Funny Short Stories Compilation

[LordOfDarkness]

Dante’s Dark Side

Some serious and funny moments.

Dante was watching TV at 1 in the morning with nothing but his shorts on, drooling at some hot chick in a movie.

"I'll probably just watch one more show, then hit the hay" Dante said to himself, but at that moment the phone rang.

"Hello, Devil May Cry; your friendly neighbourhood Dante speaking, how may I help?" Dante asked.

There was a short silence for a few seconds, as to which came Nero's cowardly voice.

"Ah, err, hey Dante. I'm kind of having some trouble getting to sleep. I think there's like this huge spider in my room, and he won't go away" Nero said.

"Well just squash it or something" Dante replied.

"Erm, it's not that easy. Here, I'll put him on" Nero said, handing Phantom the phone.

"Hello, who is this? Is this thing on? I WILL CRUSH YOU PUNY LITTLE MAN!!!!" Phantom bellowed down the phone.

"Phantom? Put Nero back on" Dante said, confused.

"Hey, so can I come over? Please? I'll be real good and everything" Nero asked.

"Ah, sure" Dante replied, as to which he hung up.

Taking some popcorn, Dante awaited the next show on TV. But a few moments into the show, and the phone rang again.

"Argh, what now? The phone has rung more times than it did when Vergil gave my number to a bunch of gays at a bar" Dante said, answering the phone to hear the voice of his beloved brother.

"Speaking of which" he said to himself.

"Hey bro, I need something from you. It's really urgent, and it can't wait" Vergil said hastily.

"Can't you just go to someone else for that?" Dante asked curiously.

"No, it's nothing like that. I just need to head over to see you for a few minutes, we need to discuss something important happening on Mallet Island" Vergil informed Dante.

"Okay, alright. See you in a bit. Later" said Dante.

"Later" Vergil replied.

The show had begun, and Dante had started to bite one piece of popcorn when there was a knock on the door.

"Damn it!" Dante said, opening the door forcefully to greet Nero.

Nero stood at the door, hair all wet from the rain. Wearing his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pyjamas, and some Devil May Cry slippers.

"Oh, nice slippers. I've got a pair also, but you should see them. They're awesome! It's of Lady and Trish right, and well Trish has her hand... Never mind" Dante said, as he noticed Nero wasn't paying attention.

"Where can I sleep?" Nero said, looking around the shop.

"Well, there are some covers there. And I'll get you two pillows, you can sleep right over next to the fire" Dante said.

"Aw, how thoughtful. So I don't get cold" Nero said, smiling.

"No" Dante replied, "Merely so I can roast your head in the middle of the night for being such a pain in my ass" he added, as to which Nero's face sunk.

"I'm kidding" said Dante, patting Nero on the shoulder.

Nero made himself comfortable, as Dante got the pillows for him.

At that time, Vergil let himself into the shop and sat himself down on the couch.

"Dude, you're in my spot" Dante said, gesturing for Vergil to move somewhere else.

"My bad" Vergil said, as he seated himself.

"Whatever you have to tell me, can wait till after the show" Dante made clear, as to which all three watched the TV.

Half way through the show, a loud banging noise was heard from outside. Vergil was first to investigate the scene, as to which he brought Dante and Nero outside also.

"I just saw this figure vanish into thin air, right after it attacked Lady" Vergil said, bringing her injured body inside to rest.

"What was she doing outside in the first place?" Nero questioned.

"I don't know, but at least she won't interrupt any more of the show" Dante replied, shoving more popcorn in his mouth.

"Is this your favourite show? All it's about is a bunch of guys performing crazy stunts" Nero said, as to which Dante glared at Nero.

"You better not dislike this show! Oh my God, are they really going to jump that in a freaking wheelchair? Hilarious" Dante said, mainly to himself.

At that point the phone rang for the third time that night, as to which a rather ****ed off Dante answered.

"Hello, Devil May Cry, what?" Dante said, through gritted teeth.

"Is Lady with you?" Trish asked, worriedly.

"Yes, now go away" Dante replied, putting the phone down.

"That was a bit harsh don't you think?" Vergil asked his brother, who stood up and shook popcorn off from him.

"Why can't I just watch one damn show without being bothered by every single person?" Dante said back.

Then the pizza man arrived.

"This is Devil May Cry right? A pizza for a Mr. Dante Sparda" the man said.

"About time" Dante said, paying the man and then closing the door on the guy's face.

"If one more thing goes wrong tonight, I swear I'm going to scream so loud I'll wake up all of Hell" Dante stated, sitting back down and going to bite his pizza.

"Wait a God damn minute" he said, observing the pizza.

"I...Said...No...Anchovies!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Dante bellowed out, as to which the front of his shop collapsed to reveal hundreds of demons standing outside.

"That's it, I'm going to bed" Dante said, jumping onto the couch.

The End.

Love Planet

Serious and funny moments ............................ The story starts with our main hero Dante staring at his half naked body in the mirror of his shop. Dante's stomach looking rather porkier than we have come to see. "Oh man, if I keep eating all that pizza, then it's really not gonna do me much good" Dante said to himself. "Oh well, these things can't be helped" he added, "Although on second thought" he said, smacking the desk with his foot and sending the pizza into his hand. Tucking into the slice just before Trish arrived, he also got himself dressed in his usual manner. Trish entered, and observed Dante's shop and Dante himself. Noticing the stains on Dante's clothes left there by food, that Dante hadn't washed out. And also Dante's now broken desk, that he had hit so many times. "How are you suppose to pay Lady all that money? When you keep on having to spend money on keeping this place in good condition" Trish asked curiously, as to which she raised one of her eyebrows. "This isn't the Anime, I don't owe Lady nothing in this" Dante replied, smirking. At that moment Lady barged in, looking extremely annoyed. "Whoa, easy Lady. You look like you could do with a drink" Dante said, smiling at her pleasantly. "No Dante, what I'd like is my money" she replied, still angry at him.

"Oh man, why does everybody have to be all serious all the time? Listen, I know a cool place we can go to and relax. Take our minds off from things, especially demons. I'll give everyone a call" Dante informed the two. "Not Nero" Lady and Trish both said in unison. "Like I would call Nero" Dante laughed, scribbling Nero's number out quickly from the top of his contact list and hoping no-one saw. Meanwhile Vergil made his way out of the shower at his apartment, rushing to answer the phone that was ringing. "Hello" Vergil answered. "Hey bro, what's say you me and the girls head over to Love Planet tonight? We could score some chicks and everything" Dante said, sounding excited. "Tonight? Ah, I promised Nero I'd go and see 17 again with him. He practically has an orgasm every time he sees Zac Efron on stage" Vergil replied, rolling his eyes; not that Dante could see that. "Well call him and tell him you have other plans. I am your brother after all, the least you could do would be to spend some time with me. You know? Like as a family, how mum and dad would of wanted things" Dante said, pretending to sound upset. "Alright, alright; I'll go with. Be at your place around 9, is that okay?" Vergil asked. "Yeah. Oh, and bring a friend" Dante said. "Okay, will do. See ya" Vergil said, as he said goodbye and put the phone down. Turning away from the phone and looking evil, "Bring a friend huh? You didn't say there was anyone I couldn't invite" Vergil said, laughing to himself.

There was a sudden buzz on the intercom, as to which Vergil let Nero come up into his living room. "I have popcorn, candy floss, strawberry laces, liquorice, sherbet, maltesers, revels, minstrels..." Nero was saying, before Vergil stopped him. "Sorry Nero, we'll see that movie tomorrow night okay? If I'm not too busy killing demons, you know how it is" he said, looking at the blank facial expression of Nero. "But I REALLY wanted to see that movie tonight" Nero replied, starting to get tearful. "Oh my God, it's like I'm surrounded by a bunch of extremely emotional women. Get a grip of yourself man, we'll see it tomorrow" Vergil said, giving Nero a slight slap to the face. "Oh well that's good then. So what's the plan for tonight?" Nero asked thoughtfully. "We're heading to Dante's place around 9, then we're going to Love Planet" Vergil replied. "Should be good fun" Nero stated. "Yes, but Dante doesn't know you're coming with" Vergil told Nero, as he started to laugh in an evil manner. Nero joined in with the evil laughter, but got a little carried away with it and completely ruined the moment. Vergil looked at him with a blank face, and then hanged his head in shame at the young Devil hunter. "I don't even know why I was laughing" Nero said, in an obvious manner.

Back at Devil May Cry Dante and the girls were making themselves look good for the night. Although to Dante that meant putting his feet up, as he already looked as good as could be. "Looking nice ladies" Dante said from across the room, as Lady came out wearing an extremely small skirt. "Now when you bought that skirt, it was bigger right?" Dante asked, as to which Lady scowled at him. "Okay, okay, ease up. You'll be less like that when we find you a charming man for the night. Oh who am I kidding? I'm sitting right here" Dante said. "Charming? You're idea of a romantic date is slicing through demons and spilling blood everywhere, finished off by a pizza at your fantastic shop" Lady pointed out. Dante looked almost confused. "I fail to see the bad in that" he said. "That's my point Dante" Lady replied, as Dante sat back more in his chair. "Touché" he said. Someone knocked on the shop door, as to which Dante answered to greet Vergil. Stepping out from the rain, he brought Nero inside Devil May Cry also. "Dude, the girls don't want him here" Dante whispered into Vergil's ear. "Oh, you didn't say that" Vergil said, looking rather beside himself. "So, how is everyone?" Nero asked, but nobody replied. "Okay, I'll just make myself quiet" Nero added. "Good idea" Lady muttered to herself, as Trish had just finished making her hair look nice. "Looks like we're all set. Let's roll" Dante said, spinning Ebony and Ivory in his hands but then clumsily dropping them.

The gang made their way over to Love Planet, which wasn't too far from Dante's shop. But on arrival, they noticed there were demons blocking their way. "What the? I thought this was a demon free night? Sorry guys, looks like the party's over" Dante said, raising his guns and shooting the demons. Vergil and Nero got to work on slicing through them, blood splattering everywhere and messing up Lady's skirt. "DAMN IT DANTE!!!" Lady bellowed out, taking out Kalina-Ann and firing a missile in Dante's direction. "Oh crap" Dante said, jumping onto the missile and riding it like he had once done before. "WHOOOO!!! YEEHAH!!! YEAH, HA HA!!!" Dante cried out, with delight; as he soared around the sky. Finally sending the missile towards a 17 Again billboard, before jumping off at the last second. "I'm sorry Lady" Dante said, disappointed with himself. "I'll buy you drinks, they're all on me okay?" Dante said, but she still didn't look too happy. Once inside, they got their drinks and Dante and the guys observed the dancers of Love Planet. "Hey, she's new. What's her name?" Vergil asked Dante, and not Nero. "Candice, and she is one hot fox" Dante said, winking in her direction. Nero looked out of place, as he had never been to the place before, or even any of its kind.

The Next Day The guys and girls all woke up with terrible hangovers. Dante was in bed with the Candice chick, or so he called her. Trish and Lady woke up with their dates, and Nero woke up alone; or so he thought. A leg brushed against Nero's leg, but it wasn't a pleasant one. Nero opened his eyes cautiously, daring to look at what was in his bed.It turns out Nero had hooked up with the only girl, that wasn't actually a girl. Nero got out of bed, rushing to the toilet to be sick. I guess the moral of the story is to never trust Dante on a night out, as you may never know where you might end up the next morning. Somewhere on a boat in the North Sea. "Wake up" came a man's voice, poking Vergil's body with a stick.

The End.

 

[LordOfDarkness]

(Double Post not to exceed character limit in first post)

Dante May Cry

Some serious moments, and some funny ones too.

Dante was outside Devil May Cry on a lovely Summers day, doing the gardening.

All of a sudden Lady arrived on her motorbike, and trashed all the pretty flowers Dante had spent his hard time working on and keeping nice.

"Lady, I was working hard to keep this garden in fine shape" Dante said, in an angry manner.

"Who cares for gardening? When there are demons waiting to be killed" Lady replied, passing over a little book.

Dante took the book from Lady, and started to observe it thoughtfully.

"What does that word say?" Dante asked.

"The" Lady replied.

"And this one?" Dante asked.

"Devil's" Lady said.

"And..." Dante started to say, but Lady took the book and read the title for him. "It says. The Devil's And Demons Of Dumary Island" Lady said.

"The book lists all known Devils, written by a former Devil Hunter" she added.

"Well that's all well and good. But what am I suppose to do about my petunias?" Dante said.

"There's no time" Lady said, hastily.

Dante mounted the bike, and the two made there way to a small boat that would lead them to the Island.

On arrival, Dante and Lady were greeted by an elderly man named Arthur.

"Welcome. Lady called ahead. You must be the Legendary Dante that they all speak of" Arthur stated, shaking Dante's hand.

"Yes. And you must be the old wise man, who has many tales to tell us. I'm guessing story time" Dante said, as he sat himself down on a nearby wall.

"Um, no Dante. Arthur has something important to show us" Lady said.

"Please, come this way" said Arthur, as he pointed towards where they needed to head.

After walking some distance, with complaints from Dante; they made there way towards the top of a small hill overlooking parts of the broken Island.

"On your last venture here, you left the place broken in two. But it seems that a missed artefact lying deep under water is being sought after by some demons serving a Leader" Arthur made clear.

"And you want me to ask them kindly to hand over the artefact?" Dante said, sarcastically.

At that point, a loud helicopter landed nearby. Stepping out from it came Vergil and Nero, working together.

"Oh great, so it's that annoying kid! Oh, and Nero's here too" Dante said.

"Hey old man, what are you doing here? Didn't you hear? They have a no pensioners policy on the Island. You have to take the next boat off" Nero said.

"What did you say? I couldn't hear you because my hearing is a little rusty. Oh no wait, that's a lie. I couldn't hear you because I chose not to listen. Until anything decent comes out of your mouth, which is hardly likely unless I ram a sword down your throat; I suggest you keep quiet" Dante shouted back.

"Ouch" Vergil said quietly to himself.

"Well, what are we here for Lady? You said this was urgent business. Why have we got all three of us? Surely all I have to do is go in there and clobber them with my Devil Bringer" Nero said.

"Calm down Thing, it's not clobbering time yet" Lady said, "We need to make a plan of action" she added.

"Too late, Dante has already made his way down underwater" Vergil pointed out. At that point, him and Nero followed; leaving Arthur and Lady to make small talk with each other.

"Lovely weather we're having isn't it?" Arthur asked Lady, who gave a confused facial expression; as it was absolutely hammering it down.

Vergil and Nero swam deep down, in the darkness; their eyes adjusting to the surroundings. Vergil speaking in a demonic sea creature status, that Nero could make out.

"Dante's not far ahead. We should swim fast to catch up with him" he said.

They did so, and managed to find where Dante was.

Dante turned his head around, "The artefact, it must be that red light in the distance" he said.

The three swam closer, and closer; until they were almost in reach of it.

But then two gigantic eyelids opened, to reveal two huge red demonic eyes. A sea monster, the size of Leviathan swallowed them all whole.

"Errghh, great! This isn't my idea of a day out" Nero said, standing on his feet.

"We're stuck inside the body of some damn beast. We have to cut our way out. The last time I fought something this size, I came bursting out the thing's eye" Dante remarked.

"Interesting story Dante. I believe that was just after I was done kicking you about the place" Vergil replied, laughing slightly.

"How times have changed, but wit hasn't" Dante said.

"Shut up, and start cutting" Nero said, drawing Red Queen and slashing away at the Beast's innards.

Cutting their way out, they swam away from the creature at a fast rate. The creature still alive, but badly hurt.

Dante turned back, and signalled for Nero and Vergil to carry on towards the Artefact.

Drawing Ebony and Ivory, Dante charged up a blast that took the creature's eyes out. With the beast blinded, Dante returned to Vergil and Nero.

Nero drew the artefact towards himself with the Devil Bringer, and they resurfaced long after.

Once on land, they noticed that Lady and Arthur were fending off some small demons and some demonic birds.

Dante finished the birds off with the help of Lady, and Nero and Vergil made mince meat of the small demons.

"We have what the demons must be looking for. I suggest we destroy it" Dante said.

"Well done Dante, you haven't failed us. But don't destroy it, instead hand it to me. I shall keep it somewhere where Devils or demons cannot reach it" Arthur said, and Dante passed the Artefact over.

"You fool" Arthur said, as he took the artefact and absorbed the red glowing power inside. He soon grew in size, to the height of Mundus, or even more so.

"You do not know what you have unleashed. Lost demonic power, growing over the centuries. Around Mundus' reign, he trained several Demonic Knights to do most of his work. However, when one of the Knights defied him and started a rebellion; Mundus realised that he had created something too powerful. He had created a Devil so monstrous, that its will to dominate would be unmatched. In it all, he made his own downfall. So he had his armies destroy the Devil Knights, all but one. The last one stronger than the rest, who had something else to fight for. The power of the Devil Knights passed back to Mundus, it was his for the taking. But on handing back the power, the Devil sent to do so thought to take it for himself. So he did so, and became the strongest Devil ever known. What happened then to him is a mystery, but somehow all the power inside of him locked itself up into a small red shell. And that shell fell deep down under the water of Dumary Island. And only one such as I would know this, as I helped the Devil who took the power. I was one of the Dark Knights many years ago, still not defeated. I even knew your father Sparda, and made myself out as a rebel just so I wasn't killed by him. Having my life spared, so I could gain a good reputation. And now after many years, I have lured you here once more to do my work for me. And now with all the power of those great Dark Knights, I will slay all of Sparda's family and even his friends. But my final work will be taking over the throne, and seizing control over all of humanity" Arthur stated, finally finishing his huge speech.

"Wow, that was a wonderful story. But you missed out one tiny thing" Dante said.

"Oh really? What's that?" Arthur asked.

"The part where we kick your ass" Dante replied.

Dante, Nero and Vergil came together and all Devil Triggered at the same time.

All attacking the creature at once. But it seemed hopeless, nothing was weakening him at all.

"Hey kid, why don't you just ram that huge hand through him and retrieve the shell?" Dante screamed over to Nero, who was slashing Arthur's neck.

"Good idea" he replied, as he flew backwards and faced the huge creature. Nero stretched out the Devil Bringer, and formed a huge arm that punched into Arthur's chest and dragged the shell from within.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Arthur screamed, in your typical villain losing manner.

Returning to his former self, Dante put a bullet in the Knight's head and ended his life.

"Wow, that was easy. For a Dark Knight, I was expecting a little more" Dante said, as he looked down over the body.

"Well that was something. I would of never of thought that he was one of them" Lady said, as she came out from her hiding spot.

"Let's all go home and have a cup of tea" Vergil said.

Everyone looked at Vergil with confusion.

"I meant a lovely cup of... pizza?" Vergil said, turning red.

"What is wrong with you man? That was way out of character" Dante said.

"So what? You were being a total pansy about your flowers earlier Dante" Lady mentioned.

As to which they all laughed at Dante, who shed a few tears.

"Dude, are you crying?" Nero asked, still laughing.

"Sometimes, even Devils cry" Dante said.

"Yeah but seriously Dante" Nero said.

"Hey, the last thing I'm having in this story is you having a go at me. I'm not taking any more of your crap Nero, I'm serious. Now get in the God damn boat, and shut your face" Dante said, pushing Nero onto the boat.

"Okay, okay" Nero said.

As the sun went down, the gang sailed away from Dumary Island. Maybe not for the last time in their lives, but at least for this time.

The End.

Devil May Cry: The Reunion

The clock on the small wood-wormed bedside table struck 8am, like Hell-fire was breaking loose in the tiny confined space of Devil May Cry. Dante woke with a yawn, throwing his clothes onto himself, without much care.

There was a much expected knock on the shop door, which was answered by a very grumpy Dante.

"Hello Nero, take a seat over there" Dante said, greeting him into the store.

Nero seated himself, much to Dante's disbelief that he worked out how to use a chair. As Dante left him to himself, he made himself some pancakes. The door knocked again, as to which Nero answered this time.

"Ah, ladies, come inside" Nero said, gesturing for their entrance inside. Everybody was seated accordingly on the sofa, as Dante was still flipping the pancakes.

"So Dante, all ready for the big photo-shoot?" came a quickly fired question from Lady.

The question almost took Dante back, like a large demon had just pushed him, demanding his lunch money.

"No, I won't let you have my lunch money" Dante almost screamed, before he realised his dialogue was actually seeping from the story itself.

The team looked miffed, as Dante's correct answer came shortly afterwards.

"Oh, I wasn't aware we were having our picture taken today" he stated, as if he hadn't been told over the phone those seventeen times the night before.

"Who's going to be there?" he not long added.

"Just the previous DMC bosses, and a few friends" Trish explained, which shook Dante to the core. Much to his fright. he shook so much that a pancake leapt into the air. After jetting skyward to the ceiling, it landed back down to Earth, finding its own way on-top of Nero's head.

"Dante, I know you keep telling me it's only an accident. But in one week, I have had so many pancakes thrown onto me, that I'm beginning to think I'm involved in a competition" said a rather irritated Nero.

"Oh Nero, I wasn't going to spoil the fun. But since you said it like that, I may as well. You've been Pancaked" Dante laughed, as he pointed out several hidden cameras in the shop.

'So that's what he does in his spare time' the ladies thought in unison.

After cleaning up and eating the pancakes after all, they headed for the photo-shoot.

An extremely camp photographer greeted the group, telling them their positions.

"Okay, so Dante, stand next to that demon there" the man commanded.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm a freaking Frost, okay? F.R.O.S.T. Not frosty, I'm not a snowman. Just Frost, got it?" the agitated demon replied.

"Sorryyyy... Okay, stand next to the iceman, and act like your scared"...

"No, mr freeze, don't actually hit Dante. Wow, jeez, it's a god-damn pose, not World War three. Lets have some respect, ice-cube" the photographer whined, as to which the Frost left, annoyed.

Dante and the gang confirmed the photographer's worst nightmare. The shots weren't going to work. They just wouldn't get the co-operation they all needed.

The entire get together was cancelled, and a disappointed bunch of demon slayers trundled homeward.

"Did anybody notice that Mundus was missing?" Nero asked.

"He phoned in sick. Got a stomach bug" Trish replied.

"I'll let Mundus know his demons didn't keep up the end of the bargain" Dante told the others.

"Argh...Voice-mail..."

"Hello, you've reached me at a bad time. I'm probably busy planning World domination. If you'd like to leave me a message, I'll try and get back to you. Probably going to be busy from now until the end of time though, but it wouldn't hurt to try"

I guess the moral of the story is, you can't trust evil. Not just because they don't keep promises about friendly photo opportunities. Just don't trust them at all.

The End

 

[Dante's Stalker]

Hehehehe, I want Nero's slippers!!!!

"I don't know, but at least she won't interrupt any more of the show"

LOVE THAT LINE! XDDDD

I'm really liking the half-clad Dante starting off the stories >_< Tehehehe!

LOL - 17 Again! I love that movie! ROFL XDDDDD...Ah, I love the Nero dissing, I really do!

You'll be less like that when we find you a charming man for the night. Oh who am I kidding? I'm sitting right here" Dante said.

GAHAHAHAHA! XD

...I'm enjoying this way too much, I think....

I guess the moral of the story is to never trust Dante on a night out, as you may never know where you might end up the next morning. Somewhere on a boat in the North Sea. "Wake up" came a man's voice, poking Vergil's body with a stick.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

"Well that's all well and good. But what am I suppose to do about my petunias?" Dante said.

...ohmigosh I'm laughing so hard I've got tears in my eyes! ROFL!!!!!!

*siiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhh*
That was good entertainment. *subscribed*

 

[moseslmpg]

I like how the stories begin, with Dante doing something mundane or weird, but in every case, not hunting demons. There's something about your writing style that seems manic and that makes it comical to me. I pictured Lady being like "THERE'S NO TIME DANTE!!!1!" when he asked about his petunias.

My humorous writing is more restrained alas, but if it wasn't I'd like it to be somewhat wacky like this.

 

[LordOfDarkness]

@Chloe_Ryder: Ah, you're too kind ^_^

I am extremely glad that you enjoyed my Short Stories. I really enjoyed writing them. I hope that showed in my work? Ah awesome, you have subscribed to me :lol: FANTASTICO!! ^^

@Moses: I hope wacky is a good thing? :lol: Thanks for taking the time to read through. I seriously appreciate it pal ^^

New -

Love Planet Part Two

"Quit poking my back with that stick" Vergil demanded, as he got back to his feet. "Oh God, where the bloody hell am I?" he said, beginning to panic.

"Who the hell are you?" said the Captain, looking beside himself. "I don't even know how you got here" he added.

"I was on one of my brother's wild nights out, and I just ended up here. Which way is it to my house?" Vergil asked, stupidly.

"Oh, er, you turn left" the captain replied, with sarcasm.

"It's okay, I'll ring my brother" Vergil said, ignoring the sea Captain.

......................

* ring ring ... ring ring ... ring ring *

"Hello, who is this?" came a girl's voice.

"Candice? Put Dante on the phone" Vergil demanded, urgently.

"He went out with Nero. Nero called him urgently" she said back.

"Yes, and that is what I'm doing. I am ringing him up urgently" Vergil said.

"But he isn't here" Candice replied, blankly.

"Yes, well put the phone down then Candice" Vergil said.

"Put it where?" Candice answered, but Vergil had already hung up.

Meanwhile


-Nero's House-

Nero opened the door to his house, stepping rather awkwardly inside of it. Dante ignored all of the Power Ranger's and Pokemon posters on the walls, because they weren't of naked women.

Kyrie was waiting in the living room. She knew what Nero had done, and was furious. Dante was going to help defend Nero.

"Don't be such a pansy, go on in there" Dante said, pushing Nero towards the door.

The push triggered a flashback in Nero's mind of his unhappy school years.

"Give me your lunch money, unless you want me to push you around?" said the big demon.

"All I have is packed lunches today" Nero replied, with a worried voice.

"Care for a banana, strawberry and sausage sandwich?" he added not long after.

"Why would you offer me such a disgusting thing? That is just pure evil" the demon replied, running to cry in the boy's toilets.

We then come back to the surroundings of Nero's house - and also somewhat back into the little story that there is.

Dante and Nero are struggling to establish where they stand, as the furious Kyrie snaps like an angry piranha at Nero's words.

"I was totally drunk Kyrie. You're being unreasonable. I wasn't planning on doing that, why would I? It was disgusting!" Nero stated, arguing his innocence.

"You knew that going out with those two would be trouble, Nero. Yet you still did it. So your actions are your own fault. You shouldn't be hanging around with this vile being" Kyrie spat back with venomous rage. She stood next to Dante at this point, who was completely elsewhere in his mind.

(Dante's Mind)

"Oh wow, this is amazing. Just look at the graphics on my body. Capcom have really turned things up a notch. I am a whole new level of gorgeousness. And my swords and guns look fantastic. Oh my, I have a new hairstyle. This is brilliant!"

Kyrie snapped her fingers, and Dante's mind came back to the room.

"Huh...Oh, hey Kyrie. I was just daydreaming about DMC 5" Dante said, clueless.

"See Nero. I am trying to have a conversation with the man, and his brain is in another dimension. Are you sure you're not on drugs, Dante?"

"Drugs? Oh no thanks, I just had a mint thank you" Dante replied.

"What? That didn't even make any sense. Listen, you guys can stay here all day and act like idiots. I have to go shopping" Kyrie said, slamming the door behind her.

"You were meant to be backing me up Dante. Dante! Are you even listening?" Nero said, almost screaming in his face.

"Yeah, I was listening dude. You were telling me how great my body looked, and then you checked out my big sword. Then I got my guns out, and you started complimenting them. So thanks man, I really appreciate that" Dante replied, making himself sound stupid.

Nero slapped his face, and the scene fell back to Devil May Cry.

Yamato stabbed through the shop's door, cutting it down. And a soaking wet Vergil entered the shop. Half of the North Sea on his person.

"Vergil...You look a mess..." Lady happily pointed out.

"Thanks" Vergil said, his teeth gritted.

"Oh look, a pretty starfish" Trish said, picking it up and admiring it.

"Actually that's a vital star, it fell out of my pocket" Vergil said, taking it off of her and shoving it in his back pocket.

The girls both looked confused.

"Alright, I basically swam all the way back. An awful journey, I know. Where does Dante keep his Ifrit Gauntlets?" He asked, searching the premises.

Eventually he found Ifrit, and used the fire to warm his entire body up.

"Hey Vergil, looking very wet"... "Been for a nice swim, have we?" Agni and Rudra said, hanging from the wall of the shop.

"Ha...Ha. I may look soaked, but my humour is still very dry" Vergil said to comment, still warming himself up.

Dante and Nero had made their way back to Devil May Cry. Kyrie was still shopping her heart out, spending whatever money Nero had on shoes. And the gang sat down and came to one ultimate conclusion.

They would never go to Love Planet again. At least, not to drink.

"BUT TO CHECK OUT THE WOMEN!!"

Yes, thank you Dante, I think they got that.

The End.

 

[Meg]

I just read the first one and oh man SO funny! :lol:

 

[moseslmpg]

Maybe wacky is the wrong word. They strike me as a skit on SNL or MadTV, in that they appear to be serious, but then you read them and there are subtle little things that are off that are funny. It isn't like smacking you over the head like some other funny fics do.

 

[LordOfDarkness]

Maybe wacky is the wrong word. They strike me as a skit on SNL or MadTV, in that they appear to be serious, but then you read them and there are subtle little things that are off that are funny. It isn't like smacking you over the head like some other funny fics do.

You can use whatever words you so wish to describe my work, I don't mind. All I want to achieve is those slight moments where you get a small laugh. Something that makes you smile, and then makes you want to read more of my work. That way I can hopefully keep delivering the goods

EDIT: Just finished Love Planet Part Two

 

[Nicodemus Zamoran]

That way I can hopefully keep delivering the goods

I say keep delivering! This stuff is hilarious, in my opinion. Can't wait for more.

 

[Dante's Stalker]

XDDDDD
I love your Dante, the end bit was pretty funny. And admiring himself - LOL!!!! What an idiot! XDDDD Oh, and what is up with women and their shoe fetishes?! It's the same thing with bling - they're like little hamsters that pounce anything shiny and they love leather (or whatever the shoes are fashioned of).

Anyway. Good work, this put me in a good mood today ^_^

 

[LordOfDarkness]

The Delivery

"Dante, look at this place. It's an absolute pig-sty of a mess" came Lady's 8am nagging. It was like an alarm to wake Dante's mind, telling him to get up and actually do stuff.

"I know" Dante replied, not bothered.

"It wouldn't kill you to clean the place up" Lady said.

"I don't have to. Remember, I hired that maid about a week ago to do it for me. And she hasn't even started her job yet" Dante answered.

"No Dante, you brought me a maid's outfit last week. And I've told you in the nicest way possible, I'm not going to wear it" Lady scorned.

The door of Devil May Cry knocked.

Dante greeted his brother into the store, and they both took a seat. Vergil's eyes were monitoring all of the mess that Dante had made in his shop.

"No wonder nobody ever comes here to buy anything" Vergil commented, still gazing around.

"Look, I would pay for someone to clean up. But you know? Business ain't what it used to be"

"Yeah, as I recall there was a time when people had to nip here to buy demonic weapons. Hey mom, can I borrow some money for demonic weaponry? Yeah sure hun, just as long as you don't spend it all on sweets. Oh, and be back before tea. Daddy is cooking us the head of a demon overlord, and we're having Mundus around to join us. What exactly do demons drink anyway?" Vergil continued to mock, laughing slightly as he spoke.

"Mock me all the way, but I'll just get another job" Dante replied to Vergil's silly remarks. His eyes shot over to the job-seeking section of the paper.

Suddenly, Dante caught sight of his dream job.

"JACKPOT" he screamed, as he leapt from his seat.

The very next day, Dante got up for his brand new job. Smiling all the way towards his destination, he met new faces.

"I can't wait to get started" Dante told his fellow employees.

"Okay, Dante Sparda?" his boss asked him

"Yup, that's me" Dante replied, cheerfully.

"Okay, I want you to take this pizza to this address" the boss said, "Oh, and make it snappy. If your a minute late, they get it for free. Now step on it".

"I WON'T LET YOU DOWN SIR" came Dante's screaming voice, trying to be heard over the bike's engine.

'Oh boy. A new job. New responsibilities. The possible chance of a hot maid around his shop' Dante's mind was thinking a million things at once. Which really was a change.

..."Crap"... Dante stopped the bike, parking it down an alleyway.

Dante got out his cellphone, and rung Vergil's.

"Hello Dante"

"Hey Vergil, you're not busy are you? It's just that I have to deliver a pizza real quick, and there's a demonic attack two blocks from you"

"Sorry Dante, but I'm giving Nero his bath at this moment. You'll have to deal with it" came Vergil's unwanted reply. The two said goodbye, and Dante was left with an issue. Deliver the pizza on time, or lose his job.

"EXCUSE ME, UGLY ONE, TWO AND THREE" Dante bellowed over to them, grabbing their attention. One of the demons was in the midst of lifting up a car and throwing it. But due to Dante's interruption, it had dropped it on its big toe.

"Oh look, a little human being. Can't you see we are doing demonic stuff? You know, trying to rule the World with evil and everything. Beat it, or we'll crush you" said the leader of the three.

"We should just crush him anyway. I mean look at his dress sense. It's hideous" said the other.

"No no, I quite like his shoes. And the trench coat is a nice little touch, I find" said the smallest.

"QUIET" Dante shouted, violently. "I am pleased you like my outfit. And I understand that you have evil to attend to. But I have to deliver this pizza in five minutes, or I lose my job" Dante stated.

"I actually feel rather bad for you now. What's your name human?" said the leader.

"Dante Sparda"

"AHHHHHH, RUN FOR IT GUYS. WE'LL TRY AND DESTROY THE WORLD LATER" the three demons shouted amongst themselves, as they ran to hide behind trees and dustbins.

Dante looked at his watch, just two minutes remaining.

Hopping onto the bike, the engine failed to start. "Damn" he said, smashing it with his fist. The bike broke into little pieces, and the pizza box fell onto the floor. "That's coming out of my wages" he thought.

Did it matter to him now that he was going to have to pay for the bike? Did it matter if the pizza got delivered? Did it matter that he may not get his maid? Yes, yes it did. It still mattered to him.

So with one last attempt to deliver the goods, he grabbed the pizza and legged it down the streets. He ran as fast as his legs could move. Running and running and running, until eventually he stopped at the place. Standing at the door of the house.

He knocked the door, and a man opened it. Was he too late?

"Dante Sparda? Where is your motor bike?" his boss's voice asked.

"Well sir, I got into a bit of trouble. I can pay for it" Dante said, surprised to hear the man's voice.

"And the pizza?"

Dante handed his boss the fully intact pizza box.

"Very good Dante. Except, I have one small question"

"Yes boss" Dante said, starting to sweat.

"Why does it say this on the box?"

His fingers pointed towards the address on the box, not matching his own. The pizza company's name, not matching his own branch. None of the details linking in any way to the door that Dante was standing at presently.

"Dante, I admire your effort. But please, reconsider another job. This isn't for you. It's not working out".

"Why? Is it me? I can change, please Sir" Dante begged him.

"No Dante. Leave. Go to wherever you must, but don't come back to pizza delivery any more"

The door shut, and a rather upset Dante stood there. Suddenly it started raining, the rain blended with his tear-drops.

Dante had failed himself. He would have to clean up Devil May Cry after all. All his hard efforts went to waste. Dante trundled home, wet and unhappy. For hours he dragged his body around the store, feeling sorry for himself. Eventually, he just wanted to go to bed.

He entered his room, and switched the light on. Taking his drenched clothes off. Or as he said after it rained 'My drench coat'

He turned around, and his eyes caught sight of a pair of black stilettos on his bed. Leading him upwards, to see Lady lying on his bed wearing the maid outfit.

"This just maid my day" Dante joked.

The End

 

[Dante's Stalker]

'my drench coat' ROFL!!!
But the last line got me. 'maid my day'....hahahahaha, how lame do you get? XDDDDDDDDDD

And you threw some horror in there as well. When Vergil said he's giving Nero his bath, I actually gave a scream. LOL, how COULD you?!?! But it's REALLY good, LoD, I look forward to more!!!! :lol: :lol: