Critique?

[cheezMcNASTY]

Hey, i never really gave fan fiction sections much attention but i decided some feedback would be nice. i started working on this project about a year and a half ago. it's been a very on and off process so it isn't at the length it could be. anyway, i wanted to post an exert for you guys to read. it takes place in a futuristic "big brother" type of society.
tell me what you think?

Alarm clock.

Welcome to my life. I’d tell you more, but you’re not missing much. I’d tell you my name, but I’ve got nothing to it. No, my biography is written in this half empty bottle of whiskey I woke up to. Mornings are rare, because I want to enjoy their peace by sleeping in and missing them, but when I’m forced to consciously enjoy one, it’s joy is diluted by my hate of getting up early.

Cigarettes…where are th-ow, under the pillow. Lighter next to alarm clock, hit alarm clock with lighter to shut the thing up. Reach under the bed and grab what’s left of a whiskey handle, several drops hit the carpet….too tired to care. I get out of bed, climb over my growing mountain of clothes on the floor…that gets harder every day. Onto the balcony, the only place I can be outdoors. My humble aboad is a sight to behold. Holding my lighter and the handle in one hand, fetch a cigarette from out of the pack with the other.

The sun is extremely bright this morning…or rather the crack of sunlight I can see from between my building and the one across. They all look identical, which suits their purpose I suppose. It’s just a place for all of us to live, work, eat, and sleep. Someone else might think we could use a little variance here and there since we spend our entire lives in these things. Anyone who actually lives here knows it’s the other way around. Murals or color would only serve as a lie. The people upstairs may be the ****ing scum of the earth, but at least they are honest with how much we’re worth to them. Fish my sunglasses from my back pocket with my cigarette hand and lean against the porch door. Trying to get my lighter to spark.....finally! The lighter catches. Douse the end of cigarette and enjoy the first puff of the day. It will be the first of many… sip some whiskey.

Today’s gonna be a good day, I can feel it. Spit over my balcony. It falls out of sight and makes a splat inaudible and invisible from room X in building Y of city Z.

 

[Dante's Stalker]

Dude, you've got some serious talent. I'll send you a proper critique tomorrow when I can get onto the computer if you want.

 

[cheezMcNASTY]

:lol: thanks for the kind words.
i would love to hear your criticisms!

 

[V]

Okay Cheez, I'll help you out with corrections/crit.

'Excerpt' rather than exert.

Alarm clock.

Welcome to my life.

I’d tell you more, but you’re not missing much. I’d tell you my name, but I’ve got nothing to it. (<-- I'm not sure what 'I've got nothing to it' means in relation to speaking about your character's name. Could you rephrase that?) My biography is written in this half-empty bottle of whiskey I woke up to. Mornings are rare; I want to enjoy their peace by sleeping in, and when I’m forced to consciously enjoy one, its joy is diluted by my loathing of getting up early.

Cigarettes… where are th- ow, under the pillow. Lighter next to alarm clock, hit alarm clock with lighter to shut the thing up. I reach under the bed and grab what’s left of a my whiskey by the neck, several drops hit the carpet and I'm too tired to care. I get out of bed, climb over my growing mountain of clothes on the floor - that gets harder every day. Onto the balcony, the only place I can be outdoors. My humble abode is a sight to behold. Holding my lighter and the handle in one hand, I fetch a cigarette from out of the pack with the other.

The sun is extremely bright this morning, or rather the crack of it I see from between my building and the one across is. The buildings all look identical, which suits their purpose, I suppose. It’s just a place for all of us to live, work, eat, and sleep. Someone might think we could use a little variance here and there, spending our entire lives in these things. Anyone who actually lives here knows it’s the other way around. Murals or color would only lie. The people upstairs may be the ****ing scum of the earth, but at least they're honest with how much we’re worth to them. I fish sunglasses from my back pocket with my cigarette hand and lean against the porch door. Try to get my lighter to spark.....finally! It catches. Douse the end of cigarette and enjoy the first puff of the day. It will be the first of many.

Today’s gonna be a good day, I can feel it. I spit over my balcony. It falls out of sight from room X in building Y of City Z, to make an inaudible, invisible splat somewhere on the concrete far below.

Okay, I changed a few little bits in your excerpt to show you what I would write in their place to make the narrative flow more easily, and grammar/other changes/thoughts are in blue. Some things we know about the character's character from what he says and what he is doing so we don't need to be overly descriptive of them, but "whiskey by the neck" seems like a more interesting way to phrase the description since we can assume from his character that his whiskey is likely to still be in its bottle and bottles have necks. By the same token, A few 'I's inserted in some places seem to make the telling flow better even though it's colloquial and informal in mode. I would always try to avoid sounding too repetitive or over-explanatory when narrating in this way, and try to make the descriptors or metaphors powerful and intriguing because you don't want it to sound like a diary exactly. (Unless you do - but an actual diary would be different from a diary-like narrative intended for others to read rather than yourself).

In short, it's quite a powerful start to your project/chapter as we're in little doubt about the character's view of his world, his habits and a few things about his life, in just a few paragraphs. Beause of this, you'll need to avoid him being repetitive further along in your writing, since if you're writing for an audience you have to keep them interested and not turn them off with your character being too gloomy or too vehement about his worldview. You haven't been - it's just something to watch out for when you're writing in first-person.

 

[cheezMcNASTY]

Great! ^_^
I'll have to make some revisions, hope more are coming.
Some of the things you mentioned to increase transition and flow I'm going to leave out. I purposely wrote it to be somewhat incoherent to reflect how hungover and incoherent the characters state is. Rest assured, as his day goes on that much picks up.

 

[V]

Well it's your piece of course, you can do whatever you wish with it. If the style is a device, then so be it. Style can be used effectively to unnerve, confuse or inform a reader as you say. I proofread for academics for their published stuff so I tend to go all editorial on everything, lawlz.

 

[Dante's Stalker]

Hi! SORRY! I totally forgot I said I'd come do this for you

Alarm clock. <- Is this the title for the chapter?

Welcome to my life. I’d tell you more more what?, but you’re not missing much of what? It's clear your character is curt and possibly a pessimist by nature, but you need to be clear and straight to the point. We don't know your character and with him making vague statements to us comes forth as a cold shoulder to the reader. He's not going to win an audience if he doesn't properly let us into his head. . I’d tell you my name, but I’ve got nothing to it. No, my biography is written in this half empty bottle of whiskey I woke up to Bloody good!. Mornings are rare makes no sense, because I want to enjoy their peace by sleeping in and missing them, but when I’m forced to consciously enjoy one, it’s joy is diluted by my hate of getting up early the sentence structure needs to be altered and it might work better if you cut it in half or shorten it. eg. (ugh this is actually proving difficult, sorry, I'm trying to come up with a good example) I prefer to sleep in and spare myself the dreariness of facing another morning. Remember less is more. Also the reason why I suggest you keep it short is because the overtly long sentence seems out of place, considering you've been using short and to the point sentences in the beginning.

Cigarettes…where are th-ow Ow? did he somehow hurt himself? or did you mean 'oh'?, under the pillow. Lighter next to alarm clock, hit alarm clock with lighter to shut the thing up. Reach under the bed and grab what’s left of a whiskey handle, several drops hit the carpet….too tired to care. I get out of bed, climb over my growing mountain of clothes on the floor…that gets harder every day. Onto the balcony, the only place I can be outdoors. My humble aboad is a sight to behold. Holding my lighter and the handle in one hand, fetch a cigarette from out of the pack with the other.

The sun is extremely bright this morning…or rather the crack of sunlight I can see from between my building and the one across. They all look identical, which suits their purpose I suppose. It’s just a place for all of us to live, work, eat, and sleep. Someone else might think we could use a little variance here and there since we spend our entire lives in these things. Anyone who actually lives here knows it’s the other way around. Murals or color would only serve as a lie. The people upstairs may be the ****ing scum of the earth, but at least they are honest with how much we’re worth to them. Confused - people upstairs - the neighbours? who's them? Why does it matter what other people in the same location think of their neighbours? This might just be me but that sentence makes my brain squirm trying to figure it out.Fish my sunglasses from my back pocket with my cigarette hand and lean against the porch door. Trying to get my lighter to spark.....finally! The lighter catches. Finally the lighter catches. Douse the end of cigarette and enjoy the first puff of the day. It will be the first of many… sip some whiskey.

Today’s gonna be a good day, I can feel it. This is OOC - through the whole piece we learn that this guy is very despondent and bitter, and possibly angry at life. A pessimist, like I said before. This 'good day' seems completely out of place, seeing as he wants to avoid facing the day at all (grabbing whiskey, smoking, sleeping in, etc) Spit over my balcony. It falls out of sight and makes a splat inaudible and invisible from room X in building Y of city Z. Something about this sentence just isn't right and for the life of me I can't put my finger on it.