Ronan
oakheart
Okay, so this is my first shot at a Devil May Cry fanfiction. Strictly humor, but you know how it is. Lemme know what you think, hmm?
Thanks to all who helped!
Chapter One
Milk….Eggs….Paper towels….Is that it? Maybe I should check again. Vergil stood in the middle of the Produce Section of Steve’s Shopping Emporium, his eyes rooted to a crinkled piece of paper that contained the small list of items he had spent a good fifteen minutes collecting.
“Vergil.”
I could’ve sworn that I wrote down cheese.
“Hey, Vergil.”
Wait, why would I write down cheese? I hate cheese.
“Dammit Vergil! Pay attention!”
Maybe it was--The thought was cut short when a large head of cabbage struck him in the back of his head. He stumbled forward a few steps before tearing his eyes away from the list to glare at a laughing Dante who was holding another head of cabbage and a large black box.
“What on God’s green earth do you have now?”
Dante looked down at the items he held.“What? This? This is a cabbage.”
“Not that you idiot! The box!”
“Oh, that. This little guy’s what I’ve been meaning to ask you about. You see, it’s a complex battery that--”
“Put it back. It’s not on the list.”
Dante frowned.“So? I need it.”
“You should’ve put it on the list.”
Dante threw the cabbage at Vergil’s head with surprising accuracy. The elder twin caught it at the last moment and sent it back at Dante, who dodged, causing the vegetable to connect with an elderly woman’s head with a thud. Dante laughed hysterically as she fell to the ground.
“Nice aim, Vergie!”
Vergil stalked up to him and grabbed him by the collar of his grungy black T-shirt.
“You are to return that box to wherever you found it, now, and if you ever call me Vergie again I will gut you like a fish and strangle you with your own entrails.” After a few seconds that was spent glaring murderously at his younger twin, Vergil released him. Dante scowled.
“Jeez, Vergil, don’t get your panties in a bunch. We’re sixteen, not fifty.”
“Go!”
Dante left quickly, only pausing to laugh once more at the old lady who was struggling to her feet. Vergil sighed, and returned to his list.
There’s the cheese. Should I get it though? I don’t even see what it’s doing there, it’ll probably just rot in the--His thoughts were interrupted once more as Dante shoved him to the ground and took off with the shopping cart. Vergil leapt to his feet and looked around for any sign of where he had gone. Unfortunately the sign came in the form of the store alarm going off as Dante left the building.
“Dammit!” Vergil screamed before running after him. He was nearly at the door when two rather burly men stopped him.
“Are you with him?” One asked, jerking his thumb in the direction of the retreating Dante.
Vergil sighed.
“Yes, and if you don’t mind, I have to go catch him.” He tried to shove past them, but was once again stopped.
“Pay first.”
“You can’t be serious.”
The guard held out his hand. Vergil growled.
“Fine.” He dug some crumpled bills out of his pocket and shoved them into the man’s hand. “I put a little extra in there for you. It must be rough to have a monosyllabic vocabulary.”
That comment had earned him two hours at the station. By the time Vergil got home Dante was waiting for him with…the shopping cart? Vergil blinked. Dante, by some miracle of nature, had reconstructed the little cart into a fully motorized vehicle.
“You like what you see? It took a while, but with the engine I took from your car--”
“You took the engine out of my car?!”
“Well, yeah. I wasn’t going to ruin MY car.” Dante paused when he saw a vein pop out from his brother’s forehead.
“Why?!”
Dante shrugged.“I wanna pick up chicks. You’re gonna help.”
“The hell I will!”
Dante sighed, and watched as Vergil began to pull at his hair.
“My car! You ruined my car!” Over the span of three minutes the ground began to become littered with little strands of silver hair.
“So…you’re sure you don’t wanna come with me?”
“Pretty damn sure!!”
“Okay then.” He walked up to Vergil, who spun around just in time to see a bat fly towards his face.
Thanks to all who helped!
Chapter One
Milk….Eggs….Paper towels….Is that it? Maybe I should check again. Vergil stood in the middle of the Produce Section of Steve’s Shopping Emporium, his eyes rooted to a crinkled piece of paper that contained the small list of items he had spent a good fifteen minutes collecting.
“Vergil.”
I could’ve sworn that I wrote down cheese.
“Hey, Vergil.”
Wait, why would I write down cheese? I hate cheese.
“Dammit Vergil! Pay attention!”
Maybe it was--The thought was cut short when a large head of cabbage struck him in the back of his head. He stumbled forward a few steps before tearing his eyes away from the list to glare at a laughing Dante who was holding another head of cabbage and a large black box.
“What on God’s green earth do you have now?”
Dante looked down at the items he held.“What? This? This is a cabbage.”
“Not that you idiot! The box!”
“Oh, that. This little guy’s what I’ve been meaning to ask you about. You see, it’s a complex battery that--”
“Put it back. It’s not on the list.”
Dante frowned.“So? I need it.”
“You should’ve put it on the list.”
Dante threw the cabbage at Vergil’s head with surprising accuracy. The elder twin caught it at the last moment and sent it back at Dante, who dodged, causing the vegetable to connect with an elderly woman’s head with a thud. Dante laughed hysterically as she fell to the ground.
“Nice aim, Vergie!”
Vergil stalked up to him and grabbed him by the collar of his grungy black T-shirt.
“You are to return that box to wherever you found it, now, and if you ever call me Vergie again I will gut you like a fish and strangle you with your own entrails.” After a few seconds that was spent glaring murderously at his younger twin, Vergil released him. Dante scowled.
“Jeez, Vergil, don’t get your panties in a bunch. We’re sixteen, not fifty.”
“Go!”
Dante left quickly, only pausing to laugh once more at the old lady who was struggling to her feet. Vergil sighed, and returned to his list.
There’s the cheese. Should I get it though? I don’t even see what it’s doing there, it’ll probably just rot in the--His thoughts were interrupted once more as Dante shoved him to the ground and took off with the shopping cart. Vergil leapt to his feet and looked around for any sign of where he had gone. Unfortunately the sign came in the form of the store alarm going off as Dante left the building.
“Dammit!” Vergil screamed before running after him. He was nearly at the door when two rather burly men stopped him.
“Are you with him?” One asked, jerking his thumb in the direction of the retreating Dante.
Vergil sighed.
“Yes, and if you don’t mind, I have to go catch him.” He tried to shove past them, but was once again stopped.
“Pay first.”
“You can’t be serious.”
The guard held out his hand. Vergil growled.
“Fine.” He dug some crumpled bills out of his pocket and shoved them into the man’s hand. “I put a little extra in there for you. It must be rough to have a monosyllabic vocabulary.”
That comment had earned him two hours at the station. By the time Vergil got home Dante was waiting for him with…the shopping cart? Vergil blinked. Dante, by some miracle of nature, had reconstructed the little cart into a fully motorized vehicle.
“You like what you see? It took a while, but with the engine I took from your car--”
“You took the engine out of my car?!”
“Well, yeah. I wasn’t going to ruin MY car.” Dante paused when he saw a vein pop out from his brother’s forehead.
“Why?!”
Dante shrugged.“I wanna pick up chicks. You’re gonna help.”
“The hell I will!”
Dante sighed, and watched as Vergil began to pull at his hair.
“My car! You ruined my car!” Over the span of three minutes the ground began to become littered with little strands of silver hair.
“So…you’re sure you don’t wanna come with me?”
“Pretty damn sure!!”
“Okay then.” He walked up to Vergil, who spun around just in time to see a bat fly towards his face.
