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Devil May Cry - Chronicles of a Young Knight

Is this worth continuing?

  • Yes

    Votes: 14 100.0%

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    14
Oh! I see what's going on. You don't need the comma in there. That's what through me off.
 
I do need the comma xD

Intelligent and Two-sided are adjectives describing 'conversations'

so there has to be a comma in between them xP
 
Actually, you only need the comma if it's three or more things. With two things, you don't need a comma separating them.
 
No! This is not dead! I just haven't been in the position to spend time typing up stories because of school. I'll get back to this, I promise you guys.
 
Chapter 1

Tiny white flakes slowly drifted down, lightly sticking to the ground and melting within a moment's notice. The street was wet, reflecting the dim glow of the bright moon, illuminating the puddles of water all around. Street lights buzzed, one of them flickering, trying to stay alive before it finally went out, leaving a small part of the street darkened.

However, none of these things were as bright or eye-catching as the large, bright pink sign on top of one of the buildings. A pair of double doors was stuck right in the middle of the small structure, and right above them were three words. Devil May Cry.

It was silent for a time. No commotion outside. Nothing inside. And then, after a long moment of stillness, the doors slowly whined open. Wearing a black vest with a long, red coat tail fluttering from underneath it, a pair of crimson colored pants tucked under two, black leather boots and a pair of black gloves covering his forearms, Dante stepped forward into the night. Hanging across his back were his two custom-made pistols, Ebony & Ivory, and his precious sword, Rebellion.

A puff of air glided out of his mouth, and he inhaled a bunch of the cold, night air through his nostrils, taking in the feeling of the cool swirling down into his body with a smirk.

"Tonight's a nice night." He said before trekking down the road.

It was only a few moments later that he heard tinier pats on the ground, those of a small pair of shoes carelessly splashing through the water, although they were light and gentle at the same time. Dante stopped, and so did the small person behind him. He sighed, "You know, if you're going to try and sneak out with me, you can at least attempt to be a little quieter, Patty."

The young girl bit her bottom lip as Dante turned to face her, and then raised her short arm to point her childish little finger at him. She hadn't grown much in the last couple of years, but she made up for it by becoming more and more demanding every day, "You promised, you big dope!"

Dante tapped his chin with a finger, innocently, "Promised what? I've made so many promises to you recently that I've forgotten most of them..."

She huffed, "You said the next time you went out on one of your missions, you'd take me with you!"

Dante raised a brow, "I said that?"

"Yes!"

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Dante kicked at the ground, still staring at Patty in her bright blue dress. Her hair was down, stretching below her shoulders. "You funny girl, stop playing tricks on me." Dante said sarcastically, a big goofy grin spreading over his face.

"It's not a trick!" She whined, "It's what you told me!!" She began hopping up and down. Dante couldn't tell if it was from anger, or possibly the need to pee.

"Calm down you nut. Isn't Trish in there? I called her and told her to come watch you...she said she would..."

"You've been in there this whole time and you haven't even noticed that she didn't show up?! And to top that off, you believed she would come watch me in the first place?! Ugh!" Patty stomped her shoe into the ground, a loud clack echoing through the buildings.

"Well...yeah. Damn." Dante stood there and pondered on what to do while Patty began rambling about something else.

He sighed again, "Well, I'm not going to leave you in there by yourself for a long time. With my luck, you'll start breaking things."

"Breaking things?! It wouldn't matter if I did! Everything you've got in there is maybe twenty bucks, tops!"

"Twenty bucks?! Are you insulting me?!"

"I am!"

"Well I'm not buying you a sundae!"

"You were going to get me a sundae?"

"No! No I wasn't!!"

"UGH, you're so mean!"

"You started it. I guess you gotta come with me though. There's nowhere else for you right now." Dante shook his head, a small frown replacing his grin.

"Yay!" She jumped into the air one more time, arms high, and before she landed, she managed to ask Dante, "So where are we going?!"

"To get some grub."

And then she fell down, "And you're taking your weapons?!"

"I didn't say where we were getting the food. For all you know, we could be going into the forest to hunt wild boar."

"I doubt someone like you would do that for real."

"Aw."
 
----I don't need to give you critz because your writing is REALLY good.
So instead I'm going to fangirl on your work.

ANIME DANTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
I don't think anybody actually uses the anime version in their fanfictions except for me, and I'm REALLY happy to see that you're going with him in your fic. And I LOVE Patty. Ohmigosh, you got her so in-character and the 'banter' between her and Dante is priceless! XD LOL, when Dante said he's afraid she'll break his stuff, I thought she was going to tell him 'but all your stuff is already broken!' XDDDDD

This was very good BD. I loved your prologue - and that is one hell of a cool prologue - but I love this first chapter even more.

I'm pretty sure I don't need to say why ;)
 
I don't like his personality much in DMC4. He's good for comic relief and that's about it. I prefer the calmer, less sarcastic version ^.^
 
"So, can I ask where we're eating?" Patty tugged on Dante's coat relentlessly.

Dante shrugged, "Oh, nowhere you'd like, I think. But the owner of the place is a real stud. Who knows...maybe he'll be your boyfriend."

Her eyes suddenly seemed to glitter, the biggest smile Dante had ever seen creeping across her face, "Boyfriend?" She said, stretching the word out over several seconds, "Oh Dante! Is he a real dreamy guy?"

"You know it! I mean, this guy...he's a real keeper. Charming, handsome, funny. He's better than me, that's for sure." Dante snickered.

Patty almost hopped with joy as Dante pointed to one of the small buildings on the crowded street they were on. A small sign in one of the windows flickered. Open. Dante scoffed. It was the only building on this street that was 'open'. Dante knew the guy inside liked company. The big, ugly demon.

Patty tugged on Dante's coat again, this time with force, almost pulling him over, "So Dante! How old is he? Is he a real young guy?!"

Dante chuckled as he pushed open the raggedy door to the small place. "No, he's 367 years old." He said, immediately pulling out Ebony to target the large ogre of a demon huddled in the corner over a few massive pots. Covered in hair with two large, pointy ears, a pair of lazy, red eyes and a few jacked up teeth, the monster grumbled, gnawing on an arm.

Patty feinted.

The demon looked up, "Dante?! I thought you wouldn't be back-"

"Humans again? Can't you find anything else to cook? I wouldn't have bothered you if you'd been cooking up a few cows or something. And hey, I said next time I came over, I wanted a steak, medium-rare. Where's the loving hospitality?" Dante smirked.

The demon stood up from his crouch, coming to a full, slouching, ten feet tall, "Get out of my home!"

"I let you live last time. Your second chance has been spent. Cya." Dante pulled his gun's trigger.

The room lit up for a split second, everything glowing a magnificent yellow from the illumination of Ebony's gun barrel as the bullet spun out, twirling through the air to plunge into the demon's chest. The monster flew back, smashing against the wall, tipping over one of his pots. Severed arms and legs poured out, and boiling liquid started to spread across the floor, leaking in all directions. Not a moment too soon, Dante rolled over and grabbed up the unconscious Patty before the liquid scorched her skin, and jumped away.

Dante landed on a nearby table and looked over the messy, cluttered room at the demon, who was finally regaining his footing. Dante sighed, "Guess I'll need something a little bigger."

Spinning his pistol back into its holster, Dante pulled his sword from his back, "So, fat boy, round two?"

The monster roared, and his breath's putrid stench crept into Dante's nose all of the way from across the room. Dante coughed, "Ew."

Picking up another one of the pots of cooking flesh, the demon heaved it at Dante. Still holding Patty, Dante cut clean through the pot, spilling its contents out into the air. Turning his back to all of the liquid, Dante launched himself toward the lumbering brute. As he flew out of the mist of boiling water, he spun around, extending Rebellion out and chopping the monster in two.

Another second and the demon faded into a cloud of blood, and disappeared without a trace.

"Job done. That was...easy."

Looking at the floor, bits of human were spread everywhere. Dante frowned, "Damn, he's been killing quite a few here recently. I should have killed him when I had the chance."

Dante looked down at Patty, "Ugh. Why did I let you come?"
 
The story is very well written, and quite nicely explained. However, it does have some grammatical errors. As I am sure a lot of my own work also has. But nonetheless, you did ask me to criticise. And I will run down all of the good and the bad.

Your story is very gripping, with your easier and simple explanations alone. So try not to double explain things too much. Once you have already stated his breath had faded in the air, you shouldn’t need to explain that it vanished. You’re essentially repeating the same thing. And to me, it makes it less fun reading it twice. Stick to basic interesting explanations of current actions, activities and surroundings. It’s more engaging to explain more things, and with quick and interesting succession. It makes a story flow a lot easier. But very nicely done so far.

If you’re not being Nero, refer to him as a he. You use his name far too much. If the reader’s are clever enough to grasp which character they are reading about, you shouldn’t have to put ”Nero said, or ‘Nero thought’ too often. Just say ”He muttered to himself, or ‘He thought to himself. This can apply for any character, I was just using Nero as an example. This just makes us feel like we know how to be reading the characters. It also means you don’t have to type his name out fifteen times in a large paragraph. Reading names far too much can get boring easily. Apart from that, the dialogue is nicely written. It’s fantastically engaging.

I noticed some small spelling errors whilst browsing through. May I suggest that you spell check your work. Quote yourself, and look through what needs to be corrected. I always spell check my work, as it is highly important. Some small mistakes where words are jumbled together, or slightly misspelt by a single letter. It makes all the difference. Aside from these tiny mistakes, the story is very enticing; with a nice array of words.

My main concern is that you’re a little bit excessive when it comes to using commas. This was one of my biggest flaws when critiqued about my own work. There are maybe one or two commas in places where they aren’t needed. Use your commas when it comes to slowing the scenario down (Adding suspense) Or where a small pause is needed. Remember that commas are purely used in writing to make it easier to read. This means we don’t have to completely stop reading the sentence, a full stop let’s us know that a certain point has been made and put across. A comma is a simple structure for the flow of the story. And they are very important. Placing them correctly can increase a reader’s attention to your story a lot more. Makes a world of difference, I personally find. Besides that in which I mentioned, it’s still an energetically fun story.

You sometimes miss a few minor things such as question marks. And the word “It’s” means, “it is”. When describing something that belongs to someone, you lose the apostrophe.

Example.

“It’s a nice day” - “It is a nice day”
“I‘ll put this sword in its head”
If I say “I’ll put this sword in it’s head” - It means “I’ll put this sword in it is head”
And that wouldn’t make sense.

To summarise. On a whole though your story is extremely interesting. It had me captivated. The detail and effect you have for story telling left me wanting to read the next part. It’s a very good fix of reading. When I am reading it, I am visualising the story in my head. I am seeing the places, seeing the people, feeling the movement. It’s so good that it’s like reading it and watching it at the same time. Highly entertaining. To me it’s written on the same level as Harry Potter is, only much better. If you finish writing this, I would say for you to shove it under Capcom’s nose. They must appreciate great work.
 
Thank you very very much. I know I have a problem with commas. xD It has been stated once before, so I'll try and look out for that even more now. As for the rest of the errors and repeating of things, I don't doubt it, as this computer does not have a spell check, and seeing as how this is just being typed for fun, I didn't want to get on a completely new site just to see if I spelled a couple of things wrong. But I'll pay more attention from now on.

Also, I'm a glutton when it comes to describing things sometimes, and when you brought up the 'fading' and 'vanishing' thing...the way I had visualized that was that the fading was the act of it, and then the vanishing represented that the breath was comepletely gone.

Again, thanks for the crtique. I appreciate very much ^.^

ESPECIALLY Thank you for the clarification on 'it's'

I've always wondered which one to use when it came to this kind of thing, because in other things (I'll use Nero for example) you would use "Nero's sword..." wouldn't you? Or would that also be "Nero is sword..."???

I don't know, honestly.

I always thought the same thing for 'it's' like "It's sword."

I fail at grammar XD
 
BlueDevil;269818 said:
Thank you very very much. I know I have a problem with commas. xD It has been stated once before, so I'll try and look out for that even more now. As for the rest of the errors and repeating of things, I don't doubt it, as this computer does not have a spell check, and seeing as how this is just being typed for fun, I didn't want to get on a completely new site just to see if I spelled a couple of things wrong. But I'll pay more attention from now on.

~LoD

You're more than welcome :) It's perfectly okay. I think that it happens with any writer. When the work is finished, they go back and correct all types of mistakes. Some finished pieces still contain errors, but nothing is perfect. And you're right. As your story, it is suppose to be fun. And it's a very fun fan fic, which I am hoping you will continue. Also, if you want me to, I'd be more than happy to correct your mistakes. I would then send the corrected version to you via PM for you to place in your previous posts by editing them. Just click to edit and delete the old post. Then paste the new one in and save. Your choice? ^_^

Also, I'm a glutton when it comes to describing things sometimes, and when you brought up the 'fading' and 'vanishing' thing...the way I had visualized that was that the fading was the act of it, and then the vanishing represented that the breath was completely gone.

~LoD

Well you are right in what you are saying, those are essentially both different things. However, my point was that your simpler explanations were good enough. Going into too much detail would cut off interest. So to me, personally, just saying it was fading was enough. But it's your story, not mine. It's only my critique.

Again, thanks for the critique. I appreciate very much ^.^

ESPECIALLY Thank you for the clarification on 'it's'

I've always wondered which one to use when it came to this kind of thing, because in other things (I'll use Nero for example) you would use "Nero's sword..." wouldn't you? Or would that also be "Nero is sword..."???

I don't know, honestly.

I always thought the same thing for 'it's' like "It's sword."

I fail at grammar XD
Click to expand...

~LoD

IT'S okay :P :D I use to make this mistake a lot. However, when I realised it was wrong, I got use to how it was right. If that made any sense at all.

For that you would say "It is a sword"... Or if the sword belonged to anyone, "Its sword". You can't say "It's sword", as like I said, it means "It is".

For Nero, it would be "Nero's sword". I can understand your confusion. What you mean to say is that for people, referring to things that are theirs, you would have the apostrophe. "Nero's sword", "Nero's house", "Nero's way of doing things" So you would of thought the same for its. You didn't realise there would be a difference between the two, but there unfortunately is.

You're extremely welcome about the criticism. Any time, I'm happy to help ^_^


 
WAHAHA I spelled glutton wrong. I'll have a more fleshed out reply for this tomorrow. ^^

EDIT [insert said fleshed out reply]
@LoD: If you would like to go through and edit out the mistakes, then by all means, be my guest ^^
I would very much appreciate it.

One last time, thanks for the critique!! :3
 
OKAY! /finally finished reading through this now that I'm not tired as all hell. 8D!

I think LoD basically fleshed out everything I was gathering to say. :] And while I'm all, "Damn! He beat me to it!" I'm also glad I didn't have to type out tons of DOS AND DON'TS of grammar and spelling. XD;

SO. I will go into detail of my view of the content portion of the story. :3

I actually enjoyed the Nero part the most. You do Nero very well. His childish ridiculousness and his short temper and all. I also find it incredibly amusing how Nero seemed to be highly irritating and absurd...until Loki came around. Hahaha. Then that really got real.

Buuuut, while Loki and what he is, is pretty nifty and creative, it seems a bit out of place for DMC. While DMC is comical, there's always an underlying seriousness to it and I think you may have executed that poorly. While he's laughing while saying "I'll kill you, boy!" he's lacking a certain dark undertone that makes his passive-aggressive statements actual threats. Y'know? XD; I hope I'm explaining this alright...

I liked the DMC anime, but I loved the games and how Dante was in the games better, so the parts with Dante are purely my opinion that it could've just been better with game Dante. The parts with Nero are more my speed, so the Dante bits are just not aimed at me, so to speak. I'm not the right audience to tell you how well you did on that.

I also hate Patty. She's very annoying to me. So...I'll end my opinion there. :3~


OVERALL; nice job. Save for the very FEW grammatical/spelling errors, it's very well written. It's not just tolerable, it's enjoyable. I rarely read fanfiction, because of the hack job of writing people think they're good at. UGH.

And your concept are nice too, though creativity slows down a little when Dante appears. Try to throw in a bit more...though, you probably have planned and just wanted to start it with familiar area. XD;

I will continue reading and telling you my thoughts! I hope I was helpful and continue to be as such in the future. :]

Happy writing!~ ♥
 
everything glowing a magnificent yellow from the illumination of Ebony's gun barrel as the bullet spun out, twirling through the air to plunge into the demon's chest
Click to expand...
I got Matrix-style visuals here. Was that your intention or is it just my overly stimulated imagination? XD

Good work, BD, once again you got the characters spot on. As I've said before, I'm not going to critz this piece because it's clearly just written for fun, and everyone seems willing to do the dirty work anyway. But if you DO ever get tired of them giving you critz, send them my way plz!!! Nobody ever properly critz my work :( *is sad panda*

Will keep an eye out for the next update! ^_^
 
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