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The DMC forums Critique thread

DDutchguy

DmC hype
If you have any pieces of writing, fanfic or grocery lists that you'd like feedback on (for instance, if you have Swiss Cheese listed on your list of groceries I'll be sure to let you know that Cheddar is the superior option) then this is the thread for that.

For real though, post anything here that you want any critical feedback on. Even if there is a single sentence in your novel that you're unsure about, post it here to get feedback. Parapgrahs, pages, entire fanfics, etc. are all acceptable here.
 

Rebel Dynasty

Creator of Microcosms
Premium
Hmm, let's see...

Okay, I've decided on a segment. This is the first scene of Chapter Seven in my third novel, "The Mythos Trials".


Reeves switched off the ethereal device, rubbing his temples. Lucas’ recent failure had been somewhat expected, given the deal he had cut with the Moirai. The Fates were not known for giving whole truths, after all, but even so, he had hoped for a different outcome.

He cast a bored look around the cemetery, resting his chin on one gloved hand with his elbow propped on the armrest of his chair. After his prompt takeover of New Orleans, he had claimed Metairie Cemetery for himself. The place was an old stomping ground of sorts, and while not the sentimental type, Reeves had thought it a fitting place with which to rule from—especially considering it had been here that he had conducted the ritual that led to the Spectrum’s downfall.

Barely a soul stirred at this late hour, save for the few troops guarding the grounds. With a discontented sigh, Reeves rose from his throne, the shadowy chair vanishing in a puff of air. There was work to be done, and as long as there was, he couldn’t afford to be lounging about.

“Kizah, Misa.” He gestured toward the two Akuma who, until that moment, had been standing sentry on either side of the monument he’d erected his throne in front of. “I need you to hold down the fort. Make sure Cife stays vigilant at the south gate. I don’t want any more stragglers getting in, you hear me?”

“As you wish, Master.” Misa bowed, her heavily scarred right eye narrowed, though the left was bright with interest. “Where should we tell Lady Iris you are, if she asks?”

“Tell her I’m taking care of unresolved business in Mythos.” Reeves offered the female Akuma a lopsided grin, then turned his attention to her larger male counterpart. “Ensure that she and Lord Set have use of whatever troops they require, should those dogs come out of hiding.” He felt his lip curl at this last, disdain twisting in his gut like a venomous cobra.

True, their takeover of many of Earth’s major cities had gone off without a hitch, particularly lacking anyone from the council to stop them. And the humans? Ha! Their paltry forces were enough to make him double over, laughing. No matter how many tanks, how many fighter jets and bombs they had at their disposal, it would never be enough to put paid to his plans. As agreed, Lady Iris had gone with Set, holding the lands in the east while he took over western civilization.

Reeves barely took notice of Kizah’s acknowledgement, his thoughts drifting toward his next course of action. His steps were slow, measured, as he travelled between the rows of plinths. Some bore simple markers, while others had been carved into more elaborate forms; angels, chess pieces, saints… It was enough to make him laugh out loud. What would the people think, if they knew what truly awaited them in the afterlife? Would they recoil in fear, or would they embrace it?

It wasn’t long before he reached the portal, its steady thrum filling the dead silence of night, radiating something both cool and electrifying at its core. If not for New Orleans’ balmy weather, Reeves might have shivered; such was the power of the portal Set had created. He hoped there would come a time when he and Her Ladyship would be rid of him, just as they had rid themselves of Apophis.

So far, however, Set had treated them fairly, giving them the power they had yearned for and the freedom to wield it. Perhaps we’ll keep him around, at least long enough to take over the rest of this wretched rock.

If he played it right, maybe he could convince Lady Iris to dispatch the Destroyer God to whatever awaited him in the afterlife, and they could rule this world, side by side. But he knew they would never stop there; no, Lady Iris was too ambitious to be content with one realm for long. They would take them all, and without the council and the Regulations Force, there would be no one to stop them. What few gods had made it onto this side were nothing—it was only a matter of time before their luck ran out, and they failed to protect the realm they’d helped create.

This thought alone brought a smile to Reeves’ lips, and he felt his muscles relax. The smile faded as quickly as it had come when his thoughts returned to the present, however. First, he would have to do something about the firebird and his companions. Lucas’ failure left no margin for error. If Reeves didn’t take control of the situation, it would only be a matter of time before his carefully laid plans toppled like a house of cards.

And if I’m the one to deal with the girl, then I’ll no longer be honour-bound to fulfill my end of the bargain, Reeves reasoned. After all, if Lucas himself wasn’t the one to send the girl to her death, then what right did he have to expect Reeves to uphold his end?

And in the grand scheme of things, what were Lucas’ concerns to him, anyway? What did he care if the human-turned-demon was one of Chronos’ failed candidates from two hundred years ago? Why should he care one wit about his desire for revenge against Chronos’ rightful successor, of his mistaken view that his rightful place had been usurped? When compared to everything he and Lady Iris had been working toward for so long, Lucas’ problems were not but trifling matters.

With this thought in mind, Reeves stepped into the portal, intent on finishing what he and Her Ladyship has started. And once he succeeded, Lucas’ services would no longer be required…
 
Last edited:

DDutchguy

DmC hype
Hmm, let's see...

Okay, I've decided on a segment. This is the first scene of Chapter Seven in my third novel, "The Mythos Trials".


Reeves switched off the ethereal device, rubbing his temples. Lucas’ recent failure had been somewhat expected, given the deal he had cut with the Moirai. The Fates were not known for giving whole truths, after all, but even so, he had hoped for a different outcome.

He cast a bored look around the cemetery, resting his chin on one gloved hand with his elbow propped on the armrest of his chair. After his prompt takeover of New Orleans, he had claimed Metairie Cemetery for himself. The place was an old stomping ground of sorts, and while not the sentimental type, Reeves had thought it a fitting place with which to rule from—especially considering it had been here that he had conducted the ritual that led to the Spectrum’s downfall.

Barely a soul stirred at this late hour, save for the few troops guarding the grounds. With a discontented sigh, Reeves rose from his throne, the shadowy chair vanishing in a puff of air. There was work to be done, and as long as there was, he couldn’t afford to be lounging about.

“Kizah, Misa.” He gestured toward the two Akuma who, until that moment, had been standing sentry on either side of the monument he’d erected his throne in front of. “I need you to hold down the fort. Make sure Cife stays vigilant at the south gate. I don’t want any more stragglers getting in, you hear me?”

“As you wish, Master.” Misa bowed, her heavily scarred right eye narrowed, though the left was bright with interest. “Where should we tell Lady Iris you are, if she asks?”

“Tell her I’m taking care of unresolved business in Mythos.” Reeves offered the female Akuma a lopsided grin, then turned his attention to her larger male counterpart. “Ensure that she and Lord Set have use of whatever troops they require, should those dogs come out of hiding.” He felt his lip curl at this last, disdain twisting in his gut like a venomous cobra.

True, their takeover of many of Earth’s major cities had gone off without a hitch, particularly lacking anyone from the council to stop them. And the humans? Ha! Their paltry forces were enough to make him double over, laughing. No matter how many tanks, how many fighter jets and bombs they had at their disposal, it would never be enough to put paid to his plans. As agreed, Lady Iris had gone with Set, holding the lands in the east while he took over western civilization.

Reeves barely took notice of Kizah’s acknowledgement, his thoughts drifting toward his next course of action. His steps were slow, measured, as he travelled between the rows of plinths. Some bore simple markers, while others had been carved into more elaborate forms; angels, chess pieces, saints… It was enough to make him laugh out loud. What would the people think, if they knew what truly awaited them in the afterlife? Would they recoil in fear, or would they embrace it?

It wasn’t long before he reached the portal, its steady thrum filling the dead silence of night, radiating something both cool and electrifying at its core. If not for New Orleans’ balmy weather, Reeves might have shivered; such was the power of the portal Set had created. He hoped there would come a time when he and Her Ladyship would be rid of him, just as they had rid themselves of Apophis.

So far, however, Set had treated them fairly, giving them the power they had yearned for and the freedom to wield it. Perhaps we’ll keep him around, at least long enough to take over the rest of this wretched rock.

If he played it right, maybe he could convince Lady Iris to dispatch the Destroyer God to whatever awaited him in the afterlife, and they could rule this world, side by side. But he knew they would never stop there; no, Lady Iris was too ambitious to be content with one realm for long. They would take them all, and without the council and the Regulations Force, there would be no one to stop them. What few gods had made it onto this side were nothing—it was only a matter of time before their luck ran out, and they failed to protect the realm they’d helped create.

This thought alone brought a smile to Reeves’ lips, and he felt his muscles relax. The smile faded as quickly as it had come when his thoughts returned to the present, however. First, he would have to do something about the firebird and his companions. Lucas’ failure left no margin for error. If Reeves didn’t take control of the situation, it would only be a matter of time before his carefully laid plans toppled like a house of cards.

And if I’m the one to deal with the girl, then I’ll no longer be honour-bound to fulfill my end of the bargain, Reeves reasoned. After all, if Lucas himself wasn’t the one to send the girl to her death, then what right did he have to expect Reeves to uphold his end?

And in the grand scheme of things, what were Lucas’ concerns to him, anyway? What did he care if the human-turned-demon was one of Chronos’ failed candidates from two hundred years ago? Why should he care one wit about his desire for revenge against Chronos’ rightful successor, of his mistaken view that his rightful place had been usurped? When compared to everything he and Lady Iris had been working toward for so long, Lucas’ problems were not but trifling matters.

With this thought in mind, Reeves stepped into the portal, intent on finishing what he and Her Ladyship has started. And once he succeeded, Lucas’ services would no longer be required…

I've sent you a PM with what I have to say. Overall, this was quite a good piece and most of my issues are minor. Good work!
 
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