Devon K. Ryley;301836 said:
Child birth, pregnancy in general. I don't know WHY it scares me so much, but it does. Just the idea that I'm responsible for another life and that life is living inside of me... It just scares me...like, a LOT. =/
This is probably my greatest fear as well. It's not just the idea that once it happens it can't be reversed, but that you are completely out of control of your own body when it happens, something I feel quite strongly about. My mother said she felt this way also and that at times it simply terrified her. I think it's also frightening in the sense that if it goes wrong, it can go badly wrong... so it's not irrational to be afraid of it.
I have other issues that are related to it, and to me personally it represents the end of my freedom and some of my own identity. So it simply can't happen, ever. When it comes to myself I'm a control freak and I have to have control of my own life and decisions. I feel encumbered and restricted just being in a relationship (it's not a bad relationship, it's just my extreme solitary nature clashing with it), and that is something I can walk away from. Kids you can't.
The other fear I have is that all my past will be dragged up - or I will end up back in a place that reminds me of it - and I'll be made to think about it again. I've spent a lot of time moving as far away as I can (literally) and mentally from my childhood, and now I am almost a completely different person. For that to come back on me would be awful and completely destructive. It's one reason I'm afraid to get back in contact with my estranged father and his family. He respresents a lot of that, and he will bring it all back - not to mention I don't really like him, and they are all so emotionally manipulative people. All he will remember is what I used to be, and I don't think I could stand it. We have talked briefly over email and the first thing he did was to dredge up some awful memories even though I warned him against it. It's really why I don't want to lay eyes on him again, or go back to my home town, or any of that stuff. There are a lot of terrible memories.
Edit: And losing my sight or ability to use my hands to make things.