Chronicles of the Damned (DMC)

[Dante's Stalker]

Please see my note in the Request a Review thread before you read, thank you!!!
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Doof. Doof. Doof.

I have a secret.
It makes my heart dance up into my head and scream through my ears whenever I think about it.

Doof. Doof. Doof.

It gives my stomach weird butterflies and it makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. Almost like... like being in love.
Just... a lot scarier.

Doof. Doof. Doof.

The beat resounded through my chest as I walked through the Victorian neighbourhood, and down the quiet road that extends far into the Forbidden Fields. I passed naked wickers and sycamores all lined up like a fleet of soldiers on attention. A footpath to my right led by a little mailbox with Evans sprawled across it, and I followed it up to the double story red brick house.

I fished through a pocket for my house key, and glanced at our neighbour's yard over the waist high wall. Resonating thumps echoed from the open windows of their house - there was always some ominous sound coming from there. I never knew what exactly caused the noise, but I could take a couple of guesses.

Their house was the only one in the suburb that didn't have a mailbox. It was also the last house on the street; the last house in Metropolis, in fact, although rumour has it that it's actually the first building to have risen on this land. It looked the part anyway – an ancient gothic palace that stood two stories high and spread across acres of land. The bay windows stared at me with wide blankness, which reflected the opaque winter sky back. It was an intimidating sight. No one ever ventured past those heavy black gates – except for me, and occasionally my mother.

I unlocked our front door and dropped my schoolbag against the wall before doing a quick survey of my home. My brother was in the kitchen with my mother. His ash blonde head was bent over his homework and he was stuffing his face with blueberry muffins. My mom was cutting open a packet with a pair of scissors, holding it gingerly with long manicured nails, and tipped about a dozen more muffins into a large wooden bowl. Her cinnamon brown hair was taken back in a tight bun, and her green eyes were scrutinizing when she noticed me. She was average in appearance, didn't have the features that would win a second glance or tickle anyone's fancy. I inherited most of my looks from my mother – except for my eyes, which is a combination of amber and brown, like old gold as my dad called it. It was a deliberate choice for me to try and do exactly the opposite of what my mother constantly does. I didn't want to be her clone; the more she tried to mould me into her ways, the more I rebelled. I already had a role model I was striving to duplicate, and my mother was certainly not her.

"Hi, Cora!" Jason quipped from the table when he spotted me. I offered him my usual I-don't-have-time-to-hang-with-you smile.

"Cora, you're home! I was beginning to worry," my mom said. She barely spared me another glance, and shoved the bowl across the marble counter at me.

"Why were you worried?" I asked, picking up a muffin and biting into it. I wrinkled my nose and put it back in the bowl. Of course I wasn't expecting an answer, like my higher-than-thou mother would admit one little boy made her jittery, so I changed the subject instead. "I thought you said you were going to bake us a treat, not go to the baker and buy pre-packaged stuff, Mom."

"I don't bake, dear, you know that," my mother said with an incredulous twitch of a groomed eyebrow. "I have no time! I have far more important tasks I need to contend with."

"Right." I muttered, pulling out a pair of deep glass ice cream cups from the cupboard.

"Who's that for?" Jason asked.

"Not you," I replied curtly, and Jason mumbled something I couldn't decipher.

"Have you got any homework, dear?" my mother asked.

"Nope."

"You'd best not be lying to me, Cora."

"I've done all my homework while I was at school already!" I retorted at her warning tone, and crouched down to open the freezer.

"How did you manage that?"

 

[Dante's Stalker]

I choked up for a split second. "We had a study period today." I lied. The truth was, I'd gotten held back for detention again, and as soon as I finished copying my homework from someone else and the teacher on duty was half dozing, I made my great escape. Yes, so I was going to probably get double detention for bailing on detention, who cared? Tomorrow was going to take care of itself. Right now I had bigger things to worry about.

"Oh, all right then, dear, but your friend..."

I felt my heart sink at the sight of frozen meats and vegetables. "Where's the ice cream?" I exploded in a burst of panic. "Did you forget to-" I cut myself off when the 3 litre tub of ice cream suddenly appeared in front of me. It was so big that I'd stared at it and yet not seen it.

I tugged the tub from the freezer, sending ice crumbs scattering across the tiled floor, and put it on the counter with a relieved sigh. "Thank you, mommy! You're the best!" I said, giving her a brief hug before scavenging the drawer for spoons.

"Can I have some ice cream, too?" Jason asked.

This time I ignored him. The less I responded to him, the sooner he'd quit trying to nag me to invite him to join us. I knew him well enough to know that was the next thing on his list - my brothers' head was like clockwork.

"Now, Cora, your friends can't stay too long. I have a tea party at four this afternoon." My mother drawled.

"My friends?" I asked, giving her a stumped look while I snatched the bowl of strawberries and a bottle of strawberry syrup from the fridge. "Mother, what are you talking about?"

"Cora, can I come sit with-" Jason started.

I scooped my loot into my arms and fled to the lounge, my mother in tow. She watched me disapprovingly set the treats out on the floor and prep my video game console.

 

[Dante's Stalker]

"Those boys you're getting all excited about." My mother said pointedly.

"Sheesh, Mom, are you delusional? Dante's not my friend, and his brother wouldn't come here even if his life depended on it. I'm doing this because Eva asked me to," I added when my mother opened her mouth, probably to chastise me for calling her delusional, "She wanted Dante out of the house this afternoon because she's planning a surprise for his birthday. The only reason why he's coming over is because I promised him the freedom to eat as many sundaes as he wants."

"Right. Well." My mother said, sniffed, and left me to setup the room in peace.

Everybody has secrets.
Some are insignificant like sneaking an extra smoke break, some are innocent and good intentional, like Eva organizing a surprise birthday bash for Dante. Others are dirty and have the power to act as catalysts, like the husband who cheats on his wife, or the all-American boy next door who turns out to be gay. The thing with secrets are that sooner or later, one way or the other, they leak out.

My little brother, Jason, is the only one in my family who has sane, normal secrets. He binges at night, occasionally sneaks some cash from the cookie jar, and has a major crush on my best friend, Lorry.
My dad works from home, locks himself in the study all day and only comes out at night. He says he works in the intelligent technology industry and is working on some new computer software for Microsoft. Confidential stuff – he's big on not getting distracted while he works. Truth is he's running an underground organisation that's all anti-demon. They're strategising and training to take out the only full blooded demon left in the world, because they don't like the idea of a demon 'ruling' over mankind.

The doorbell rang way too soon. I wiped my hands on my pants and climbed to my feet, drawing in deep breaths of air to brace myself. Yes, I was a little bit nervous since I've never actually talked to Dante unless Eva was present. I was also very pessimistic about how this afternoon was going to go down. Dante and I didn't talk much, for good reason. We didn't exactly get along.

I opened the front door and stepped aside at the grumpy look the tall blonde boy gave me. I gestured him inside in a 'let's get this over with' way. His opal blue eyes were alert and hard, darting around as I led the way to the lounge. But then, his eyes were always hard and cold. He must be made of ice or something, because I got chills every time he looked at me. Which, thank God, wasn't all that often. He looked more interested in the eccentric ornaments my mother used to decorate our home.

We settled on the floor in front of the television, and played games in silence. There wasn't much conversation to be made. I kept glancing at the clock on the wall, and Dante kept throwing random pauses into our game play to top up his ice cream. We were halfway through Fraxy, and the tub was starting to look awfully empty, when Dante paused the game. He turned to me, for the first time actually acknowledging my presence beside him, and gave me an unnerving grin.

"Your mom's not very fond of demons, is she?"

"Watcha mean?" I asked.

"Protection charms," he nodded at the items hanging from the walls.

"How'd you know?" I frowned, eyeing the silver and black marble statues adorning our lounge with new perspective.

"C'mon, Cora. How could I not know?" Dante's icy eyes flashed incredulously, and he dropped his controller on the carpet before climbing to his feet. "Tch, never mind. I don't wanna be where I'm not welcome anyway." I heard him snort in the hallway and mumble something inaudible.

"See you tomorrow!" I called after him. The front door slammed shut with a sharp bang in reply.

 

[Dante's Stalker]

The time read five to four. I gathered the dishes and went to dump them in the kitchen sink. My mother was brewing something in a pot on the stove. The sweet pungent odour nearly made me gag.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Sage." My mother said, and smiled at me.

"What are you boiling it for? It's stinking up the whole house."

"It chases away bad spirits, dear," My mother sighed, and added hastily, "I read it in the local newspaper. Has your friend gone home already?"

"It's four o'clock."

"How rude. He didn't even say goodbye."

"Would it have mattered?" I asked with a grunt. Dante wasn't exactly a pro in the polite manners forte. It made no difference to me, since I was subjected to it day after day and have come to not even notice it, but for those who didn't know the Sparda family...yeah, Dante was one rude little brat.

"I don't know what this world is coming to." My mother huffed.

My mom's secret is that she's a witch; one who has quite a problem with anything and everything demonic. This unfortunately included my beloved cartoons such as Wile E. Coyote and He-Man, for reasons that still went beyond my logic. I still watched my shows, whenever I went to visit Eva. This is one little secret I have, but it's not the secret I have.

Dante was half-demon. And no, that's not his secret. Everybody knew him and his twin were half-breeds. Remember the demon my dad was planning to take down? That's Dante's dad.

He's our next door neighbour.

Which made it all the more believable that I knew what Dante and Vergil's secret was. Not the juicy details of the boys being trained and moulded into young warriors within the confines of the Sparda fortress. That wasn't a secret, not to me at least. Living next door to them, it wasn't uncommon to hear gunshots very often. I'd get worried when it was too quiet for too long.

Their secret was that at night when everyone else was wrapped in dreamland, they'd hit the streets and take out the rogue demons still hanging around. The demons were too scared of Sparda to come out during the day, but they risked it at night – and the sons of Sparda would always be waiting for them.

That was another secret all on its own, the fact that there were still demons. People; believers, hypocrites and nonbelievers alike; were all of the I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it-sort. No one saw the monsters that came out at night. But I did.

I knew the truth. That's my secret.

I spent the next hour rushing through my chores at home; feed the fish, tidy my room, sweep the floor, do the dishes; the usual painful duties of any seven year old. I helped my mother set the table, plunking down the knives and forks with hasty disregard. Jason gave me a look from his little peasant seat at the bottom of the table. My mother didn't seem happy with me either.

"I made Macaroni and cheese." She said coaxingly.

"Oh. That's nice." I said distractedly and went to fetch the jug of orange juice from the fridge. When I got back to the dining room, my father had appeared and was seated on his throne at the head of the table.

"I see you've finally found your way home," Father said light-heartedly.

"Ha, very funny, Dad," I muttered, carefully placing the jug in the centre of the table. "That one never gets old."

"Heard your mother made your favourite dish for supper," Father said, his black moustache twitching.

On cue, my mother materialized beside me with a large round casserole between her oven-gloved hands. She lifted off the lid, and the delicious aroma of melted cheese pulled my head into a cloud of hunger.

"Auw, mom, you shouldn't have." I said. My father's eyebrows arched in surprise, and my mother smiled triumphantly. "No, really, you shouldn't have. I'm having dinner somewhere else."

"That's nothing new," Jason mumbled and I gave him an eat-death glare.

"Are they expecting you?"Mother asked with a slight scowl.

"Yeah! I'll see you guys later." I said, snatching one hot noodle from the casserole before making a break for it.

"You little devil..." My mother chided after me.

I glanced over my shoulder a couple of times as I practically skipped down our footpath, expecting one of them to follow me and call me back. They were getting fed up with not seeing me around the house much, I could tell. No one chased after me, and I made it safely to the neighbour's front door. It was unlocked, as it always was. So, maybe they didn't exactly invite me over for dinner, but Eva might be expecting me. She'd been very hospitable to me ever since we moved into our house three years ago.

Their dining room with the enormous mahogany table was void of life. This is what I liked about having dinner with the Sparda family. If Eva knew for certain I was coming over, she would have had the table set out with their best silverware. When she wasn't sure, she didn't put in the effort, mostly because Sparda told her not to bother, I think.

It wasn't surprising to find them all relaxed in the family den like every other ordinary family. The television was turned down and displaying a rerun of the History Channel. Eva and the boys were sitting on the long plush couch; Vergil slouched to the side, elbow on the armrest and chin on his fist, half asleep; Eva doing golden embroidery work on a royal blue coat; Dante fast asleep with his head on Eva's lap and his long legs spread across Vergil's lap, feet dangling over the edge. Sparda was in his armchair, as always, with one leg up to balance his plate loaded with food. Possibly his third plate, if I had to guess.

"Hello." Sparda said without looking away from the television.

Vergil blinked and sent a funny look at Sparda before noticing me in the doorway. Eva looked up and smiled at me warmly.

"Your food is in the oven, sweetie."

"Thanks." I grinned and wandered down the hallway to the kitchen at the back of the house.

"You made it just in time." Sparda said behind me. I jumped at his voice, and tried to hide my fright by fussing with my dinner. "Another five minutes and you would have gone to bed hungry."

"You would have eaten my dinner?" I asked in disbelief, staring up at him with round eyes.

"First comes first served, Cora." Sparda said with a playful wink.

He slipped his empty plate into the sink, and I followed him back to the family den. I made myself comfortable on the carpet next to the coffee table as Sparda leaned over to whisper something into Eva's ear. Eva smiled up at him, and Sparda sighed.

I stared when he picked Dante up with one hand, and carried him under his arm like a piece of baggage.

"Sparda, be careful!" Eva scolded, sitting up straight and dropping her embroidery on her lap.

"He's fine. The kid can sleep through the next apocalypse." Sparda waved her back dismissively and disappeared from the room.

"I'm going to bed, too." Vergil muttered. He pecked Eva on the cheek. "G'night."

"Goodnight, son." Eva said when he left the room, and she smiled at me warmly. "How was your day, Cora?"

"Fine. I got detention again."

"What for this time?"

"Nothing, I think they just like my company at school."

Eva shook her head worriedly. "What has your mother got to say about this?"

"I got my homework done, so she thinks it's good." I shrugged.

"Cora."

I shrugged again at her warning tone. "My mom's too busy with her own life to care what I do with mine."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"I'm sure it is. You make the best pumpkin fritters, Eva." I said, lifting one off my plate and biting into it.

Sparda returned to the room and reclined back in his armchair with a soft grunt. There was a tranquil silence in the room while we watched Captain Cook sailing the seas on screen. There was a warm feeling of belonging dancing inside of me as we watched TV together.

I never got to do fun stuff like this with my own family - it was strictly traditional back at my house. We never had dinner in front of the TV because my mother didn't want us to stain the couch or mess on the floor. Dinner time for me meant sweating about getting another lecture about why my grades weren't going up, why I wasn't sitting straight on my chair, and why I ate my hot beans before my cold salad. When the attention was not on me, it was on my dad's talk about killing demons which made my tummy twist with nerves, or my mother gossiping about one or the other lady in town. It made me feel bad that Eva was too often the ridicule of my mother. It made feel even worse that my dad wanted to hurt the unsuspecting, elegant gentleman who showed so much devotion to Eva.

I redirected my gloomy thoughts to the brainteaser of how Dante had managed to pass out before everyone else with all that sugar from this afternoon loaded into his system. Sparda cleared his throat and I looked up to see him and Eva exchanging looks.

Did he hear my thoughts? I wondered in a brief moment of panic.

"It's getting late, Cora. You should go home, you've got school in the morning," Eva broke through my whirling thoughts.

"Yes, ma'am." I said quietly. I offered to stay and help with the dishes, but Eva steered me toward the front door with a firm hand and an even firmer 'goodnight Cora'.

A glance at my wristwatch told me that it was nearing ten. There was no wind, and the silent darkness of the night was unnerving. My house was equally dark and quiet when I slipped inside and made my way to my room.

I was going through my closet looking for my black sweater, trying to be as quiet as I possibly could, when a rustling right outside my open window caught my attention. Friggin' crazy squirrels, I thought, and snatched my jersey off the hanger. I bent down to scoop up my old black trainers, and in my mirror I caught a glimpse of something white right outside my window. I turned and hurled one of my trainers at it.

"Ouch!"

I tiptoed over to my window and frowned at the boy outside in complete disbelief. "What are you doing?"

"I'm making sure you're home." The curt response came. Vergil rubbed his head and picked my shoe up off the grass. He planted it on my windowsill.

"Are you spying on me?" I accused angrily.

"I'm making sure you're home." Vergil repeated flatly, and walked away.

He disappeared into the night, and I swore inwardly. Were they on to me? I stood indecisively for a moment, then with quick resolve, I jerked on my sweater and slipped on my shoes. I snuck out of my window and headed into the heart of the city, taking the brightly lit main roads. They couldn't be on to me. There was no way they could know for sure, anyway. They took the small dark alleys to get around, I took the main road – just because I was in the city at night didn't mean anything. It wasn't suspicious. Well, it wasn't that suspicious.

I slowed down when I approached the central courtyard of the city, and ducked into the undercover parking beneath one of the business buildings surrounding it. I hurried across the abandoned lot, glancing around, alert. My trainers made no noise on the concrete.

I caught a whiff of strong sulphur, and crouched down beside a vent in the wall. The screws were lose and came out easily. I swore quietly again when I heard an ominous growl – something was either in the lot with me, or it was right outside. I scuttled into the ventilation tunnel, scraping my legs and palms in my rush, and readjusted the vent cover behind me. I stayed rooted there for a moment, waiting for my pulse to stop racing, and then I scrambled along the tunnel until I reached the first vent that went straight up to the top of the building. I straightened to my feet in the narrow square, and hauled myself up into the next tunnel. I leopard crawled forward in the pitch blackness until a draft told me I was close to my favourite spot.

Then I was there. I pulled out my mobile phone wedged in my pocket, and turned on the camera. I found a good aim between the vent slots and zoomed in, and waited. Roman was going to freak out when I showed him this tomorrow. Damn him for telling me demons weren't real – what did he know? He was going to have to cough up a hundred bucks for me, because he was so going to lose that bet. A hundred bucks! The things I could do with a hundred bucks...

My reverie was cut short when a loud howl outside made me start. A tall, ugly purple thing climbed from the well in the courtyard. I pushed the record button on my phone, and waited with bated breath. It looked like a man, or a very tall man, with no facial features. It stood for a moment, hunched forward, swinging its small head on its long neck from side to side, and then it exploded into tiny black things. Another howl rented the air, and a second purple man lifted out of the well. It melted into a large yellow pool the second it was on the ground, and the millions of tiny black things leapt into the gunk. I watched the two things start to do a spinning display, merging together and building into something bigger.

I would have thought they'd be there by now. Sometimes they already were hanging around the well, waiting. Sometimes a couple of demon packs would have blundered into the city streets before they showed up.

The odour of sulphur became suffocating and made my eyes tear up like onions did. The gunk had shaped into what could have been a giant slug, or maybe a dragon – I couldn't tell which. It was hideous, all the same. And scary. This time when it howled, it made my teeth clatter together and poked into my ears like spikes.

My fear was short lived. The howling changed into a screech when two kids rounded the corner and came face to face with the enormous monster. There was an instant of hesitation; confusion on the demon's part because neither kid ran away screaming, and expectation on their part. One of them spoke, from this distance I couldn't hear or tell who it was, but the demon burst into maniacal laughter. Another word was spoken – I was pretty sure this time it was Dante, because the demon retaliated and launched its attack on them with an aggravated roar.

They were an exhilarating spectacle to watch. Dante wielded two guns, and Vergil did closer combat with the katana. Under any other circumstances, if you saw two seven year old kids walking around with dangerous weapons in the dead of night, you'd call the authorities and have them dragged to juvie. But they were flawless as a team, brandishing their weapons with brilliant expertise. Insanely good. They never got hurt by any of the demons from what I could tell. Well, I've never seen a scratch on them, at any rate.

The battle lasted under a minute, which was good for me because my phone's video time only allowed me to record for a maximum of two minutes anyway. Dante sent the demon sprawling backward with a few well planted bullets in its head, and Vergil streaked around the falling demon. There was a bright flash, and then he was walking up to join his brother's side. They were looking at each other indifferently, Dante still aiming his guns at the demon. They turned toward the demon in unison.

"Jackpot."

Dante fired another shot at the demon the instant Vergil sheathed his sword. Yellow slime exploded everywhere, even reaching as far up as to splatter against the vent I was hiding behind. A few tiny drops hit my phone, and my fingers, and I wiped the acidic gunk off frantically.

 

[Dante's Stalker]

"I'll get more than you tonight." Dante's voice drifted up faintly.

"I don't keep count." Vergil said.

"Maybe you should. It'll make this more fun."

"I'm not here to have fun," Vergil said. "I just want to get this done and go home and sleep."

"We haven't even started yet." Dante said, leaning over the side of the well to peer down into it.

"Dante, don't-"

"Demons are so overrated anyway." Dante said loudly. "Why should they scare us? Just because we're kids doesn't make us helpless."

"Dante." Vergil sighed.

"Besides, they're all losers. They were outwitted and outplayed by Sparda, what m-" Dante broke off when a flood of bright light suddenly erupted from the well. He smirked and stepped away from it, nodding happily. "Yeah, now this is more like it!"

"You." Vergil said, shaking his head. He stepped forward, ready to draw the katana from its scabbard. "I wanted to call in an early night."

"You can sleep when you're dead one day." Dante said playfully. "'sides, Father will just send our butts back out here if we got home any earlier than dawn."

"Right." Vergil muttered under his breath. Dante's grin spread to Vergil's face. "Well, at least we'll be doing something fun."

"Now we're ready to party." Dante said, and levelled his guns at the overflow of demons bursting forth from the light.

How they could ever move that fast and stay in synch was beyond me. I was lucky to actually see them strike down a demon, but mostly all I saw was demons turning into dust all of a sudden or unexpectedly exploding into pieces. Vergil killed off the last cluster with a few accurate swipes of his sword.

Dante holstered his guns and let out a low whistle."I got twenty one. How many'd you get?"

"I don't keep count, I told you." Vergil said, sheathing the katana.

"Tch, what was the point then?" Dante said unhappily.

"To prove how dense you are?" Vergil suggested, and chuckled when Dante punched him in the gut."I'm kidding. I got forty two."

"Liar. There were only thirty demons."

"Only thirty you could see."

"So why could you see the others and I couldn't?"

"Because I killed them before you knew they were there."

Dante puckered his lips and arched an eyebrow, thinking it over. "Yeah, okay. I'll beat your score next time. Nice coat, by the way."

Vergil wiped the yellow ooze off the blue material in disgust.

"It matches your personality. Ice Cube Vergil."

"Flaming idiot." Vergil retorted.

If it hadn't been for the sulphur making me want to gag, I would have stayed longer. As it were, the time was going past midnight, I had to get up for school in another eight hours, and I had the teeny weeny little problem of getting out of this place without the boys spotting me. I crawled my way back through the darkness until I was finally back in the parking lot. And then I ran for all I was worth.

I wasn't completely stupid. I knew they could smell me, and I knew the faster I got away from this place, the less chance there was of them connecting my scent to my persona. Sparda had once told me he could smell me coming from a mile away, because his senses were more sensitive than the boys'. He could tell the difference between man and demon, boy and girl, going on his sense of smell alone. He also said I had distinct scent like wild berries.

Well, I was going to be one really dead wild berry if Dante or Vergil caught onto me. There was a curfew in place for the city residents, enforced by Sparda himself. Anyone who broke it was in deep trouble, if they lived to see the next day.

I made a clean getaway, at least. I climbed through my bedroom window and dropped onto my bed, completely exhausted – and completely content with the footage I'd caught on camera.

One hundred bucks was mine.

 

[Meg]

part 1 concrit

announced my home destination.

ehhhhh….mind rewording that? It sounds awkward.

Faint thumps with echoes filled the air, too soft to pinpoint exactly where they originated from, too loud to simply ignore.

this here feels out of place. You go from describing the house, to random sounds, and back to the house. Random sounds give the reader the impression something is about to happen, so when you jump around like that it gets confusing. Or maybe I’m just tired?

ash blonde head

what’s ash blonde exactly?

Ok, maybe I really am just that tired, but I’m getting mixed characterization from the mom. You describe her as being cynical, not someone the narrator wants to be, and worried about where she was. Then she slides over a bowl of muffins (O_O!!!!!) in a very casual way.

Also, the brother seems very background right now. You introduce him without really focusing any attention on him. Maybe wait to bring him in until he has a role in the conversation?

*is tired* *will read more later*

Over all I like it so far.

 

[Dante's Stalker]

Done and done. Thanks for pointing those out Meg ^_^
Ash blonde:

Don't worry, I'm still trying to grasp exactly what strawberry blonde looks like. Too many different blondes out there! D:

 

[Shadow]

Okay...I said I'd try to give concrit, so here goes.

The biggest thing that sorta confused me is how you keep changing the subject. You go from talking about secrets, to talking about what's going on, to talking about secrets, to a flashback, etc. It lacks flow. I think that's why I like the original draft more: you kept to talking about secrets, then introduced everything else in the second chapter.

I thought your characterization and descriptions were good...though I'm gonna disagree with Meg and say that by not introducing Jason sooner takes even more attention from him and makes me not really even care for him, which I think is bad

Spoiler

cuz given what happens in chapter...3, I think, to Cora's family, there's really no pity there for them when they...you know

. *hopes that makes sense*

LOL at throwing a shoe at Vergil. XD Best moment in fanfiction ever, me thinks.

Er...there was something else...um...oh yeah! Sparda. I'm kinda...put off by his attitude in this chapter. Did you mean for him to come off as slightly...off? Cuz...he goes from being all nice and pleasant...to a jerk. :\ *puzzled*

Mmm...okay, I think that's all I got for now. Hope this made a tiny bit of sense.

 

[Meg]

Done and done. Thanks for pointing those out Meg ^_^

Don't worry, I'm still trying to grasp exactly what strawberry blonde looks like. Too many different blondes out there! D:

You're Welcome!

Strawberry blonde;

Spoiler

 

[Dante's Stalker]

Okay...I said I'd try to give concrit, so here goes.

The biggest thing that sorta confused me is how you keep changing the subject. You go from talking about secrets, to talking about what's going on, to talking about secrets, to a flashback, etc. It lacks flow. I think that's why I like the original draft more: you kept to talking about secrets, then introduced everything else in the second chapter.

I thought your characterization and descriptions were good...though I'm gonna disagree with Meg and say that by not introducing Jason sooner takes even more attention from him and makes me not really even care for him, which I think is bad

Spoiler

cuz given what happens in chapter...3, I think, to Cora's family, there's really no pity there for them when they...you know

. *hopes that makes sense*

LOL at throwing a shoe at Vergil. XD Best moment in fanfiction ever, me thinks.

Er...there was something else...um...oh yeah! Sparda. I'm kinda...put off by his attitude in this chapter. Did you mean for him to come off as slightly...off? Cuz...he goes from being all nice and pleasant...to a jerk. :\ *puzzled*

Mmm...okay, I think that's all I got for now. Hope this made a tiny bit of sense.

I blame the jump from topic to topic on my short attention span. That was total authors' voice coming through. And it has been defeatified, as Zany would say!

I think I've made changes to all the points you highlighted.

More concrit welcome (even on the parts that I have revised!) ^_^

You guys deserve strawberry sundaes =)

 

[Shadow]

LOL Defeatified? XD *g* That...is an awesome word and my official word of the day. *likes what you did*

Ooh, sundaes. X3 You deserve one, too. ^^ Gotta be difficult to edit things on the fly like that.

 

[Dante's Stalker]

It's easier with a different set of eyes pointing out to me where the flaws are. I've written and read the thing so many times that my brain has become somewhat dumb to the mistakes that are giving me death glares. Which is why I say, any little bit of concrit helps.
BTW, I'll be sure to credit everyone who helps out with this when I repost it on FFN. ^_^

...ice cream, WAAAAAANNNTT!! D:

 

[Ebony]

Well I don't give concrit 'cuz I'm crap at writing. I just like reading and at that I'd like to say i really enjoyed reading this. I really like the concept of the Twins as young 'uns. 7 year old Dante! :wub: