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Shadows (Revision 01)

DreadnoughtDT

God of Hyperdeath
Premium
Supporter 2014
Shadows
By
Nathan Jones




Chapter 1: Taken

I sat in my desk and looked at the clock. 3:13. I sighed. Two more minutes of hell, then comes Summer break. Great. I looked at the polished desk, and a disfigured reflection looked back. I winced. "I'm not that ugly..." I muttered to myself. I'm not one to brag, but I'm not too bad looking. Dark hair, black, mysterious eyes, and good muscles. Of course, those muscles aren't from working out. I was born with a heart condition that prevents me from that. Derek, my friend who sits next to me, tapped me on the shoulder, bounding me out of my thoughts. "So, Jack, you got any big plans for the Summer?" I shook my head. "No. I'm just gonna eat, sleep, breathe, and play video games. Like usual." He smirked. "Yeah, that sounds like you."

I stole another glance at the clock. 3:14. I groaned. "why does waiting for something make it take longer?" I asked Derek. He just shrugged and smirked. Just then, the clock turned 3:15 and the bell rang. I jumped out of my seat and grabbed my bookbag, then briskly walked out of the classroom.

It took me fifteen minutes to get outside, because Derek wanted to talk. I finally managed to slip away and get outside. I checked my watch. 3:30. "Boy is mom gonna be steamed..." I thought aloud. I started walking back home. My house was a fair ways away from school, so it's at least a half-hour walk. Along the way I noticed something peculiar though. There was this black sedan that kept following me... I stopped, it stopped. I turned, it turned. I kept walking briskly, and, against my better judgment, started to sprint. The sedan immediately gave chase, and I found myself running for pretty much my life until I got home, upon which it sped away. I got inside quickly, bolting the door shut. My mom was indeed furious with me. Spouting crap at me like: "Where have you been, young man?" And crap like that. I completely ignored her and went upstairs, flopping down on my bed to watch TV and play some games.

Time passed like no one's business, and soon I found myself in bed, asleep.

The next day, I had totally forgotten about the sedan incident. I wish I hadn't. I went outside to take my early-morning walk, which I do every day. However, my route takes me through several alleys. It was in one of these alleys that I was jumped by two big men in black suits.

I screamed and yelled and flailed, but it was no use. These guys weren't gonna let go. One of them, a big bald guy, put a finger to his ear. "We got him. He was tested compatible. Take us to Delta Base as soon as we get in the car."

Once he had me in the car, I passed out. I had probably strained myself too much, and my body shut down so my heart could recuperate.

About fifteen minutes later, I awoke. Just in time, too, because the big guy who grabbed me shoved me out. Hard. I managed to plant my feet on the ground before I fell. The other guys got out of the car and stood in front of me. Two of them I recognized as the big guys who jumped me. The third I didn't recognize, and he was so wiry I was surprised the wind didn't blow him away. He smirked.

"Well, Simmons. It looks like you did something right for once." He pointed at me, then pointed behind himself. "You come with me, got it?"

I merely crossed my arms and regarded him with an expression that read "Bite me."

His confident smirk disappeared and he pulled out a pistol. "You don't have a choice, kid."

I put my hands up instinctively, and spoke feebly. "My name's Jack... Not kid..."

The thin guy whispered something in his earphone and a large industrial building seemed to appear out of nowhere behind him. 'Okay....' I thought. 'This is getting freaky...'

Once they'd led me inside, I was needlessly frisked for weapons and then directed to an old man in doctor's apparel. His glasses seemed to flash when he saw me. "Hello, Jack. I'm Dr. Coffman. I'll be administering a serum to cure your heart condition. But first... One very important question."

I nodded, telling him to go on.

"What's your favorite animal?"

I raised one eyebrow. "What? You're joking, right? Why would you need information like that?"

The doctor just laughed. "It's very important. And the animal can be real or fictional."

I thought for a moment, long and hard. Finally, I came up with an answer. "Dragons. They're big, tough, and they can fly. Plus, they look pretty cool as well."

He jotted something down on his notepad and led me to a small, empty room with reflective metal sides. "Hey doc, I don't think you've been at this job for very long. This seems like the wrong-" I was cut off as the door closed behind me. "Figures..." I muttered. I looked around carefully. The room was empty. I went to sit in the corner, but whirled around when I heard a whirring noise. A metal tube had come out of the wall, and a light blue gas was pouring forth.

I didn't have time to react. By the time I'd tried to hold my breath, I had already inhaled a lungfull.

My body started burning, and my skin started to flake off, like a bad sunburn. However, there wasn't new skin under the dead stuff. It was scales, black with red markings. My feet changed after that, the toes melting away, then forming back. One in the back, three in the front, with long black claws. My knees snapped backwards, the bones cracking and snapping as they warped, and the muscles gained in size. I felt a dull ache at the base of my spine, and took a horrified look behind me, seeing a new, four foot long tail. The burning sensation reached my chest, and I started to pant because my organs felt like they were shifting around. My arms didn't change much. They just gained in size a bit, and my fingers grew claws as well. My back started to burn, and I hunched over on the ground. Two long fissures opened on my back, and long wings that were as big as I was sprang forth, wet and bloody. Finally, I watched on the reflective walls as the last of my humanity was destroyed. My face elongated into a snout, my hair turned from it's normal black to fiery red, and my eyes turned from black to ice blue, and were now slitted.

I fell over, panting and sobbing silently. The thin man walked in, wearing a gas mask and leaned over me. "You will be a god among humans." He said.

I gritted my teeth. "That's... Bull..." I said between pants, and spat at him. He wiped the spit off his mask and kicked me in the temple, knocking me out.
 

DreadnoughtDT

God of Hyperdeath
Premium
Supporter 2014
Here's a revised and improved version, made with the help of Nic. Thanks man. ^_^

Chapter 1: Taken

I sat in my desk and looked at the clock. 3:13. I sighed. Two more minutes of hell, then comes Summer break. Great, I looked at the polished desk, and a disfigured reflection looked back. I winced. "I'm not that ugly..." I muttered to myself. I'm not one to brag, but I'm not too bad looking. I have dark hair, black, mysterious eyes, and good muscles. Of course, those muscles aren't from working out. I was born with a heart condition that prevents me from that. Derek, my friend who sits next to me, tapped me on the shoulder, bounding me out of my thoughts.



"So, Jack, you got any big plans for the Summer?"



I shook my head. "No. I'm just gonna eat, sleep, breathe, and play video games, like usual."



He smirked. "Yeah, that sounds like you." I stole another glance at the clock. 3:14 and groaned.

"Why does waiting for something make it take longer?" I asked Derek. He just shrugged and smirked. Just then, the clock turned 3:15 and the bell rang. I jumped out of my seat and grabbed my book bag, then quickly weaved through the desks to get out of the classroom. As I passed the teacher, I could feel her staring at me, a shiver running down my spine.

It took me fifteen minutes to get outside, because Derek wanted to talk. When I finally managed to slip away into the crowd and make it outside, I checked my watch. 3:30.



"Boy is mom’s gonna be steamed..." I thought aloud. I started walking back home, staring at the cracked sidewalk. My house was a fair ways away from school, so it's at least a half-hour walk. Along the way I noticed something peculiar though. There was this black sedan with tinted windows that kept following me. When I stopped, it stopped. When I turned, it turned. I kept walking briskly, and, against my better judgment, started to sprint. The sedan immediately gave chase, and I found myself running for my life. As I got home, the sedan sped away. I ran inside quickly, bolting the door shut and leaned against it, my breath coming out in ragged gasps. My mom was indeed furious with me. Spouting crap at me like: "Where have you been, young man?" And crap like that. I completely ignored her and bounded upstairs. I walked down the hall toward my bedroom, the soft blue carpet muffling my footsteps. I opened my door and tossed my book bag into a corner and flopped down on my bed to watch TV, but there was nothing good on this afternoon, I played some games instead.

Time passed like by quickly, and soon I dozed off.

The next day, I had totally forgotten about the sedan incident. I wish I hadn't. I went outside to take my early-morning walk, which I do every day. The bad thing was my route takes me through several alleyways and in one of them I was jumped by two heavily muscled men in black suits.

I struggled, trying to get away, but I couldn’t break free. These guys aren't gonna let go, I thought. One of them, a big bald guy, put a finger to his ear. "We got him. He was tested compatible. Take us to Delta Base as soon as we get in the car."

They then forced me into the car, where I passed out. I had probably strained myself too much, and my body shut down so my heart could recuperate.

About fifteen minutes later, I regained consciousness. Just in time, too, because the big guy who grabbed me shoved me out, hard. I managed to plant my feet on the ground, regaining my balance before I fell. I looked around. I was in a part of the city I had never been in before. There were many old abandoned factories and a few homeless roaming the street. That was when I noticed something strange about the homeless. They seemed to have small microphones in their ears and occasionally, one would put his hand up to it and talk. Just then, the three guys got out of the car and stepped in front of me. Two of them I recognized as the big guys who jumped me. The third I didn't recognize. He had grey-blond hair and his skin was pale. He was so skinny that I was surprised the wind didn't blow him away.

He smirked, his thin lips blood red. "Well, Simmons. It looks like you did something right for once." He pointed at me, then pointed behind himself. "You come with me, got it?"

I merely crossed my arms, leaned against the car, and I regarded him with an expression that read "Bite me."

His confident smirk disappeared as he pulled out a pistol with a long black silencer attached to the end of the barrel. "You don't have a choice, kid."

I put my hands up instinctively, and spoke quickly. "My name's Jack, not kid..."

The thin guy whispered something in his earphone and started heading toward a large industrial building. It was 4 stories high and the walls were made of brick. As I walked closer, I noticed that the walls were actually made of metal painted to look like brick. Okay, I thought. This is getting freaky...

Once they'd led me inside, I was needlessly frisked for weapons. I was then led down a long stainless steel hallway toward a small door marked with a radioactive sign. It gave me goose bumps just to look at it. As we entered, I was directed to an old man in doctor's apparel. His skin was slightly wrinkled and pale and he was losing his grey hair. His glasses seemed to flash when he saw me and his dark green eyes shined with malicious intent. "Hello, Jack. I'm Dr. Coffman. I'll be administering a serum to cure your heart condition. But first I have one very important question."

I nodded, indicating him to go on. Can it be possible? I thought hopefully.

"What's your favorite animal?" Dr. Coffman asked, smiling slyly.

I raised my eyebrows, confusion showing on my face. "What? You're joking, right? Why would you need information like that?"

The doctor laughed, but stopped as he started cough. "It's very important. And the animal can be real or fictional."

My face scrunched up as I thought long and hard. Finally, I came up with an answer. "Dragons. They're big, tough, and they can fly. Plus, they look pretty cool as well."

He jotted something down on his notepad and led me to a small, empty room with reflective metal sides.



"Hey doc, I don't think you've been at this job for very long. This seems like the wrong-" I was cut off as the door closed behind me, a hiss indicating that it was sealed airtight. "Figures..." I muttered. I looked around carefully. The room was empty. I went to sit in the corner, but whirled around when I heard a whirring noise. A metal tube had come out of the wall, and a light blue gas was pouring forth. I didn't have time to react, and by the time I had tried to hold my breath, I had already inhaled a lungful of the strange gas.

My body started burning, and my skin started to flake off, like I had a bad sunburn. However, there wasn't new skin under the dead stuff. It was scales, black with red markings. My feet changed after that, the toes melted away, and then formed back. One in the back, three in the front, with long black claws. My knees snapped backwards, the bones cracking and snapping as they warped, and the muscles grew in size. I felt a dull ache at the base of my spine, and took a horrified look behind me, seeing a new, four foot long tail. The burning sensation reached my chest, and I started to scream in pain. My organs felt like they were shifting around. My arms didn't change much. They just grew a little and my fingers lengthened and claws formed at the ends. My back started to burn, and I hunched over on the ground. Two long fissures opened on my back, and long wings that were as big as I was sprang forth, wet and bloody. Finally, I watched on the reflective walls as the last of my humanity was destroyed. My face elongated into a snout, my teeth sharpened, my hair turned from its normal black to fiery red, my eyes became ice blue, and my pupils were thin and snakelike. Even my tongue became changed. It became thin and forked like a snakes tongue.

I fell over and started sob silently, my breaths coming out in bursts. The thin man walked in, wearing a black army gas mask and leaned over me. "You will be a god among humans." He said.

I gritted my teeth. "That's... Bull..." I said between gasps, and spat at him. He wiped the spit off his mask and kicked me in the temple and I blacked out.
 

DreadnoughtDT

God of Hyperdeath
Premium
Supporter 2014
Thanks for all the nice comments, guys. ^_^

Chapter 2: Cheryl

When I awoke, I was tied to an operating table, and my chest ached considerably. I reached down to rub the pain away, and felt several bristles. They were stitches. It seemed they had operated on me while I was unconscious. I then looked around the room. The walls were white and seemed to give off light, making it hard to look at them. There was a sink in the corner and small table beside me with medical tools on them. A few of them were still bloody. If I could just reach one of them, I may be able to cut myself free. I thought as I tried to reach for the table. The nearest one was just out of reach. If only the table was a little closer… At that moment, door opened and the thin man walked in, closing the door behind him. I quickly jerked my hand away from the table. Hopefully the thin man hadn’t seen what I was doing.

He untied me silently. Once I was untied, I wanted to deck him. That would show him...

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." He said calmly.

I twitched. How did he...?

"Don't look so surprised. I've done this longer than you think. I know how they act.” He wore a superior expression on his face.

I tried to look intimidating, but he just laughed.

"You don't scare me, kid. You think you're the first one to look at me like that?"

I gritted my teeth and got up, rubbing my arms. The man pointed at the door. "When you leave this room, go to Cell Block C. That's your new home."

I grudgingly got up and stretched, yawning. Involuntarily, my wings moved when my arms did, and I accidentally hit the thin guy.

"Hey! Watch the wings! Are you BLIND?" He yelled furiously.

I quickly withdrew my wings. "Sorry..." I said hastily. He glared at me one last time before he walked out of the room, mumbling. "Dumb kid should be grateful we fixed his damn heart..."

I sighed and walked out, shuffling slowly because I wasn't used to my new legs. I stumbled a few times, but never fell. However, one of my stumbles got me a less-than-savory reward. I stumbled into another mutant! He wore armor plating all over his body, and his short snout was baring razor teeth.

"You watch where you walk, new guy."

Another mutant, a wolf, walked in front of me. His fur was black as well as his eyes. There seemed to be a jagged scar on the right side of his jaw as though someone had torn it open. His teeth where slightly yellow, but I could tell that they were extremely sharp, and one of them was chipped.

"Let's teach the newbie how things roll around here." The wolf mutant growled.

I swallowed hard. There was no way I'd be able to take these guys, even if they were my size. The wolf stepped in front of me, his fingers curled into fists as he pulled back his arm.

"Rule one..." He began, and then punched me hard enough to send me flying into the wall. "You don't mess with the veterans. That's us." The armored one stepped forward.

"Rule two..." He punched me in the ribs as I got back up, cracking one. "You don't mess with any of us."

"Rule three..." The wolf began again, but was cut off as someone else grabbed his arm, stopping him from punching me again.

"That is enough." It was a woman's voice. She spoke low, but forcefully. "What did he do to you?" I risked a glance past the male wolf. There was another wolf, a woman, with a slender build and beautiful gray eyes and light brown fur. The male wolf growled at her.

"Cheryl! What did I tell you about defending these guys? Their kind are scum.” He spat at me.

Cheryl's eyes narrowed."I don't much care what you tell me, Clyde."

Clyde growled again, baring his teeth. "What're you gonna do to me, huh? I’ll tell you what you are gonna do. You are gonna do nothing! I'm ten years older than you!" He spat as he stepped forward, ready for a fight.

Cheryl's face hardened. "Fine. You've forced my hand." Before Clyde could say anything else, Cheryl kicked him in the gut, then grabbed him by his back and threw him into the armored mutant. They both got up, but she kicked the wolf into the wall, denting it some and falling to the floor unconscious. The armored mutant backed away slowly as he realized he couldn’t win. Cheryl then indicated me to follow her as she started to walk in the direction of C Block. When they reached it, she started laughing and looked me, smiling. "That was fun, wasn't it?" I was about to reply when my rib suddenly started to hurt.

I groaned. "Yeah, except for the part where I was punched twice..." I said as I winced at the pain.

Cheryl laughed. "Don't worry. Clyde won't bother you anymore, at least, not for a while."

I smiled, and then looked at Cheryl with a serious expression. "Why did you save me? You don't even know me."

Cheryl's face was serious. "There was something about you that made you seem special."

I furrowed my brow. "Special?"

Cheryl smiled. "You seem really nice. Not like the others."

I nodded. "I'm no bully. I'd never hurt someone unless I had to."

Cheryl tilted her head to one side. "Then why didn't you hit Clyde?"

I sighed. "I'm not used to my new body yet. I can barely walk, much less fight."

Just then, someone in a prison guard uniform walked up to us. "Get in your cells. Both of you, now."

Cheryl sighed and looked at me, still smiling. "See you later." She said sweetly.

"Yeah..." I said distantly. Then I was ushered into a prison cell, and the heavy iron door was locked behind me. There was a bed and toilet. That was it. Unlike most depictions, however, it was surprisingly clean. Well, for the most part. The back corner was stained with blood, urine and.... Something else. I sighed. "I guess things like that can't be helped..." Suddenly, I felt very tired. Probably my body catching up with the energy expended from that fight. I stripped off all my clothes and fell asleep on the bed, not even bothering to cover myself.
 

DreadnoughtDT

God of Hyperdeath
Premium
Supporter 2014
The crazy demon;241156 said:
Just as the original shadows, i like this one man

Thanks. ^_^

Thanks to Nic's editing skills, this is probably 100 times better than it was before. Thanks, Nic. *thumbs up*
 

Nicodemus Zamoran

The Hellslayer Knight
DreadnoughtDT;241207 said:
Thanks. ^_^

Thanks to Nic's editing skills, this is probably 100 times better than it was before. Thanks, Nic. *thumbs up*

Thanks. But you get most of the glory. It is your story after all.
 

BlueDevil

Super Penguin Number 2
Premium
Nice, as always, I love the description of the transformation...and yay wolf-people xD!
 

Dante's Stalker

"Outrun this!"
Premium
Supporter 2014
I have cometh to leave the reviewetheth! :D

Layout - easy to read, no confusion, so big thumbs up to that.
Descriptions - top notch :)
Main character - seems like a good kid, has me backing him up 100% anyway.
Story itself - intriguing.

Now for the con critz (dun dun dun)
Chapter 1
It's mentioned that Jack has a heart condition - this works well and makes it believable that he would just pass out when put under sudden high stress, such as being abducted. Where it fails is that it is used as explanation to why he can't work out physically, yet he's big muscled? We're talking about a 15 year old, right? Generally boys that age are skinny and don't start to get any muscle build until a year or two later. I just find it a tease (in a bad way) that it would be mentioned he's buff but no explanation for it is given. Is it his genetics? Are the people in his family naturally giants? See all the questions that one little line evokes?

There is also a lot of smirking going on throughout the chapter. Watch out for repetition, see if you can put it in a more creative way than 'he smirked'. One may grin, the other may smirk, yet another might speak with a smile in his voice.

Chapter 1&2
I noticed the lack of the word 'said' being used. When it is used an adjective is latched onto it, or it's completely left out and replaced with actions instead 'he laughed, she smiled, he sighed'. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, some writers find the word 'said' to be too bland and simple, and some even get published without using it much (eg. Twilight, where 'said' is as scarce as spotting an actual vampire) BUT 'said' is one of those little words your mind doesn't linger on when you read a book, yet it achieves what it needs to in terms of informing the reader who is at word. Don't be afraid to use just plain old 'said'.


...and...that is all, I think. Good job at keeping the story true to itself during your revision. A lot of writers actually change EVERYTHING when they revise, which defeats the purpose of revising.
 

DreadnoughtDT

God of Hyperdeath
Premium
Supporter 2014
Chloe_Ryder;241747 said:
I have cometh to leave the reviewetheth! :D

Layout - easy to read, no confusion, so big thumbs up to that.
Descriptions - top notch :)
Main character - seems like a good kid, has me backing him up 100% anyway.
Story itself - intriguing.

Now for the con critz (dun dun dun)
Chapter 1
It's mentioned that Jack has a heart condition - this works well and makes it believable that he would just pass out when put under sudden high stress, such as being abducted. Where it fails is that it is used as explanation to why he can't work out physically, yet he's big muscled? We're talking about a 15 year old, right? Generally boys that age are skinny and don't start to get any muscle build until a year or two later. I just find it a tease (in a bad way) that it would be mentioned he's buff but no explanation for it is given. Is it his genetics? Are the people in his family naturally giants? See all the questions that one little line evokes?

There is also a lot of smirking going on throughout the chapter. Watch out for repetition, see if you can put it in a more creative way than 'he smirked'. One may grin, the other may smirk, yet another might speak with a smile in his voice.

Chapter 1&2
I noticed the lack of the word 'said' being used. When it is used an adjective is latched onto it, or it's completely left out and replaced with actions instead 'he laughed, she smiled, he sighed'. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, some writers find the word 'said' to be too bland and simple, and some even get published without using it much (eg. Twilight, where 'said' is as scarce as spotting an actual vampire) BUT 'said' is one of those little words your mind doesn't linger on when you read a book, yet it achieves what it needs to in terms of informing the reader who is at word. Don't be afraid to use just plain old 'said'.


...and...that is all, I think. Good job at keeping the story true to itself during your revision. A lot of writers actually change EVERYTHING when they revise, which defeats the purpose of revising.

I see...

I probably should explain a bit more. I meant "well-muscled" as in "attractive". I should change that a bit.

And I try not to use "said" for the reasons stated, but... You have a point.
 
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