Devil May Cry: Third Heartbeat

[nini dot exe]

By the encouragement of Cast, I have decided to finally put it up. x.x;

I feel it is...sub-par for what I usually do, so be gentle, but I will not mind critique and the like. On BOTH the spelling/grammar and the content. I particularly want to hear more about the content, though. You know, my ideas and the plot and such things.

This chapter actually ended up being too long for this forum to FATHOM. XD Hahahaha! So, I have to split it into two parts.

This will be a hub post. The first post that I'll edit and put in organised links of the chapters into. You get it.

SO. Without further adieu...


Third Heartbeat
Summary: It's a story set some years after the first game. I guess considering DMCII and DMCIV, it wouldn't be cannon. Although off cannon, I'm going to keep it as close to the original as possible. If anything, it happens after DMCIV.

The plot itself centers around Dante's "household" [if you can call it a hold...] which has been divided between his business and his seventeen year old daughter. We see the struggle it is for him to raise a kid; it's not really clear to him how to do it and, like most things, he's been winging it. It's worked thus far...

Until Mundus decides to make his way back into Dante's life in the form of the son of Mundus...a boy particularly interested in his little girl. Dante knows this is a plot to destroy what remains of Sparda's blood once and for all by Mundus, but try convincing that to a teenager. Not so easy.

Chapter One: Forbidden Fruit (part one)
Chapter One: Forbidden Fruit (part two)
Chapter Two: Inherited Hostility
Chapter Three: Acting Out

 

[nini dot exe]

Chapter One: Forbidden Fruit (part one)

The morning came and with it the annoyance of the pounding on the door signaling school. How unfortunate, another day sacrificed to “education”. Keyi reluctantly shoved her blankets against the wall and slammed her feet on the floor to make her father stop abusing the innocent slab of wood. There were actually indents in it from the years of the habit. She could hear him chuckling as his footsteps traveled to the stairs and away out of hearing range.

After a shower, drying her hair, dressing and preparing, she watched her reflection in the full body mirror in the corner of her room; light blue jeans faded to almost white as if they'd been bleach with random rips and tears and grey bondage straps that obviously did not belong to that particular pair of pants. A black, fitting t-shirt with a rainbow of colours and sparkles decorating the designs marked in white with a fitting black hoody with red and white kitten designs and ears on the hood. It was set with black, metal-enforced combat boots, silver and coloured jewelry and a beanie hat. Her backpack was slung over her right shoulder and contained distractions. Her long, silver hair was layered to cup her moonface. She smirked; her face said fifteen, but her hair said eighty.

'Perfect,' she thought as she slammed the door behind her and made it a point to be noisy as she descended the stairs.

Though, her father wouldn't dignify it with his attention. He kept his own black boots hitched on the table, the magazine in his face and leaning back lightly on his chair. The same chair he sat on everyday of her life and even before that. She was waiting for the old relic to snap one day.

"What? No kiss goodbye? For all you know I might get hit by a bus and this'll be the last time you ever see me alive!" she flailed her arms dramatically.

He rolled his eyes and chuckled, "I'll kiss your corpse goodbye, then." He still tossed the book onto the desk and rocked forward in his chair, puckering over-exaggeratedly.

Keyi giggled and kissed her dad's cheek, "I don't belong to you anymore, dad."

He kissed her cheek back and folded his arms, "Really? Your health insurance policy, that I happen to pay by the way, says otherwise."

"And yet you force me to either starve or suffer food poisoning from cafeteria food at school!" she gave him the sad expression.

"Gotta milk the insurance for what it's worth, don't we? I want to use what I’m paying for!" he picked up his magazine and buried his nose in it again, kicking up his feet twice onto the desk; once to shove the end of his long, red trench coat away and again to catch the wood.

Smiling knowingly, she quickly stepped out the door onto the street. Their home, which doubled as her father's business, was located in what people at school officially called "the bad part of town". She'd officially proven to the teachers that she wasn't ghetto scum, but the students wouldn't be swayed in their stand on it; born scum, always scum. Luckily, she wasn't the only one who was convicted of this and those would be her friends. Besides the few select of any real intelligence, that is.

Though a relatively short girl standing at 5' 2", her father had made sure to build her in counteracting this. A lot of girls in her school could flaunt their thinness, but she was among the few that could say she was fit. There was a good reason behind it other than self defense, too...

The school was a little less than a ten minute walk from where she lived, which meant she didn't live too far into the city, contrary to popular belief. She listened to the iPod she had to beg and work for for almost a year. He was right, she did cherish it much more knowing she did something challenging for it. Though, he had outdone himself in it as well; she'd only asked for an 80GB and he went all out and got the biggest there was at the moment; 160GB. Well enough; she had far too much music for just an 80GB anyhow.

"My words are falling apart in spite of me. I'm stepping out of the light so she can't see. Don't think I'll miss her, but I want to take her picture. When I found a place where she can't find me..." she softly recited the lyrics to one of her favourite songs under her breath; a half hum.

Keyi was still in the process of waking during the walk, like she usually was. She'd receded into the abyss of her mind when she entered the threshold of the back door to the school and was ambushed by familiar faces. She reluctantly pulled out her earbuds as they spoke and just barely caught the end of the statement. Something about a shirt in the mall she might like.

"I'm tired, Nika, let me be," she said flat out as she moved past the girl and two guys, Van and Thatch, to make it to her locker before she didn't have the time to. Of course, they followed close behind like she carried something magnetic and they were metallic.

Nonetheless, she ignored their bickering and chatting and exchanged the books in her backpack with the books she'd need for the next three classes. Fourth class was lunch and she'd have time to exchange again then.

"Hey, anyone do that review sheet for Stone last night?" Van asked leaning beside her locker.

"I did!" Nika raised her hand as if in class and chimed proudly, "And you're not getting the answers!"

He groaned and rolled his eyes, "Thatch?"

Thatch smirked, "Gonna cost ya."

Nika slapped Thatch's back; more like mid-back considering the kid was six feet and she was just barely taller than Keyi, "That's mean!"

Thatch scoffed in amusement, "Like you denying him isn't?"

She just rolled her eyes and patted Keyi's back gently, "You do it, Jenee?"

Keyi's middle name was of no secret to most people who knew her. The moment her father had shown up at school in the second grade for parents day, a lot of people took to calling her by her middle name when they learned he did. The whole city seemed to have this obsession with her father; it was creepy. Girls swooned in his presence and guys wanted to be seen near him for the look. High schoolers, though, were the last people she wanted near him, so she'd made it perfectly clear that the building and anywhere near it was off-limits during hours when the student population was gathered. He'd just snickered and half-heartedly agreed. He hadn't broken the rule in her three and a half year high school career (other than emergencies and teacher-parent meetings, which were few and far between), so it must mean he meant it even if he joked when agreeing.

Though, needless to say, Keyi was trying to put an end to Jenee in the public eye.

"Nika, stop calling me that. I am so sick of the population sucking what little family meaning I have," she slammed the locker and stormed off towards her second language classroom.

The three exchanged raised brows before going off to their own classes.


With the end of the day came the bell that meant kid-jail was out. And no sooner did the thought occur to her that morning did the paint peel and her father showed up at school with his quite noticeable, insufferable-shade-of-red sports car. How he'd managed to afford it was beyond her. His job was a little less a mystery to her as it was to everyone else. She knew the basics; demon extermination and partners. Little else.

But for all intents and purposes, she could've seen that one coming.

She rolled her eyes, "You. Out of my mind!"

He chuckled as he opened the passenger side door for her, "Aw, you were so cuddly and lovable this morning. I thought you wanted to go out for dinner, love."

"I'm not supposed to take candy from strange men, remember?" she got in avoiding the gazes and pointing and squealing.

Her father was juicing the attention as he walked around to get in next to her. He shot her a grin as he shifted into drive, "Ahhh, yes. I keep getting older, they stay the same--"

Keyi pulled off her boot and dug the heel into his cheek forcefully, "I swear to your god..."

After pushing the boot aside and getting a grip on driving, he asked a bit more calmly, "Bad day, Jenee?"

It was clear who wanted to name her Jenee and who wanted her to be Keyi between him and her mother. She sighed and rubbed her hair back, "Just tired."

"The offer for eating out still stands," he offered playfully.

"You're not gonna slip alcohol in my drink and have sex with my unconscious body, are you dad?" she snickered.

He laughed with her and pulled through the driveway between their home and the building beside it to park in the carpark behind. They entered through the back door, which led to the kitchen on the first floor. Keyi glanced at the sink once and it became clear why he insisted on going out; the sink was overfilling with disgusting dishes that were being neglected. Crusty molds and living things inhabited the sink among them.

She sighed, "And I thought you were actually being nice."

He put an arm around her shoulders and placed a kiss on her temple, "Hey, that's just part of it!"

"Yea, the son of Sparda can do anything. He can kill any being, slay any demon, valiantly facing off any evil and saving people...but he can't wash the dishes?" she raised her brow, "Somehow, I'm unimpressed."

He grinned a boyish grin, one she was sure he'd had since childhood, "You don't have to do them if you don't want to..."

"But at this point I'll have no choice if I want to grab cup in the middle of the night, or something," she gave him a blunt glare before heading for the stairs, "Later I will."

"Thanks, kiddo," he smiled a sincere smile now, "In about an hour we'll go to the Chinese place ya like so much!"
Keyi smiled back before disappearing into the first door to the left at the top of the steps; her room.


The Chinese buffet was particularly quiet that night, which pleased the two of them. For as much as he loved to make noise, her father didn't enjoy noisy restaurants. Like it took some degree of concentration to eat properly...

She never ate much more than the general tso chicken and the lo main, on occasion picking at something else like the sesame chicken, so she waited for him to finish packing everything up there onto one plate. When he sat down, she said the phrase she always said when this happened, the phrase he always disregarded. One day, with some hope, it would process through his thick skull.

"You know, you can go up for seconds instead of packing it."

"But I like how they taste mixed like this," he whined and stuck his fork through the massive pile until it clicked against the poor plate buried under it all. Whatever was still attached by the time he pulled it up is what he would stuff whole between his jaws. She was amazed at how he never spilled a drop on the bleach-white table cloth.

"No wonder mom left you," she slapped her forehead after spying an old couple giving them concerned stares. The employees knew them well enough not to even pay attention to it anymore.

"Hmn?" he mumbled through his filled mouth and she almost gagged. He choked on the food, laughing at her reaction. The gag was back twicefold.

“Disgusting...” she poked at the bits of chicken drenched in the tasty sauce that seemed to be different in every Asian restaurant even though it bore the same general name; must've been personal family altercations to the original recipe.

Dante was in his own little world, happily consuming the unappealing combination of foods from the buffet. In a way, after getting over what he was slurping and gnawing at, it was almost cute.

But in a split second, the son of Sparda swallowed his food in an entire gulp and swung around in his chair to look at the people who'd just stepped through the door. By now, Keyi was no longer paying enough attention to him at all to realise this; something was wrong.

Slurping her Dr. Pepper quietly through a straw, she dared to glance up at Dante to get a quick glimpse of him swing back to sitting the right way in his chair, albeit a mild slouch and watched his food like it might eat him instead, "Papa?"

"Did you even touch your food yet? I'm almost half done!" he feigned his usual ****iness.

The people who'd just walked in were passing by their table and he noticeably twitched. Glancing up at the three, a trio of friends from what it looked like and she caught the milky greenish-yellow eyes of a boy with long, dark hair and lightly tanned skin. There were long tufts of grey braided down the front of his chest with the ebony and through his thin bangs he winked at her. It as if he’d shot a charge of electricity as she immediately looked away lifting her hand to touch her cheek where a strange spark prickled there. What the hell?

Keyi looked at her father who watched her closely, speculating the scene through the blue eyes they shared. He almost looked like Sparda himself, or what she had come to know as Sparda through photographs and stories. He was described as a serious man with a quirky streak. She'd decided that Dante had taken too much of the quirk.

"What?" she asked rubbing her cheek in utter confusion.

He wanted to smirk at her, but he just kept searching her face for something.

They soon left the restaurant, packed with their fill. As soon as they'd gone through the door out into the chilly pre-spring breeze, Keyi questioned him endlessly on why he was giving those people dirty looks all throughout dinner. He pretended not to know what she was talking about until she pointed out how the mood was totally killed for him as soon as they walked in. He hesitantly let a little bit of an answer slide. It wasn't enough, though.

"Not gonna give in, are ya?" she reached over the arm rest between them and prodded his ribcage. He nudged away, though couldn't completely dodge.

"Just steer clear of them," he said, "They...were on the raw end of a deal."

"Good job," her sardonic attitude over it made him unsure of her intentions. If she went against him despite him...

"They're just not so happy with me, Jenee. Leave it at that," he said in all urgency.

It was a scary thing when her father was like this and she sighed, "I know, I know..."

The rest of the ride was spent leaning her forehead on the window and watching the unfocused blurs of light and darkness meld together in a wonderful contrast. Two things so accurately labeled, and so inaccurately forbidden.

 

[Cast]

>.>

<.< ok! I'll break the ice!


First of all I love the way you go in to the descriptions of everything, it really allows the reader to visualise what is going on, and some times relate to the thaughts of your charichters. You even give your own charichter her quirks, or habbits, this adds a bit of realism wich I like.


Dante (in my opinion) is verry in touch to his charichter (win!).

As far as spelling and grammer? Well my comment alone should be enough to tell you I have no exspertice in it : )...


The story concept is cute, I'd like to see part two up as it may give me more of a cliff hanger to bite on to to beg you to post up the next chapter (as I think thats intended).

 

[nini dot exe]

[CAST WON'T STOP BEATING ME UNLESS I DO THIS SO HERE GOES NOTHING.]




Chapter One: Forbidden Fruit (part two)

Keyi lay on her forearms on her bed with earbuds in and a book in front of her; Dante's Inferno. Dishes done, hair brushed and laundry in the dryer, she was going to try to enjoy her Friday night to the best of her ability; it was almost impossible with the adult-sized child that was her father lurking around the place who was both easily bored and had ADHD along with nothing constructive or good to do. Sometimes she felt like the parent in the relationship.

She hadn't even noticed him slip into the room until he sat on the bed near her and pulled out one of the buds to put it to his ear; “Butterfly Kisses” by Bob Carlisle.

He smirked and rubbed her back, “Is it that hard to stop thinking of me, darling daughter?”

She let her head fall into the book as she snorted, “Jee, dad, press menu on the freakin' iPod and you'll see it's on shuffle. Not my fault our song comes on ten times out of nine.”

He chuckled that fatherly way he did and pinched at the purple spaghetti strap shirt she wore. It had black, jagged stripes on it and was low on her chest and back; she usually wore it to bed, though occasionally over a net shirt or bikini top.

“Awfully revealing shirt ya got there. Maybe my own daughter's trying to get a piece of me too,” Dante wrapped the earbud around her neck and tucked it between the tags in the back of her shirt.

“Yep, you got that right. I find your unoriginal, incestuous cynicism hawt!” she lifted and bent her left leg over herself to swing it at his head. He made a quick sweep to avoid it, but she just rolled over and they both slammed into the ground shaking the place almost to its foundation.

“Wonderful,” she said while pushing him down as he tried to sit up and getting up herself to lie back onto the bed.

“Yea, love ya too,” Dante snorted and dusted his clothes after standing.

Her clear blue eyes speculated his face a bit as she lay on her back, feet on the pillow and head smooshing the book. For several moments, they watched one another, sizing the other up and daring the other to make the first move. Keyi grew tired of the game and moved her arm under her neck to move the book and support her head, “Papa, what are we doing?”

He sat near her, “Looks to me like we're playing.”

She sighed and turned to face the ceiling. Dante knew that sigh and waited.

“Grampa was this big, amazing man. He did great things and was a hero...but what about us?” her speculating eyes were on him again, like there was a wrong answer to her question, “We're nothing. We can't even say we live in his shadow...”

He took her hand into his, but avoided eye contact, “I do save the world too, you know...”

“Not the way he did. I mean...he may be a legend now, but people still remember him and what he did. Even if it's fallen to fiction now. It's still around.”

Dante nodded and collected his thoughts; there was only so much he could tell her at certain points in time. One day she'd come to know and understand it all, but she was only seventeen now. That may have been well over coming-of-age in his father's eyes, but Keyi was different; more precious, more fragile. Physically she could possibly be stronger than him, considering both sources of her origins (not just his), but he was afraid of what might happen if she knew everything. School and having a normal life already seemed somewhat insignificant to her; a natural thing to a demon, but even he could see her human side longed for a sense of normalcy. This made her unstable and it was safer to keep her in a sort-of norm than to risk letting her inherit all of her demon.

Keyi sighed again as he was returning to rubbing her back, “You're thinking too much again, kiddo. Try to get some sleep.”

They both glanced at the iHome on her vanity stand for the time; 1:23am. Rubbing her hair into a loose mess of static, he stood and made for the door, “Growin' girls need their beauty sleep, right?”

She was back on her forearms again flipping a page in the book idly, “I believe it was, 'Early to bed, early to wake makes a girl smart, beautiful and great.'”

Dante rolled his eyes, “Nerd!”

“Jackass,” she retorted with little effort, making it clear that the Dante in her book was far more interesting than the one insulting her.


“Hey, kiddo!” Dante greeted his teenage little girl with a hug.

She could feel the cold metal of his guns on her stomach and what little armour under his tight, black shirt that he'd agreed to wear for her sake. Trish was also there. She smiled at Keyi and spoke briefly with her. She sighed; another Saturday job.

“Hey hey, now! I promise to make it shorter than the others!” he assured her.

Keyi gave him 'the look' and shoved him aside to walk through the kitchen for the milk and a bowl, “That's nothing new to hear either...”

Dante scratched the back of his neck and chuckled, “Eheheh, sorry 'bout that, Jenee. I gotta do it though...”

“Yea, yea. I know,” she said bored with the reoccurring subject already, “Just come back without holes in your clothes. I'm not mending them again.”

“Will do,” he leaned down to kiss her cheek and she returned the action simultaneously.

“Aww,” Trish cooed with a smirk.

“Now, now, Trish. I know my daughter's a vixen, but please, control yourself,” he winked at her before leading Trish out of the back door to his car.

Keyi let out an exhausted sigh and sat down with her bowl of cereal, idly skimming through the news paper that had formerly been dissected all over the table by Dante. He either pretended to read it, or secretly read it using the former as a cover-up. He seemed to pay more attention to the comics than anything, though.

Savouring cinnamon Life taste, she spotted that an article in the paper had been sliced out. That explained the scissors underneath the mess. Had Dante really expected her not to pick up the paper?

The Saturday was a good one; a clear, warm day, the sign of spring breaking through the crisp winter they'd had. Much to her delight, a lot of snow had fallen around Christmas time and then gradually cleared up towards the end of January. It was mid-March now and, though she loved the snow, she was glad for the warmth. Everything had its downside; snow had its cold and warmth had sweat. She was so sure she'd rather freeze to death though...

All thoughts on how she'd rather die shoved aside, she finally got around to the shower for that day. Keyi thoroughly enjoyed her chance to slack, so when the phone rang just as she'd gotten out of the shower, she cringed. She listened to the phone for three rings; was it Nika asking for the weekend's assignments because she'd forgotten? Thatch wanting to show her off to people who apparently went to their school that she'd never seen? An angry teacher to rant about her low math grade?

It was best ignored. It was Saturday and she had no obligation to answer it, so she ignored it until the sixth ring. It was then that she realised the business phone was ringing...

Holding her towel up, she dashed down the stairs to grab it by the seventh hoping it wouldn't be too late, “Hello?!”

There was a silence that made her contemplate giving up until a man with a deep, very dominant voice answered, “Is Sparda there?”

Keyi was confused; no one on the business phone called Dante “Sparda”, even if Sparda was their feigned last name. Was this a special exception? “If you're looking for Dante, he's not in...”

The voice cackled lightly, “You must be Keyi.”

Her hair stood up on the ends, like when watching a horrour flick, but much worse, “I'll take a message if it's important.”

“Tell me, dear Keyi, do you know who I am?”

“No,” she answered bluntly and was waiting for the right moment to hang up, “Should I?”

“No,” and her opportunity was missed; he hung up first.

She looked to the old fashioned receiver in utter bewilderment. What was that about? There wasn't much more to do than put the phone back down and go upstairs while she pondered the strange call. Was it a client? Or maybe it was an enemy trying to get to him...she started to panic at this thought. She quickly dressed, no longer feeling safe within the building. She was quick to shove a brush through her hair and throw on a white t-shirt with grunge designs and wings on the back, a pair of heavily decorated black and purple pants that hung very loosely around her lithe form; easier and quicker to slide on and off. After pulling on the charm bracelet from her father and a loose, woman’s-type band hoody, she grabbed her messenger bag and keys and was gone.

Two steps onto the pavement and another thought soon pestered her; what if it was just her father trying to spook her? Maybe he just wanted to see her reaction in the case that something like this did happen. She sighed and let her bag drop to the ground as she slumped back onto the door. Her compact jumped out of one of the pockets and whirled across the street into the crease between the curb and a car tire. She'd have no time to curse him or her luck in her mind as a strange force slapped at her back. She was shoved forward over the curb closer to her. Keyi was quick to grab the strap of her bag and pull away into the street just in time to avoid being slapped by the giant, silver hand that emerged from the door.

'What the **** is that!?' her mind screamed as her widened eyes watched the door shine and glow idly, a predatour awaiting its prey...

She didn't need to be attacked a third time to know to stay away from it though. What had put it there? Where had it come from? She was, again, pressed on time as someone's presence became apparent behind her. Slowly, she turned and saw that man from the restaurant! The one with ebony and grey hair...

His idle expression turned to a playful smile, “You drop this?”

Keyi was silent and glaring with suspicion. Surely he'd know she wouldn't just up and welcome him into the world she knew when her father had clearly warned her?

“Yes. Give it back.” she made no hesitation in being short with him as she slowly reached her arm out.

There was a strange moment of something that couldn't even be called silence; normal silence had sound. Normal silence stood between two people and not the rest of the world, but in this instance, this silence seemed to stand everywhere.

And just like that, it was gone and within the blink of an eye, he was right in front of her in the middle of the street placing the compact into her palm, also wrapping his much stronger hand around her wrist in the same movement. Trying to pull her hand away was quickly proven useless.

“It's nice to meet you, babe, I am Elias Mundus,” he spoke it with such lightheartedness. She cringed with the resemblance this attitude bore to her father. Of course he wouldn't like him; they were that much alike. Opposites are what attracted, but then would that mean she'd like him too?

Keyi shoved the thought out of her mind. She had no idea what this man was capable of, what had happened between him and her father...she didn't even want to think of those possibilities. Dante wasn’t exactly great at people, which was why he often worked with partners like Trish and Lady; they could handle the clients better. His loose tongue and ‘doesn’t really give a ****’ mannerisms would lose him so much business.

Again, the obvious was late to dawn upon her, blame it on the laziness of the Saturday morning and ultimately exhaustion, but she then heard him introduce himself for the first time in her consciousness; Mundus! Again, she tried to pull away, but he wouldn't have any of that.

Defeated, she glared at him and spat, “Keyi Sparda.” As is the inflection upon her last name would ward him away.

A small bit of the playfulness faded and he was now smirking with something like mischievousness, “Sparda girl!”

He finally freed her hand and she made sure to take a few steps back. She couldn't help spatting back to that, “Mundus filth!”

He tsk'ed a few times, “Such rudeness! I expected better of a Sparda descendant.”

Keyi opened her bag to put the compact away, but also to grab the dagger hidden within the back pocket, “Welcome to the twenty-first century...mannerisms no longer apply!”

She threw her bag back with a degree of the quickness he'd had earlier and kicked him back into the building across the street. She was immediately at his throat with the very old, very jagged and very sharp blade. It was definitely of demon make, made from a brown metal only found in Hell. A metal that, no matter how it was used or abused, never lost its point except when coming to contact with two other things; another of its make or a higher class of metal in Hell. Some of her father's swords were made of that stuff. It was adorned with precious stones from Hell as well, which gave it an extra boost of protection and power. Elias knew this, of course.

“Beautiful, truly,” his hand clamped onto hers again – where was he getting such strength? – and he pressed the blade through the epidermis of his neck drawing a small bit of blood.

Her father would've been ashamed with how the simple distraction had worked on her, but Elias merely took the blade from her, held onto her waist and spun her as if in dance. He had her dipped back holding the blade in the same hand that pulled her hand to his lips to kiss.

“Despite the attitude, you're nothing short of a Sparda,” he smirked. She wasn't sure if this was meant to be an insult or a compliment. “Yes, silver hair, blue eyes...pale and thin. Lithe, like Eva once was...”

She flared at hearing him speak her late grandmother's name like that and slapped his hand towards his face, making him cut himself on the cheek with the knife. He let the dagger fly out of his hand. His neck wound was gone away easily, as was this one; she watched the skin meld itself back together within seconds.

“Or so I'd heard.” he closed the earlier statement, “Do I look like a Mundus?”

Keyi barely listened to the question as she kicked up, forcing him back and awkwardly stumbling away. She landed in the street and backed up to the curb once more; close enough to be near the building, but far away enough not to merit the attention of the barrier on the door. He must've put it there. So taking him out would take that out, in theory. It was worth a shot; worst case scenario, she killed him and the barrier stayed. At least one annoyance would be gone.

She spun on her heel, spotted her dagger and dove for it. What she hadn't spotted was the black, beetle-like demon on the roof of the building nearby. By the last possible second, she snatched the weapon up and rolled out of the way of the giant, spiked jaws. Keyi watched it wide eyed.

“Aren't they ugly things?” Elias knelt near where she was sitting halfway on her hip.

Keyi wasted no time in swinging the blade for his face, but he jumped back. This swift movement signaled the lesser demon to act, going for Keyi, the closest and only one still off of her feet. Much to her own surprise, Dante now stood in the way of her attacker...he was wearing something different than what he left in, though. It was odd to see him out of his favourite outfit for work.

The lesser demon was taken out with the swing of the massive sword that thundered and roared like a motour...wait, like a motour? She felt like something was pulling at the peripheral of her mind, trying to force her out of consciousness, but she wasn't hurt! Black threaded the perimeter of her vision, weeding inward. Whom she had thought was her father turned around to gaze down at her carefully, concentratedly.

It wasn't Dante.

 

[Cast]

And THATS the cliffhanger I was looking for : ) Just enough information to suspect, and at the same time you leave questions unknown! I'm really curious to find out what that strange phone call was about, and how this Dante look alike fits in ;D *nudge nudge* hope some one els comments soon I dont want to be the only guy in here leaving my thaughts! lol

 

[nini dot exe]

[Well, if nobody but Cast takes interest in this after this post, then I'll just have the thread deleted and post it elsewhere. /shrug. I'm not taking the time to post it here for nothing when I can upload it simpler elsewhere and he'll still see it.]


Notes: To clear things up, because I know it can get confusing.

"Stuff in quotes is dialogue."
'Stuff italicised and in between apostrophes are thoughts.'
"Italicised stuff in quotes is stressed, yelling, etc."
Simply italicised font is a flashback or dreams. (or emphasized writing)


Chapter Two: Inherited Hostility

"Who the Hell are you?!" she yelled crawling back against the bedspread and launching a pillow across the room at him.

He quickly caught it and used it as a shield in case she threw something else, "I'm a friend! Trust me!"

She pulled off her boot and launched that as well, "I don't have friends I've never met!"

He had to catch the boot because there was no way the pillow was protecting him from that, "I'm your father's friend! He honestly hasn't said anything about me?"

Keyi gave him a blunt look, "Must not be too good of a friend, then." And she threatened to take off her remaining boot.

He held up the pillow after dropping the other boot, "No!! Wait till he gets back! He'll tell you!"

It was then that laughing came from the doorway. No mistaking it this time. Dante strolled into the room and put an arm around a very upset and glaring Nero, "So, you've finally met my little girl, huh? Told ya she was cute."

Nero's glare intensified as he threw Dante's arm off of himself, "You could've told her about me as least, ass! Way to avoid awkward situations!"

Dante gave an apologetic smile, "It never came up!"

By now, Keyi was tired of the both of them, "You! Give me back my boot and pillow. Both of you can leave me alone!"

Nero had no problem tossing both items back to her and walking out. Dante looked nervously to his daughter.
"Kiddo..."

"So, a little birdie told me that I have a hired stalker?" she demanded as she crossed her arms.

"Not all of the time!" he assured her, "Just...for the past couple of jobs!"

Her blue eyes flashed a faint haze of red as she was up on her feet and in front of him in one fluid movement, "Why don't you just have him ****ing babysit me instead of having him sit on the damn rooftop?! I mean, it's the same insult on me with a little more hospitality on his part!"

Dante sighed and rubbed his forehead, "You're right, but Jenee, I don't have time right now..."

Keyi’s anger felt like it did a few somersaults inside of her and she executed this to him by shoving him, "O, sorry to take you away from your precious job with the news that my ****ing life was in danger! How could I be so stupid to think you might want to hear about that?!"

He froze; that was right! The only reason this happened was because of something that had forced Nero to show himself. His expression was more serious as he grabbed her shoulders, "What happened?"

Keyi rolled her eyes; 'Woohoo for guilt trip.' "I got a weird call on your business phone. A man asking for "Sparda"...and then when I left the building, a barrier went up around the door and that man we saw appeared...he said his name was Elias--"

"Elias Mundus, I know." he sighed, "He's already tracked our location..."

"I thought Mundus was gone..." she said a bit helplessly.

"No. He's had his ass handed to him by both me and your grandfather, but the weed never seems to die," he seemed less concentrated on informing her as he was already formulating something in his mind; a protection plan, anything to keep her safe.

Suddenly, the guilt trip was on Keyi, "Papa..."

He hugged her, "Don't worry, Jenee. I'm gonna think of something, but for now, please put up with Nero, okay? He's not that bad a guy and I trust him, so you can too."

"Pfft, you're so buddy-buddy with him that you don't even tell your kid about him?" she smirked.

"The past is the past. Nothing I can do to change it now," he ruffled her hair in a static ball like he usually did when the subject was borderline serious and light, "Trish is taking care of the mission for now, but I have to get back to her. It's my mission and I need to be there."

Keyi nodded and threw another hug at him, "I know...one more thing, though."

Dante gave her a look of inquiry as she smirked, "If he starts hitting on me, does that qualify as something I can beep you on?"

He laughed loudly and pulled at her hair, "Only if beating the **** out of him doesn't work first...he's kinda tough and part demon like us, so don't be afraid to let loose." He winked.

"O, like I could miss that arm!" she giggled and was led down the stairs by his arm around her shoulders.

Nero was sitting on the couch in the lobby with his arms and legs crossed and casting a death glare at the tv. It wasn't on. The father and daughter stood before him, Dante beaming brightly, "Hello my friend. I don't believe you two have been properly introduced; this is Keyi, my daughter! Keyi, this is Nero, a friend I made on a business trip! He'll be watching over things while I'm on jobs, so be nice."

Nero sighed and allowed his anger to drop as he leaned forward to shake her hand. Keyi hesitantly returned the gesture. Now that he was identified as her father's friend, he seemed more threatening than before; she wasn't the best with strangers she had to get along with.

On his way out, Dante glanced back at them with his bright smile, "O, and if you hit on or harm my daughter in any way, I'll personally see to it you never have kids of your own. Bye-bye!"

Keyi rolled her eyes as Nero narrowed his and stuck his finger up at him. They could hear Dante's laughing until his car had driven away. And then...there was silence; an incredibly awkward silence. She just stood there giving him short glances while his gaze traveled around the room. He scratched the back of his head trying to find something to do or say.

"Heh, maybe you were better off on the roof," she shrugged and laughed a little.

Nero's eyes finally landed on her again and he offered a chuckle of his own, though only half-heartedly, "Yea..."

She then noticed the resemblance he seemed to have to her father and her eyes wouldn't budge from his. They were locked at the eyes for a few moments before she leaned closer and squinted, "...are you secretly related to my dad?"

He leaned back and gave her a look, "No! Definitely not! How do you put up with living with him?"

She snorted, "It's not half bad when you've got control of him...which, I guess, I only do because I'm his little girl. I don't think he'll do almost anything for you."

It sounded kind of rude and self centred now that she said it, but he smirked and nodded, "It took him a while just to bail me out of the crap that went down in Fortuna...waited right till the last moment."

Keyi smiled and leaned on her dad's desk, "Yea, he's got that habit...so was that the mission he met you on?"

Nero nodded, "Yea. Most of the city was destroyed...but we've gotten the place back up and running better than before."

She nodded to show she was listening. There was another silence before she asked, "So, were you guys ever on other missions together?"

"Sorta..." he was fiddling with his strange blade as he spoke. He obviously wasn't good with eye contact, or maybe he had the same issue as her; uncomfortable with strangers, "More like we'd be on separate missions and be in the same area...and end up helping each other if need be."

Keyi smirked, "Dad had to help ya a few times, huh?"

Nero rolled his eyes and sat back, "Or the other way around."

"Hah! Guilty!" she laughed and stood up.

After a few more moments of silence, she pointed to the door leading into the back of the building, "Hey...you hungry? It's almost dinner time and I am."

Nero looked up and offered a small smile as he stood, "I guess. Why not?"

She nodded and smiled back, though nervously. She turned and led through the door and down the hall to the kitchen all the way at the back, past two doors leading to storage rooms for things Dante brought back from business trips; one of which Dante made sure Keyi never, ever saw the contents of.


“So, enjoy the first date with my little girl?” Dante nudged at Nero annoyingly after Keyi had said goodbye to him.
Nero was pretty done with this joke Dante was insistent on keeping alive concerning him and his daughter, “Would it even matter to you if I said my relationship with Kyrie is going well?”

Dante just patted his shoulder, “Great to hear!”

Nope, it didn’t matter.

Dante turned slowly and moved towards his desk now. Something in his movements gave off a somewhat serious change in demeanour now, “I take it everything was silent on the front?”

“Yea. Keyi’s a pretty independent girl…she didn’t leave or do anything, really. She even ended up cooking me food,” he crossed his arms with a sigh, “Part of me wonders why you think it’s necessary to watch her…but then I remember what I’m protecting her from.”

Dante was sitting in his chair now, slouched over and leaning on his elbows. He merely nodded.

With a shrug, Nero turned away, “Why don’t you train her to defend herself from them? You know I could help.”

“Heh,” Dante scoffed lightly and leaned back in his chair, “Because I’m afraid she might be more like me than she thinks.”

“In what way?” he looked at the older man again.

It took a moment, but he finally let it out, “I don’t want her to go looking for trouble, is all.”

“Ahh,” Nero nodded, “I don’t think she will, man.”

“How do you know? You’ve known her a day.”

“Whatever, dude,” Nero waved his arm, dismissing it, “Just think on it. What’s the lesser of those two evils?”

Dante said nothing more as he listened to the front door slam behind Nero as he left. He didn’t want to think about Keyi ever being near the things he had to kill for a living. He would gladly skip out on the experience if there were ever a possibility.

The irony of this whole ordeal seemed pretty twisted too; he saw more of them than he saw of his own daughter these days…


"Did you see him?!"

"See who?" Keyi gave a glare over her shoulder to Nika who only squealed in that way that she did when she saw a hot guy. She was dead on, too.

"Hiiiim! The older guy! He was standing at the front entrance this morning!" she jumped up and down with her binder clutched tightly. Keyi felt bad for the plastic wrapped pieces of cardboard; it suffered many fingernail marks.

"Obviously not," she slammed her locker shut and walked with her towards the lunchroom. She couldn't help giving a smirk, "So, what's this one look like? Lemme guess! Tall, dark and handsome?"

"How'd you know?" she gushed, "He had this style that I've never seen before! He has long dark brown hair. Almost black! It was layered and some of the under parts were grey and braided! O, and don't get me started on his eyes!"

No way; how many people could possibly look like that? She expertly masked her concern with sarcasm, the way only the child of her father knew how, "Wow, knowing every detail of a guy you've never met. How stalker-ific of you."

Nika giggled deviously and patted her arm, "I should set him up with you."

Keyi halted so quickly in the middle of the hallway that the people behind her slammed into her. They glared at her before walking around.

"You will not!" she said in a warning tone.

Although, Nika didn't realise she was being serious; how could she? She didn't know who he was. Nika just smiled and turned her back to her to continue to the lunchroom, "Fine, then he's all mine!"

Keyi rolled her eyes and sighed. She had no reply to that for the moment. She merely followed Nika and soon they were standing with Van in line to pay for their food. Nika simply wouldn't shut up about Elias. She had no doubts it was him...and no doubts that Nika wouldn't even need to speak to him to know they'd be "set up", so to speak. Would he charade as a student here? Perhaps he'd follow her between home and school until she got sick of it and one of them killed the other.

The school day lasted too long and Keyi was more than prepared to blame it on that filth of a Mundus. She needed to tell her father as soon as possible...assuming she'd make it home without being ambushed. What a wonderful Wednesday this was turning out to be...

She was so sure lingering at her locker until all of the students had diminished and the parents' in cars were gone would make him give up and walk away, but no such luck. As soon as she crossed the street and was off school property, he was there.

Elias gave her a flirtatious smile, "Your friend's cute."

Keyi growled, "And she likes you, too. Go bug her."
He just laughed as he clicked open a metal holder and flicked out a cigarette. 'How cliché,' her mind seemed to reject him in every sense. Even her body, her very soul was restless around him and she could see herself strangling his last breath from him. Yes, he was a Mundus; her natural enemy. This is what Dante felt every time he was near, she was sure of it. Him and the original Mundus.

'What would Sparda do?'

"You seem tense. Maybe I could rub your back once you lay down..."

Keyi stopped and spun around to glare up at him, "Really? Really? You don't get it?"

Elias's smirk darkened, "Don't get what?"

Her glare stayed on him; neither budged. Finally, she spun back around and power-walked, "You know what? Yes, come home with me. Meet my dad! He's got quite a few questions for you."

"But I'm not interested in him," he said almost innocently.

"Too bad for you then."

What was his aim? How could he readily approach her like this? Did he know she wasn't brought up in the way her father was? Wasn't taught on her heritage as deeply? Did he think it would be easy to get to Dante through her? So far, the only threat from him was based purely on the fact that he was related to Mundus. Was he also controlled by him?

"Did you know you had an uncle?" he asked randomly.

"Vaguely..." she wasn't sure how to answer.

They were outside of the building and she wouldn't slow to give him a proper farewell. She hurried up the steps and he stood at the bottom taking an inhale of the white cancer stick, "I could tell you more."

She paused; she was sure he could. How much of Mundus's knowledge was passed to him? Surely all the details about her family were elementary to him. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

Keyi didn't answer as she went inside and slammed the door. The first thing she noticed was that Dante wasn't home. No wonder Elias had chosen the most random day of the week; Dante had been home when she'd arrived on Monday and Tuesday, and when Dante wasn’t around, Nero had been.

After locking the front door, she hurried up into her room. She wasn't feeling good. It was like being in his very presence made her physically ill...or maybe it was just the stress she put herself through in reaction to it. It wasn't important. She was headed for the closet to change into something comfortable when she noticed her window was wide open...

And on her desk was a rather large and very old looking book. She approached it cautiously, as if it were alive and would bite, or the area around it was rigged. There was no such thing, though. She lifted it by the cold metal that made up the spine and rims. The power surging through it was a direct indication of where it had originated; Hell.

Before opening the cover, she glanced out the window to receive no sign of Elias – who had obviously been the one who'd left it – just a cool breeze and the last rays of the sun before it ducked behind the buildings and set on the other side.


Friday was conveniently a day off. Teacher staff development days were the blessings of the student body of just about every school. This particular Friday, though, was looked forward to by most of her friends, and those they knew, which could likely multiply into more than half of the school, more because of the party that was being held at a senior's house. “General admission” so said the fliers they'd been spreading around school for the past month. Keyi had been vaguely aware of it, but hadn't planned on going...until Nika and the guys decided not to stop bugging her until she went. Her natural reaction was to use her father's Friday job as an excuse to leave the house and not let them have the satisfaction of knowing their nagging had been what had done it. Keyi wasn't going alone, though...

Dante was watching himself in the mirror as he adjusted his attire for work, Trish sat on the desk finishing up a slice of pizza and Nero lounged on the couch like he had done last time. Keyi was offered the last piece of pizza, which she took happily, as she gave her dad a cute smile.

Dante inhaled audibly and turned to her putting his hands on her shoulders, “Okay, what do you want?”

She laughed and chewed on the tip of the piece of pizza, “I'm going somewhere tonight, papa.”

“O, goodness...looks like it's back to the rooftops with ya, Nero-boy!” he laughed and rubbed the beginnings of his five o'clock shadow on his chin.

“Actually...” she spread the word out and lingered on the last syllable as she glanced at Nero and then back at Dante, “I was thinking he'd go with me. As a...”

“DATE?!” Dante and Nero both finished; Dante in utmost amusement and Nero standing in pure shock.

Keyi twitched and there was a silence between the three, one Trish was absolutely thrilled with. She sighed and slapped her own face in her palm, “No! As a body guard!”

Nero seemed to calm down a bit, turning red at his jump to conclusions. Something he was readily going to blame on being around Dante too much for his liking. But Dante seemed almost disappointed, “Aw, Jenee! You know I wouldn't mind you getting a boyfriend...”

'Here we go again...' Keyi rolled her eyes, “From what I understand, Nero's got a girl already! Plus...he's much older, dad.”

“Well...” Dante was cut off though.

“Knock it off! We're going to be late and you know how antsy my friends are concerning my where-abouts. I was just letting you guys know and hoping Nero would be okay with it.” she looked to Nero a bit apologetically.

Nero gave a reassuring smile, “Don't worry on it, Key. I don't mind...”

She nodded, “I'm going to finish getting ready...and you should be getting off to your job before you're late!”

With that, Keyi fluttered back up the stairs and didn't bother shutting the door to her room. Dante smirked mischievously at Nero, “Don't think of trying anything, kid.”

Nero shot him his middle finger as he made to wait at the door for Keyi. It wasn't long before she was hurrying down the stairs pulling on her hoody and almost dropping her messenger bag. Nero offered to carry it for her, which got a blush from Keyi and a snicker from her father. It was clear Nero was more accustomed to those mannerisms from where he'd come from, but of course Dante was going to squeeze any type of perversion out of his chivalry. She began to wonder why Nero did Dante favours…

 

[Daring Dylan]

Don't have the thread deleted! D: I'm really enjoying this. I don't usually comment on fics, but I saw that you wanted to delete your story and I "D: Nu!"'d irl. So yeah, keep it up...?

/fail post is fail

 

[nini dot exe]

AW. ^^; Well, I just like to at least know there are people out there and they want to read and they want me to continue. :/ A simple pat on the back and saying, "I want to read more! Please write it!" will make me want to continue. XD I'm easily frustrated. Haha.

Thank yoooouuu.~

 

[nini dot exe]

In some sense I believe all writers share this common need. I've been compelled to just delete my stuff off here as well, but I haven't because people DO read it, even if they don't review all the time. You can tell by the amount of views you get on your thread ^_^

Well, views don't exactly tell me who read the whole thing and who just wasn't interested and moved on. :/ If I wanted just lurkers, I'd only post it on fanfiction.net and keep it there.


Okay, on to the critz!
Spelling & grammar: use MS Word to type up your work as it has a built-in spell checker. The same goes for the grammar, if a sentence is wrong, it will highlight it for you in green and (mostly) offer you suggestions on how to correct it. If you don't have a word processor that does this, I'd advice you to find yourself a beta-reader (they do the spelling, grammar, editing, proofreading, the whole kahuna)

I do and I think you're doing exactly what most people do when they see the way I spell things.

humour = humor
colour = color
harmonise = harmonize

I spell things the British-English way. That's honestly how I was brought up spelling things and I prefer to keep it that way. And...let's not get started of the Oxford comma. x.x; God, I hate that thing! For those of you who don't know what that is...

Apples, oranges and bananas.
Apples, oranges, and bananas.

That comma in the second sentence is the Oxford comma. It is now how all formal grammar is, apparently. And I don't like it. If I were writing a formal article or something, I would have to use it, but I refuse to use it in my creative writing things. So, this is one of those things in my grammar that people notice a lot. (Maybe not what YOU noticed, but yea. Me guessing! XD)

I do have MS word and I have two people who read through and tell me what they think and find the spelling/grammar errors beforehand. Not only that, I'm quite the grammar nazi. It's just the way I word things, usually. At least, that's what I've been told by English professours at college.


Descriptions:
Overall your descriptions are really good, although too much detail can confuse and (I don't be mean to sound nasty) bore. You need to ask yourself whether it is crucial to the story to really explain in tiny detail exactly what type of decor she has on her shirt. If it isn't, you need to cut it out and keep to the simple basics. Either that, or you need to shorten your descriptive sentence so that it reads faster, easier, and gets the imagery across that you want. Unless your story revolves around fashion, you shouldn't idle on detailed descriptions of clothes.
Another place where there is too much description happening is when your OC meets the Mundus guy. The fight that ensues between them outside her home was confusing. It sounds like a pretty hot fight, don't get me wrong, but you need to revise it to put the visuals across in clear sequence.

Yes, my descriptions are long winded. x.x; I get this a lot. Hahaha. But when she's looking at her reflection, I believe it's called for. And even though it's in 3rd person view, there's usually a main person the "camera" (so to speak) will follow. When it's on Keyi, it's written to resemble her mindset and her mindset will go through those details.

Chapter four starts with a fight between Dante and Elias; this will be written 3rd person featuring Dante, and thus things will be told in a Dante-ish sort of way.

But yes, I do know I need to work on my action scenes. x.x; That's the main part my beta readers point out when they read it. I actually just had one of them show me how they'd write a scene in my story. I think I understand what's wrong with what I'm doing now that I've SEEN how it could be better. :/ I seem to learn better from example and just get more confused from explaining! x.x;; /sorry~ From chapter 4 onward, it SHOULD improve. Or at least I'm hoping. Haha!


Characterization:
I'm going to say this, and you may hate me for it, and ignore me if you wish, but I really feel I need to mention this. The banter between Dante and his daughter verges on inappropriate. I put it down to your author voice coming through, because they are short of flirting with one another (and what fangirl really can resist?) whereas most of their other interactions are pretty sweet. I'd suggest you take a little breather after writing a chapter and then come back to it and reread it. Maybe then you'll notice it too?

Also, keep the canons in-character. Dante wouldn't be worried about Nero hitting on his daughter because Nero wouldn't even think of it, so the whole exchange where he tells Nero to keep his hands to himself is a bit OOC.

I figured that WAS in character. Dante's inappropriate altogether and is chock full of cheesy lines. Not to mention, because of being who he is, I see him having no clue at how to react around someone like her. That's why it's somewhat strange. He and Keyi are close, obviously, but he's basically winging everything. Also, I've noticed at canon between fans is different. I read through some threads on here and noticed that I interpret Dante a little differently than some people here. And I'm sure you interpret him differently than others here as well.

Such as, I think his choice in not pursuing a relationship is based solely on the fact that he has abandonment issues. His family was killed when he was just a child; the mental repercussions of this is VAST. He uses his ****y demeanour merely as a mask to cover it up. It's not that he is too free or too much of a badass to fall in love, it's that he knows that things could happen, especially with who he is. Wouldn't want his lover to suffer the same fate as his mother, right?

And he's NOT worried about Nero. He's poking fun at Nero. In chapter three (that I now realise is posted on ff.net and not here :/), Keyi states that Dante will scrape any amount of perversion out of Nero's chivalry that he can. What he's concerned about is if he trains her to fight demons like him, she would go looking for danger; that she'd try to go fight demons for fun and not in defense.

Also, no, I do not hate you at all. :] You just told it like you saw it and nothing wrong with that! I encourage opinion and the sharing of it. <3



Otherwise!!!
I do love the chemistry between your two OCs, the Mundus guy sounds wicked, I'm guessing you're going to use a twisted Romeo&Juliet scenario (or that's what I thought with the whole Sparda Mundus name exchange). So far it all looks really promising and with a bit of work, you can really make this one awesome fic.

Somewhat. :/ Except you know, they're not going to meet on sunday and declare their love for one another by monday and place to elope on tuesday. 9__9; /not a fan of Romeo&Juliet. It's going to have more depth than that and more storyline other than, "HOLY CRAPZORZ YOU A MUNDUS AND I SPARDA? LOVELOVELOVE LOL"

Hahaha.

AAAAND. Because I know I have the tendency to sound MEAN when replying to stuff, I'm actually not. :< I'm explaining my side and hoping to give some clarity. X3 I appreciate the critique IMMENSELY. I figure if you hear my side of it and the reason I do things, stuff might make more sense! 8D And some stuff I feel you did misinterpret...like Dante being concerned about Nero being perverted and gross. Cos I know Nero isn't like that and I never intended for it to come across that way. o__o;

 

[nini dot exe]

Hmm~ I see, I see. :] I will keep it in mind. Thank you muchly for reviewiiinnngg. <3~ You did a good job. /will work harder! Haha.

 

[Cast]

Ugh, wow, really? Some one thought Dante was worried about Nero getting it on with Keyi!? I mean I know you said you got confused at the descriptions but you know, this is different.

though I personally cant see how its confusing, I mean its just a good way of getting across the OC's character, think of all that personality you'd flush down the crapper just because you made her fashion sense less unique.

To make it a little more broad... I read it and I was not confused... not only was I not confused but I was pulled in to the story do to the little details where we got in to Keyi's head... And to top it all off I caught on that Dante was just being a arrogant ass like always! (Maybe you just skimmed threw to Proof read it quickly, I don't know, your the guru not me right?).

But I was really questioning my own judgement on this you know? Maybe its just because I know Nini that I automatically like her writing? Well, I never heard any complaints from my second and third opinion, one being my brother who is REALLY anal about writing (half the reason I gave up writing my own Fanfic, Yea, It was that bad).

Sorry for being late, I've just been so busy as of late, oh the woe's of a mechanic T_T

 

[nini dot exe]

Actually, I don't think I'm the best writer at all or anywhere near publishing material. Try not to make assumptions. Cast tells me his in depth critiques on msn in private. He does tell me when he sees something wrong -- such as several of the misspellings that were originally there and now fixed. He helped me with this plot line too. I trust him to tell me when there is something wrong. He has been doing so for years.

But regardless of anything, I've read through all three chapters of my story thus far and cannot figure out what you're talking about when you say "inappropriate". To me, they're picking at each other. Haven't you heard of the situation where friends will insult one another and say stuff as such because they're that close? That is my aim with their banter. Maybe it's because we're from different areas of the world. I don't know, I have no clue where you're from, but I'm from NY and that's how I speak to my father sometimes. We poke fun at each other. It's not the perfect father daughter relationship and it's definitely pretty awkward, but I never meant for Dante and Keyi's relationship to be perfect. I meant it to be awkward.

And furthermore; it's a trap. If Dante started this "inappropriateness" (which he sometimes does, note; "I keep getting older, they stay the same age" in reference to the girls at Keyi's high school before Keyi said anything that could be seen as inappropriate), I'd be looked at as if I were having Dante come onto her and thus looked at poorly. Same for the contrary.

This doubled with how somehow you got that Dante was actually concerned Nero might do something just tells me you didn't read thoroughly. For someone who's high and proud of their status as someone good with writing, that's a pretty bad mistake. I suggest, as I have always suggested when I get into this sort of thing, you read things twice; once for the recreational part and again for the concrit part. You don't pick up a full length book and go into it planning to critique it, or at least I don't. I pick it up to read and see if I'll enjoy it. After that, I might read it again or I'll think about it and gather my opinion.

But above all, I read it thoroughly. I don't half-ass and I don't skim. What's the point in reading it then?


Don't blow this out of proportion. I have stated that I can sound harsh when responding to concrit and I am a little irked, I admit, because I don't see anything wrong with their banter. It's a difference in opinion, I guess. To me, it's innocent picking at one another. Dante's not good at being a father, it's not something he's very privy to. As the author, I know what my intentions of it were and I felt the need to explain myself. I'm not by any means trying to be a bitch and trying to bash your critique, because I am aware that some of the points you brought up are true.

I do tend to give lengthy descriptions; I do tend to write action scenes awkward for some reason. I'm sure there's a few spelling errors left that I have yet to catch and I'm sure I messed up on grammar somewhere. I did explain in my original post that I was aware that it probably wasn't perfect in the technical aspect and that I was more interested in what was thought of the content.

Yes. I know. And, again, thank you for your time. :/ But I personally don't feel like you read it thoroughly. Maybe, maybe not. I wasn't there.

So yea. In closing, no more fighting and arguing and pointing fingers and I hope all points are addressed. The end!

 

[Meg]

This type of thing happened before with another story on here. Someone gives good honest concrit and it upsets the author and their friends. If you read my guide to writing you'll see something that says "don't scoff at people when they give you advice because chances are they know more than you." I was being serious when I said that. Now look, and this is for everyone, just because you don't see the problem in your work or your friend's work doesn't mean it isn't there. You know what you mean, but the reader doesn't. If something in the concrit confuses you then ask, don't attack. No writing is perfect. Keep in mind Chloe here took the time to read and review your work when others didn't.

 

[nini dot exe]

Alright. For the record, I was responding to Cast, not you. I felt he was defending you by making off that my review was unnecessary.
And actually I read the fic more than just a couple of times. I never skim read. I'm very thorough in my critique.
Concrit is never meant to be taken as a personal attack, which is what you two have clearly taken it as. One of the very few times I decide ah, this person would like some concrit, lemme help out - and I get totally dissed for it. Nice.



That really hurts, y'know. I know I'm not that good a writer, and I never said that I was. I don't have a 'status'. I'm never satisfied with any of my work and I'm always left disappointed because nobody really cares to give ME any concrit to better my skills. I know a lot about writing, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my own writing is fab.

That was actually a really low blow, and incredibly discouraging. But...you know, whatever.

Blown out of proportion. Like I knew you would. I refuse to feed the troll. I admitted my flaws and explained to you what I saw of you and what Cast ACTUALLY was doing. Don't see why you're getting worked up over it. I've said my peace.

This type of thing happened before with another story on here. Someone gives good honest concrit and it upsets the author and their friends. If you read my guide to writing you'll see something that says "don't scoff at people when they give you advice because chances are they know more than you." I was being serious when I said that. Now look, and this is for everyone, just because you don't see the problem in your work or your friend's work doesn't mean it isn't there. You know what you mean, but the reader doesn't. If something in the concrit confuses you then ask, don't attack. No writing is perfect. Keep in mind Chloe here took the time to read and review your work when others didn't.

Friend defending. Guilty of your own bull****. You had no business here and considering you're both teaming up and flaunting your SUCH AMAZING WRITIN' SKILLZ in several threads, I suggest take your "professional English majour" (the real term for what you call "prof writing majour" You don't go to college to WRITE, you go to study ENGLISH) elsewhere.

 

[DreadnoughtDT]

Okay, I thought you were pretty nice, but you're really hurting their feelings, even if you can't see it.

They were trying to be nice, and I will agree with them that Cast did seem to brush off Chloe's review like it was a piece of crap. And to be perfectly honest, I don't know Chloe and Meg pretty well, so I'm going into this pretty unbiased. And quite frankly, you seemed pretty cold.

They're not blowing it out of proportion, that did seem to be a very low blow.

 

[Meg]

@Nini- Excuse me? I am not defending a friend I'm pointing out something I thought maybe you didn't think of to get everyone on the same page. To be honest, you're the one blowing everything out of proportion. Not me and not Chloe. Second. I have no business here? My business is this forum and keeping the peace. I may not be a mod, but that doesn't mean I can't help out when needed. Third. We are not flaunting our "such amazing writin' skillz." That writing help thread was set up as a joke and my guide to writing is a guide. You know something you take into consideration, but don't have to follow to the teeth. Fourth. My university has a prof writing major thank you.

Now then. How's about we all chill out and relax since no good can come from arguing about this.

EDIT: DT ninja'd me.

 

[BlueDevil]

Let's do it this way.

Nini. Two choices.

Do you want concrit, or do you not want it?

If you do, then let's ALL stop this argument right now, and you and your friend need to let anyone who reads this and is willing to do it, give you critique.

If not, then Chloe and Meg, just back away from it and let her do her own thing.

It's that simple.

 

[Cast]

First off, I would like to apologise Chloe, My comment was not intended to blow off your Concrit. It was intended to poke fun at the fact of your misinterprit on Dante's behavior, and also show my own feeling on the things you pointed out as bad, My opinion, not calling your concrit invalid.


That out of the way its nice to see the rest of the comunity jump in and try to solve a fight/debate. Though I wish you came in and saw the actual story instead of the Drama.

@Meg: You give off the impression that you are defending your friend, Just like I was acused of the same (Side note, I was never offended about the critique, I just didnt agree with it as exsplained above). Your second post you declare you and your friend are fine and that Nini is blowing things out of proportion, wich also gives off the impression you are here to defend your friend, so I hope you can see why you got acused of this.

@ DreadnoughtDT: People tend to seem cold when they feel people are double teeming them.

This whole thing was blown out of proportion from the get-go,its my personal belief that it started with some confusion to a minor disagreemant, and turned in to a **** storm, and yea, I'll be the first person to say I contributed to it, even if it was never my intention.Thinking on it I Suppose Sarcasm is never taken to well on the internet.


With this cleared up, and now that every one understands the various points of views to this, I hope the next post is on the Story, not the **** storm... I think if any more words are to be said it should atleast be in PM, or none at all.

I said my peace, anything els I have to say will be Via PM, this thread does not deserve to be spammed by a fight.

 

[nini dot exe]

Let's do it this way.

Nini. Two choices.

Do you want concrit, or do you not want it?

If you do, then let's ALL stop this argument right now, and you and your friend need to let anyone who reads this and is willing to do it, give you critique.

If not, then Chloe and Meg, just back away from it and let her do her own thing.

It's that simple.

I want to be able to DISCUSS the concrit, especially if I feel it's wrong. I even said in both of my replies that I'm not trying to sound harsh and acknowledged that I DO COME OF THAT WAY WITHOUT REALISING IT. I said no more fights, no more arguing.

But apparently people are going to get butthurt when I try to point out they're wrong. It's really funny that everyone here can dish it right the hell out, but once someone tries to counter, they blow everything up.

Meg, you had no business here in this thread. You were not part of the original concrit, you dashed right in just to help Chloe when things were getting rough for her. Chloe is a big girl and doesn't need you to back her up when someone happens to disagree with her. This was NONE of your business. Butt right out. Stop double teaming. I smelled your ass coming to her rescue the moment I posted my reply. PREDICTABLE.

I don't see how I blew anything out of proportion;

I admitted my flaws.
I pointed out where I didn't agree.
I wanted to discuss it further.
I disclaimed several times that I may sound harsh, but I don't mean to. I'm just trying to understand where someone could get such weird ideas from BLATANTLY OBVIOUS words.

Sounds like someone can't distinguish between canon and fanon.

I said don't blow it out of proportion, I said I don't want to fight or argue. Not once did they admit that they were wrong or misinterpreted anything, when they obviously did. I continued to say that I has flaws, that this story wasn't perfect and that I was lacking in areas.

That's really f'ed up. At least I'm able to see the other side and admit my faults.


But really. I'm done with this. I'm sorry I really tried to hold a discussion about something I was genuinely confused about. You little five year olds can just go sit in your sandbox of sensitivity. If this is how you react to someone who tries to reach an understanding with you, you might want to rethink entering the world of writers.

Real deal writers will rip your ass apart and they won't even bat a lash as your butthurt cries. If you can't handle seeing both sides of things and accepting that maybe this isn't your story and the writer is more often times than not right (hey look, something you said in one of your "I'M SO AWESOME AT WRITING I'LL TAKE OVER AS QUEENS OF THIS SUBFORUM" thread), then you need to stand back and take a good look at things.

And finally; why don't you finish your schooling before you declare to be such great critiques. Try learning about voice and style and that they're often misconstrued to be errors. Learn to look deeper between the lines and realise there's a broader message in stories than just what's going on right there in the text.

I will respond to no more of this. The only thing I'm responding to is an apology or someone new reviewing. Even then it'll be brief. I'm not fond of this "gang up on the new kid" bull**** you people have going on here.

In closing, I apologise for sounding harsh, like I already admitted that I sound. I apologise for wanting to discuss this further. I really did re-read all three chapters of my fic looking for what you said was wrong and I genuinely couldn't figure it out. It sounded to me like you didn't read it thoroughly, and I still find it incredibly hard to believe you read my fanfiction more than at most twice. This was probably all because there was no problem other than not being able to distinguish canon from fanon.

 

[Angel]

Wow - this has really gone overboard.

Having read through the comments in detail, I can't see what the big problem is. I'm sorry, but I can't. Concrit was given, debated, accepted and refused in whichever measures were required and no one seemed to like what happened after.

I have to point this out - we are not primarily a fanfic or even general fiction website. We are about Devil May Cry. People are becoming too precious about their writing or their credentials or their abilities and this is causing a lot of drama - unnecessary drama, I might add. Stuff is being taken as personal insult when actually it isn't intended as such - seeing as I am completely objective (my writing skills are right up there with typing monkeys), I can see how offence may have been taken but it most certainly was not intended on ALL SIDES.

But then what do I know? I type like monkeys