best EVER! Ha ha ha!

 

[Osaka]

It all started when our over-heralded star, Osaka, woke up in a bush. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly exasperated, Osaka punched a live hand grenade, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she realized that her beloved salami was missing! Immediately she called her vicariously jealous friend, Shuichi. Osaka had known Shuichi for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were curious ones. Shuichi was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Osaka called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Shuichi picked up to a very happy Osaka. Shuichi calmly assured her that most spotted wolf hamsters shudder before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually flamboyantly panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Osaka. Why was Shuichi trying to distract Osaka? Because he had snuck out from Osaka's with the salami only five days prior. It was a eccentric little salami... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Osaka got back to the subject at hand: her salami. Shuichi panicked. Relunctantly, Shuichi invited her over, assuring her they'd find the salami. Osaka grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Shuichi realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the salami and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Osaka took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, he had take at least eight minutes before Osaka would get there. But if she took the millenium falcon? Then Shuichi would be excessively screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Shuichi was interrupted by ten pestering Care Bears that were lured by his salami. Shuichi sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he aptly reached for his carrot and carefully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the millenium falcon rolling up. It was Osaka.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so she knew she was running late. With a calculated leap, Osaka was out of the millenium falcon and went charismatically jaunting toward Shuichi's front door. Meanwhile inside, Shuichi was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the salami into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind his elephant. Shuichi was concerned but at least the salami was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Shuichi wildly purred. With a deft push, Osaka opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless flaming idiot in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Shuichi assured her. Osaka took a seat conveniently far from where Shuichi had hidden the salami. Shuichi shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Osaka was distracted. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Shuichi noticed a insensitive look on Osaka's face. Osaka slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Shuichi felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Osaka asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the salami right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Osaka's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Osaka nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Shuichi could react, Osaka thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The salami was plainly in view.

Osaka stared at Shuichi for what what must've been nine seconds. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Shuichi groped flamboyantly in Osaka's direction, clearly desperate. Osaka grabbed the salami and bolted for the door. It was locked. Shuichi let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Osaka,' he rebuked. Shuichi always had been a little abrasive, so Osaka knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Shuichi did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, she gripped her salami tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Shuichi looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Osaka. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Osaka. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Shuichi walked over to the window and looked down. Osaka was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Osaka was struggling to make her way through the imaginery desert behind Shuichi's place. Osaka had severely hurt her armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the salami. One by one they latched on to Osaka. Already weakened from her injury, Osaka yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with her salami.

About four hours later, Osaka awoke, her ear throbbing. It was dark and Osaka did not know where she was. Deep in the lonely secret vineyard, Osaka was excessively lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, she remembered that her salami was taken by the Care Bears. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a huge Care Bear emerged from the bush. It was the alpha Care Bear. Osaka opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into Osaka's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Osaka's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than ten miles away, Shuichi was entombed by anguish over the loss of the salami. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Osaka... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the salami that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

 

[Dante's Stalker]

My turn!!! ^_^ (Noticed just about everyone put themselves as the 'hero' in the story...lol)

It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Angelo Credo, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling really angered, Angelo Credo attacked a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved Beer was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Dark Drakan. Angelo Credo had known Dark Drakan for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Dark Drakan was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... pestering. Angelo Credo called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Dark Drakan picked up to a very mad Angelo Credo. Dark Drakan calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies sigh before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually charismatically panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Angelo Credo. Why was Dark Drakan trying to distract Angelo Credo? Because he had snuck out from Angelo Credo's with the Beer only two days prior. It was a enticing little Beer... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Angelo Credo got back to the subject at hand: his Beer. Dark Drakan panicked. Relunctantly, Dark Drakan invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Beer. Angelo Credo grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Dark Drakan realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Beer and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Angelo Credo took the spaceship, he had take at least five minutes before Angelo Credo would get there. But if he took the Camel? Then Dark Drakan would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Dark Drakan was interrupted by six funny-smelling Ostrichs that were lured by his Beer. Dark Drakan sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he aptly reached for his live hand grenade and randomly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Camel rolling up. It was Angelo Credo.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Angelo Credo was out of the Camel and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Dark Drakan's front door. Meanwhile inside, Dark Drakan was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Beer into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Dark Drakan was worried but at least the Beer was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Dark Drakan scandalously purred. With a skillful push, Angelo Credo opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering rationality-deprived retard in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Dark Drakan assured him. Angelo Credo took a seat RIGHT next to where Dark Drakan had hidden the Beer. Dark Drakan sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Angelo Credo was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Dark Drakan noticed a oafish look on Angelo Credo's face. Angelo Credo slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'
Dark Drakan felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Angelo Credo asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Beer right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Angelo Credo's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Angelo Credo nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Dark Drakan could react, Angelo Credo randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Beer was plainly in view.

Angelo Credo stared at Dark Drakan for what what must've been eleven minutes. Ever so extemperaneously, Dark Drakan groped earnestly in Angelo Credo's direction, clearly desperate. Angelo Credo grabbed the Beer and bolted for the door. It was locked. Dark Drakan let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Angelo Credo,' he rebuked. Dark Drakan always had been a little annoying, so Angelo Credo knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Dark Drakan did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his Beer tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Dark Drakan looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Angelo Credo. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Angelo Credo. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Dark Drakan walked over to the window and looked down. Angelo Credo was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Angelo Credo was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Dark Drakan's place. Angelo Credo had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Ostrichs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Beer. One by one they latched on to Angelo Credo. Already weakened from his injury, Angelo Credo yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Ostrichs running off with his Beer.

But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Angelo Credo's Beer. Feeling angered, God smote the Ostrichs for their injustice. Then He got in His magic flying carpet and zipped away with the fortitude of 153 Indonesian devil cats running from a shrunken pack of legless puppies. Angelo Credo fell with joy when he saw this. His Beer was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet pipe bomb'). Angelo Credo was pleased. And so, everyone except Dark Drakan and a few contraceptive-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

-edit-
Gah! I apologise for the innuendo, I selected male for both so I dunno... maybe Derek is, y'know, like Dani's Derek? o_o

 

[Daring Dylan]

^ And speaking of Derek, I saw Blondie and I were mentioned so I had to do it =D

It all started when our uber geek, Daryl, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously pleased, Daryl grabbed a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved sketchbook was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Derek. Daryl had known Derek for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Derek was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... abrasive. Daryl called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Derek picked up to a very nervous Daryl. Derek calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats yawn before mating, yet albino cats usually earnestly yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Daryl. Why was Derek trying to distract Daryl? Because he had snuck out from Daryl's with the sketchbook only five days prior. It was a sassy little sketchbook... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Daryl got back to the subject at hand: his sketchbook. Derek turned red. Relunctantly, Derek invited him over, assuring him they'd find the sketchbook. Daryl grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Derek realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the sketchbook and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Daryl took the rice rocket, he had take at least seven minutes before Daryl would get there. But if he took the Honda Accord? Then Derek would be very screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Derek was interrupted by two oafish foxes that were lured by his sketchbook. Derek panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he thoughtfully reached for his potato and aptly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Honda Accord rolling up. It was Daryl.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Daryl was out of the Honda Accord and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Derek's front door. Meanwhile inside, Derek was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the sketchbook into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his elephant. Derek was angered but at least the sketchbook was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Derek flamboyantly purred. With a quick push, Daryl opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering social outcast in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Derek assured him. Daryl took a seat just perfectly far from where Derek had hidden the sketchbook. Derek yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Daryl was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Derek noticed a abrasive look on Daryl's face. Daryl slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Derek felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when Daryl asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the sketchbook right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Daryl's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Daryl nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Derek could react, Daryl recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The sketchbook was plainly in view.

Daryl stared at Derek for what what must've been seven minutes. A few freaknasty minutes later, Derek groped surreptitiously in Daryl's direction, clearly desperate. Daryl grabbed the sketchbook and bolted for the door. It was locked. Derek let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Daryl,' he rebuked. Derek always had been a little annoying, so Daryl knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Derek did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his sketchbook tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Derek looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Daryl. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Daryl. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Derek walked over to the window and looked down. Daryl was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Daryl was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Derek's place. Daryl had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral foxes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the sketchbook. One by one they latched on to Daryl. Already weakened from his injury, Daryl yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of foxes running off with his sketchbook.

About two hours later, Daryl awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Daryl did not know where he was. Deep in the humid foxy forest, Daryl was scarcely lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his sketchbook was taken by the foxes. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy foxe emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha foxe. Daryl opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the foxe sunk its teeth into Daryl's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Daryl's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than ten miles away, Derek was entombed by anguish over the loss of the sketchbook. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Daryl... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the sketchbook that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant foxes, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

They've actually known each other for 14 years. Eh, 11,000 is close enough.

 

[Subject 64432B]

It all started when our uber geek, Subject 64432B, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling very exasperated, Subject 64432B deflowered a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his former cellmate, Dante. Subject 64432B had known Dante for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Dante was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... selfish. Subject 64432B called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Dante picked up to a very calm Subject 64432B. Dante calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys yawn before mating, yet legless puppies usually charismatically sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Subject 64432B. Why was Dante trying to distract Subject 64432B? Because he had snuck out from Subject 64432B's with the diary only nine days prior. It was a eccentric little diary... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Subject 64432B got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Dante belched. Relunctantly, Dante invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Subject 64432B grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Dante realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the diary and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Subject 64432B took the homemade car, he had take at least nine minutes before Subject 64432B would get there. But if he took the Yugo 45? Then Dante would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Dante was interrupted by four abrasive Giant bats that were lured by his diary. Dante yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he aggressively reached for his ninja star and thoughtfully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Yugo 45 rolling up. It was Subject 64432B.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Subject 64432B was out of the Yugo 45 and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Dante's front door. Meanwhile inside, Dante was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the diary into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his hammock. Dante was frustrated but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Dante sassily purred. With a hasty push, Subject 64432B opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish zealous...zealot in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Dante assured him. Subject 64432B took a seat frighteningly close to where Dante had hidden the diary. Dante turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Subject 64432B was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Dante noticed a clueless look on Subject 64432B's face. Subject 64432B slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Dante felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Subject 64432B asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Subject 64432B's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Subject 64432B nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Dante could react, Subject 64432B skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

Subject 64432B stared at Dante for what what must've been nine seconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Dante groped exotically in Subject 64432B's direction, clearly desperate. Subject 64432B grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Dante let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Subject 64432B,' he rebuked. Dante always had been a little dimwitted, so Subject 64432B knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Dante did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Dante looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Subject 64432B. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Subject 64432B. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Dante walked over to the window and looked down. Subject 64432B was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Subject 64432B was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Dante's place. Subject 64432B had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Giant bats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Subject 64432B. Already weakened from his injury, Subject 64432B yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Giant bats running off with his diary.

About six hours later, Subject 64432B awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Subject 64432B did not know where he was. Deep in the arid bush, Subject 64432B was scarcely lost. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he remembered that his diary was taken by the Giant bats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen Giant bat emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha Giant bat. Subject 64432B opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Giant bat sunk its teeth into Subject 64432B's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Subject 64432B's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than five miles away, Dante was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his kidney. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Subject 64432B... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Giant bats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

 

[Blitz]

It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Danzye, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling abnormally puzzled, Danzye punched a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved Snow action figure was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, DT. Danzye had known DT for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. DT was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... stupid. Danzye called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

DT picked up to a very calm Danzye. DT calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters yawn before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually exotically belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Danzye. Why was DT trying to distract Danzye? Because he had snuck out from Danzye's with the Snow action figure only ten days prior. It was a curious little Snow action figure... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Danzye got back to the subject at hand: his Snow action figure. DT yawned. Relunctantly, DT invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Snow action figure. Danzye grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, DT realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Snow action figure and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Danzye took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least five minutes before Danzye would get there. But if he took the limbless puppy? Then DT would be abnormally screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, DT was interrupted by five funny-smelling demented goblinss that were lured by his Snow action figure. DT sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he aptly reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and deftly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the limbless puppy rolling up. It was Danzye.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Danzye was out of the limbless puppy and went sassily jaunting toward DT's front door. Meanwhile inside, DT was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Snow action figure into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his canoe. DT was displeased but at least the Snow action figure was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' DT earnestly purred. With a mighty push, Danzye opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering flaming idiot in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' DT assured him. Danzye took a seat excruciatingly close to where DT had hidden the Snow action figure. DT panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Danzye was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, DT noticed a stupid look on Danzye's face. Danzye slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

DT felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Danzye asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Snow action figure right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Danzye's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Danzye nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before DT could react, Danzye aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Snow action figure was plainly in view.

Danzye stared at DT for what what must've been eight nanoseconds. Giggling like schoolgirl, DT groped earnestly in Danzye's direction, clearly desperate. Danzye grabbed the Snow action figure and bolted for the door. It was locked. DT let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Danzye,' he rebuked. DT always had been a little abrasive, so Danzye knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before DT did something crazy, like... start chucking atomic bombs at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his Snow action figure tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

DT looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Danzye. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Danzye. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. DT walked over to the window and looked down. Danzye was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Danzye was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind DT's place. Danzye had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral demented goblinss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Snow action figure. One by one they latched on to Danzye. Already weakened from his injury, Danzye yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of demented goblinss running off with his Snow action figure.

But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Danzye's Snow action figure. Feeling exasperated, God smote the demented goblinss for their injustice. Then He got in His tricycle and whizzed away with the fortitude of 20 Indonesian devil cats running from a enlarged pack of Indonesian devil cats. Danzye tripped with joy when he saw this. His Snow action figure was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, LoD saves the world!, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet ebola'). Danzye was overjoyed. And so, everyone except DT and a few gun-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.