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LordOfDarkness

The Dark Avenger © †
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Well it must of just been another one of those long hard days you have had at work, the kind of one that requires and asks of you to just sit down and relax and to put your feet up once you've finally made your way back to your apartment or wherever you so happen to live.​
So typically this is what I did, just that. But to no end the occuring repetition of my child asking me to do such various favours before bedtime was inevitable. Of course, my loveable little Susan, my daughter was asking me to read her a bedtime story just simply because "Mummy always reads me one before I go to sleep", either that or "I just can't sleep without having one read to me". Ah well it's in my nature to please my family in however manner I should have to, it's not a chore nor a commitment, not even an obligation. These things are done purely out of love.​
And then there was Jake, who was well, much older than my daughter put it that way. 14 years of age, and his homework has somehow become my homework. "I'm just no good at sums dad. I can't get my head around algebra", I mean seriously they seem to be making homework a lot harder these days than how I use to remember it being at school. Perhaps I'm so out of touch with the modern world nowadays?​
Change, I'm obliged to accept change, I know this much for a fact. I am obliged to willingly accept that the World changes around me near enough every day and there really isn't much that I can do to 'change' that inevitable fact.​
My wife gets back from working at the office. Luckily for me both my kids have been asleep for hours. I've been waiting up on her for some time now, looking at the clock "Gee, it's 2 in the bloody morning already, what have you been doing all this time?". "Well, there was a lot of work to mull over and of course my project which needs to be ready in the next few days" she tells me, plainly. Well I suppose I am meant to respect that, my wife has a lot of hard work and the strain of keeping her job and the interests of the Company usually always have to be number one priority when you are trying to run a successful business.​
"He still has you doing far too much overtime, you hardly see me or the kids any more. It seems to be me putting them to sleep every night now".​
"Jake is 14 years of age, he can put himself to sleep now. And Sue, well all she needs is a bedtime story read to her Simon, it's not exactly rocket science" she points out to me, which I hardly disagree to.​
Retreating back like a snail into its shell I pull back the bedsheets and climb into bed. "Hm, do you love me babe?" I wonder as she climbs into bed and lies by my side. "You know I do" is all she says, and then I know I am awake because my alarm clock is blaring and my eyes are waking up and telling the alarm clock to "**** off" as they stare towards it and my fist smacks it on its top to shut it up.​
Yeah, typically she is already off to work. I guess Nigel called her in early again or something along those lines. I can tell she is at work because the clothes she laid out to wear today are gone. Jake has taken Sue to school and then hopefully gone to school himself. Not recalling the last time him and his mates decided to bunk off, which as a police officer I reminded him was still an offence. And even myself as a parent can get a visit from the force, which would be pretty awkward considering my job role anyway.​
Nothing beats being off duty, until sometimes your on duty. Ah I live in a small town area, not much trouble ever happens around here. Which in a way is quite fortunate, even if it makes the days drag on slower and makes me feel even more knackered by the end of the day.​
Yes the weekend is two days of off dutiness for myself and some of my mates, so down the pub is in order I suppose because I have no idea as to when Karen will be back home and I have time to drown my sorrows until I have to get back to make tea for the kids who usually have whatever I can be bothered to cook or dial for over a telephone. Ah who cares though because kids love takeway food and all of that crap, that's something I can relate to in a way. The ease and the relief of the stress and tension of having to cook. And besides, it's a bloody weekend, who wants to cook anyway? "It's hardly nutritious is it?" Karen would normally state when she eventually gets home and sees pizza boxes lying around on the table and sometimes the sofa or armchair. Usually because Jake is upstairs playing the latest 'smash someone in the face' videogame and Susan is explaining to her dolly why getting a makeover is such a good idea.​
This is every day in my world. This is my world.​
"And this is precisely how you feel, Simon?" my mentor asks me, peering towards my direction with his spectacles dropping slightly down his nose.​
"Well yeah, this is a typical life right? This is what life is for me".​
"Yeah, I can't help but sense you want a bit more out of it though. This is what I am here to teach you Simon, about there being somewhat more to life than might meet the eye".​
My personal guru who reads all my thoughts that I usually have. Some friend of a friend that I met one day when I was leaving the gym that wanted me to make an appointment with him. Well, I just go with the flow. I mostly just get involved with things, I'm not afraid to be a little daring at times. My friend highly recommended that this man would relieve some tension out of my every day life and release some of my deep within inambitions. Yes, even as a guy I still have those.​
"Simon, are you listening closely to me?" he asks as I'm once again finding myself drifting off into space.​
"Uh yeah oh yeah, there is more to life, you see I was listening" I confirm, to ease his mind.​
"In life there are many doors, many windows, many safe havens to escape to when we have an open playing field. Do you have an escape to place? A safe haven? Try to think of one in your mind. Attempt to picture it, and hold onto that thought. These thoughts can be very strong, very powerful, magical even though that may sound somewhat bizzare. These thoughts can become more so, can become gateways to our safe havens, can open up different things for us these doors and windows I spoke of earlier can become windows for change and opportunity. Just sit back and relax to the sound of my voice and listen close to the words I am saying, Simon. Free your mind from the life you know of now at this present time. If you can do this for me. Can you do this for me?".​
Confident as ever I answer with one eye looking at him. "I'm relaxing".​
"Good. Now, let me take you to this place deep within your mind. Let me take you through a portal".​
 

Chaos Raiden

Avid Gamer & Reviewer
Grammar: 9/10
Originality: 10/10
Writing style: 8/10

Overall, a good effort on writing an original fiction work. I have some pros and cons that I would like to share:

Pros

Good originality - I felt that the story is full of originality, so no complaints there.
Theme usage - I will hazard a guess that the story's theme will be about life having many different paths, but I maybe wrong since this is possibly the first chapter.
Great grammar - Good grammar usage.

Cons

Lack of story description - I felt that this work lacks a story description. A story description usually enforces a brief idea on how your story will be to the readers. Since your work lacks the story description, readers will be misled or confused when reading it.
Format - The 'center' format for this work is not appropriate to me personally. I personally prefer the 'left' format and possibly by other readers. However, it is your work and thus I have no right to order you to do so.

Keep up the good work.
 

LordOfDarkness

The Dark Avenger © †
Moderator
Premium Elite
Premium
Supporter 2014
Xen-Omni 2020
Grammar: 9/10
Originality: 10/10
Writing style: 8/10

Overall, a good effort on writing an original fiction work. I have some pros and cons that I would like to share:

Pros

Good originality - I felt that the story is full of originality, so no complaints there.
Theme usage - I will hazard a guess that the story's theme will be about life having many different paths, but I maybe wrong since this is possibly the first chapter.
Great grammar - Good grammar usage.

Cons

Lack of story description - I felt that this work lacks a story description. A story description usually enforces a brief idea on how your story will be to the readers. Since your work lacks the story description, readers will be misled or confused when reading it.
Format - The 'center' format for this work is not appropriate to me personally. I personally prefer the 'left' format and possibly by other readers. However, it is your work and thus I have no right to order you to do so.

Keep up the good work.

Well that was a really nice comment which I highly respect. I mean seriously, thank you for taking the time to read through my first draft for this work and to comment on it in such a manner. You're completely right, there isn't much description to the story at this moment in time. For me at this moment right now this piece of work is a work in progress.

But no you are completely right, this story is based on the idea that life has many different paths and I'm glad you managed to work out the hopefuly distinct enough moral to my story.

I have taken on board your cons and I have decided to change the layout to the 'left' format and also I will be working on giving much more description to this beginning to the first chapter which will be entitled as "Change".

Hopefully my readers will enjoy this story that should encapsulate the idea that there is "more to life than meets the eye". I am indecisive as of yet as to how long this story will be. More than likely a short novel consisting of a few chapters at the least, which I hope gets the point across.

I am further glad that you praise my work as being an original piece. That in itself is something I am proud of, so thank you for that statement.
 

King Avallach

Deity of the Old World
I'm inclined to agree with many of the sentiments listed above about this piece. It is a solid piece of narrative writing. I'm looking forward to seeing the further developments both in terms of plot and character as the story progresses but the foundations have definitely been laid for a hugely entertaining piece of writing. Major kudos to you.
 

LordOfDarkness

The Dark Avenger © †
Moderator
Premium Elite
Premium
Supporter 2014
Xen-Omni 2020
Superbly a sight to behold, my mind has been almost taken away to another plain or dimension. I can only imagine that right I am involved in some form of astral projection. I honestly don't feel the weight of the world around me at this current pinpointed moment in 'if you can call it' time. In fact, I can't honestly say I feel any weight surrounding me whatsoever. It weirdly feels as if my mind has taken me to somewhere where I am completely free and in control of what's going on around me.

This is totally and completely beyond belief. It defines anything of my expectations of what to believe and what to percieve as real in my mortal form of existence. Just belonging at this moment makes me feel like something far more superior than just my mortal self, just because of what I have now achieved.

"Everwood Green, Simon. Your safe haven. Your mother use to take you here when you were a child, I am right in assuming?"...

"Yes, amazing, how did you know?" I'm dumbfounded, this man seems to know more about me than my friends at the pub do.

"Well, it's my profession, doing this for all these years", he informs me.

Everwood Green, the close by to home piece of greenery that I use to play within as a small child. A perfect place to pick as my safe haven. Peaceful, tranquil and natural to the touch. My inner child rushing to the surface as I remember all the trees I tried climbing as a child, near enough everyone I'd imagine.

"This is a lovely place Simon, I can see why you picked it. This makes for a brilliant place for a Portal to be established inside your mind. It works well, so use it well" the guru explains to me, instructively.

"Well yes, but what exactly do I really use this place for?" I mean I have to ask if I don't truly understand the overall purpose of this wonderous place for escapism.

"You have this unique ability Simon to escape within your own mind and travel towards a place that fulfills some of your inner needs. You need to examine your life and seek what you truly desire. And once you have found that purpose you should come here to chase upon it. Simply put, you can change your life here for the better" he says these words and they start to make me think that this place I can almost vanish to is somewhere in which I am the only true one in command of my goals.

He parts with a few words of wisdom, something for me to deeply think about over time. I take his message on board and sink back into my 'reality', whatever that has now come to be.

"Come on Simon, wake up already" Karen's yelling and prodding me until I do just that. And naturally I apologise for my absent minded slumber.
 

King Avallach

Deity of the Old World
Superbly a sight to behold, my mind has been almost taken away to another plain or dimension. I can only imagine that right I am involved in some form of astral projection. I honestly don't feel the weight of the world around me at this current pinpointed moment in 'if you can call it' time. In fact, I can't honestly say I feel any weight surrounding me whatsoever. It weirdly feels as if my mind has taken me to somewhere where I am completely free and in control of what's going on around me.

This is totally and completely beyond belief. It defines anything of my expectations of what to believe and what to percieve as real in my mortal form of existence. Just belonging at this moment makes me feel like something far more superior than just my mortal self, just because of what I have now achieved.

"Everwood Green, Simon. Your safe haven. Your mother use to take you here when you were a child, I am right in assuming?"...

"Yes, amazing, how did you know?" I'm dumbfounded, this man seems to know more about me than my friends at the pub do.

"Well, it's my profession, doing this for all these years", he informs me.

Everwood Green, the close by to home piece of greenery that I use to play within as a small child. A perfect place to pick as my safe haven. Peaceful, tranquil and natural to the touch. My inner child rushing to the surface as I remember all the trees I tried climbing as a child, near enough everyone I'd imagine.

"This is a lovely place Simon, I can see why you picked it. This makes for a brilliant place for a Portal to be established inside your mind. It works well, so use it well" the guru explains to me, instructively.

"Well yes, but what exactly do I really use this place for?" I mean I have to ask if I don't truly understand the overall purpose of this wonderous place for escapism.

"You have this unique ability Simon to escape within your own mind and travel towards a place that fulfills some of your inner needs. You need to examine your life and seek what you truly desire. And once you have found that purpose you should come here to chase upon it. Simply put, you can change your life here for the better" he says these words and they start to make me think that this place I can almost vanish to is somewhere in which I am the only true one in command of my goals.

He parts with a few words of wisdom, something for me to deeply think about over time. I take his message on board and sink back into my 'reality', whatever that has now come to be.

"Come on Simon, wake up already" Karen's yelling and prodding me until I do just that. And naturally I apologise for my absent minded slumber.

A decent continuation, I am thematically intrigued by this plot. A couple of parts seem to jar a bit, nothing too major but shouldn't 'defines' be 'defies' in the second paragraph or if it is a redefinition of reality, maybe 'redefines'. In relation to expectation though, I'd most often go with 'defies'. I'd also note in your last paragraph that "absent minded" seems to be a fairly redundant description in relation to slumber.

As ever, a pleasure to read, and all due respect to your efforts and capabilities as a writer. :)
 
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